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happy bday my child
14 years ago
General
midnight two days ago was your 15 year... i miss you and your mom so much it hurts. and now here i am. i am not alone anymore, though i feel that way sometimes. people are probably annoyed with me about it all but i just want to say that i am so sorry my child.
i wish i could have done more. more for you in life, and more to honor your memory. listening to you in the womb... feeling you between life and death for the short time that i got to... it was some of the happiest hours and days of my life. i will never forget you or you mom.
you are in my mind and heart every minute of every day but today, now that i have no voices blocking me, nor do i have a cutting addiction that is out of control... i dont know.... i dont know if i am happy or sad... i dont know if i can just remember or should i try to forget again. i dont know how to act. how does one deal with pain, and happiness. with death and life.. do i love or hate myself for all i did?
though it is very true i am happier than i can remember being, at this time of year.. on you and your mom's death day.. i miss you both so so much.. i wish i could just let go... or is that what i am doing? i cant tell.
i dont know what i am trying to say except thank you so so very much. thank you for being there when you were. thank you for coming to me so many times since. thank you for showing me that i am more than just myself and thanks for showing me death's touch. it is so beautiful, but not as beautiful as you and your mom. i will never forget your feeling and the happy days i spent with the both of you.
you both made me what i am. i will always be grateful for that. i will do my best to honor you both for the rest of my life. i love you
i love you both so so much. i am sad.. i am happy, but sad.. i dont know what i am. just me i suppose. i hope that that is enough...
i hope you can forgive me... i am still trying to forgive myself, but i am getting there.
______
so sorry to all here on FA and DA because i have been neglecting everyone. i am just having such a hard time. i am so confused.
i just want you all to know, that though i may never truly know you, with a few exceptions.. and you know who you are... and though i may never laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you... i love you.
to all.. i love you....
lome
i wish i could have done more. more for you in life, and more to honor your memory. listening to you in the womb... feeling you between life and death for the short time that i got to... it was some of the happiest hours and days of my life. i will never forget you or you mom.
you are in my mind and heart every minute of every day but today, now that i have no voices blocking me, nor do i have a cutting addiction that is out of control... i dont know.... i dont know if i am happy or sad... i dont know if i can just remember or should i try to forget again. i dont know how to act. how does one deal with pain, and happiness. with death and life.. do i love or hate myself for all i did?
though it is very true i am happier than i can remember being, at this time of year.. on you and your mom's death day.. i miss you both so so much.. i wish i could just let go... or is that what i am doing? i cant tell.
i dont know what i am trying to say except thank you so so very much. thank you for being there when you were. thank you for coming to me so many times since. thank you for showing me that i am more than just myself and thanks for showing me death's touch. it is so beautiful, but not as beautiful as you and your mom. i will never forget your feeling and the happy days i spent with the both of you.
you both made me what i am. i will always be grateful for that. i will do my best to honor you both for the rest of my life. i love you
i love you both so so much. i am sad.. i am happy, but sad.. i dont know what i am. just me i suppose. i hope that that is enough...
i hope you can forgive me... i am still trying to forgive myself, but i am getting there.
______
so sorry to all here on FA and DA because i have been neglecting everyone. i am just having such a hard time. i am so confused.
i just want you all to know, that though i may never truly know you, with a few exceptions.. and you know who you are... and though i may never laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you... i love you.
to all.. i love you....
lome
say are you going to be at the next meetup? and is it on the 14 or 15th? i will only go if you go, but it will be an awesome bday gift if i could see you. my bday is on the 15th. if i cant see you then, no worries, i just hope to see you soon
There isnt going to be one next month because of FC(furtherconfusion) con. So most are gonna be there. If we could visit you it would be great.
say have you seen sherlock holmes yet? if not, do you want to see it then? if you have seen it...is it good?! i am dying to see it!
and i have so much to tell you two! i have gone through so much good and bad (but the bad lead to good too) that i would love to talk about! oh and i can give you the game myself! i found that it might arrive later than it would take than if i just gave it to you myself, but if i cant see ya ill send it
Sure! but again depends on my money situation. Not steady with money. All I have is 75$ from what i got for christmas so.
.. well whatcha think? are you up to having fun away from the house? if the weather is good that is? like you could park on my street and then we could walk down the street (short street) and be at the parks?
i would love to talk n have fun in the parks? we have some good ones here. nice green with grass, and full of stuff to climb and have fun on. sand and stuff too with areas to sit and loads of areas i can totally see as drawing friendly... is that ok? greener than the place we meet up at. probably comfier too is that ok? i could show you the areas i grew up in.
is that ok? sorry.... we could do it another time so we could go to the movies (which are really close) or to the centers? whatever is good for you two love.
Yeah im fine wherever :3 parks are nice :D.
so which day do you want to do it? i cant do it this weekend, but next weekend i have saturday off (jan. 14) and i probably can do it the weekend after that too if you cant make it. talk it over with shadow and i will be eagerly waiting to hear when