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Half-life...
14 years ago
General
I just watched "A Single Man", the movie based on a novel by Christopher Isherwood about a middle-aged man in the late 50s/early 60s whose lover was killed in a car accident and he was having trouble dealing with it and had decided to kill himself. I know what you're thinking--"Yikes, what a depressing thing! Why would you watch something like that???" And you are absolutely right. I went for the journey, and along the way was unable not to examine my own life and choices and circumstances and now I want to take all the sleeping pills I can find. :P Fortunately, I haven't got any, so I'm safe.
But I did find the movie to be extremely moving and insightful about being a gay man still, to a certain degree, wedged into a straight world. Because even though our society has come a long way, and I have come out to most of the important people in my life and am essentially conducting myself as the lightly-loafered fellow that I am, I still feel bogged down by my life. But the new insight that I have because of the movie is that, in many ways--I still act like the straight guy I was pretending to be for so many years. I watched this character dealing with his feelings as well as other peoples' perception of him and how he worked so hard to be basically invisible and I still see a lot of that behavior in myself.
I've recently been trying to "date"...and it's freaking me out a little. I'm beginning to discover how little I really know about dealing with other people on an intimate level. I'm making serious mistakes right and left. I can see that I'm making them...sometimes. Often I don't see it until too late. Either way, I have no idea what to do about it! And to make matters worse, I am--as many people know--still officially married. Just celebrated our 25th Anniversary, in fact! I still live in the same house with her--even though she has her live-in boyfriend. In many ways, my life seems to be what it needs to be, and yet I am still living the life I was living when it was mostly a lie...so how can it be right? And I'm not happy. But I can't just walk away from it all either. And if I did, it might even be horribly worse. Loner that I am, I don't do well alone. When I've been alone in my life, it's never been good. I'm a bit of a parasite in that way--I need another person. I can't seem to be whole by myself.
Some of the happiest times in my life...well, all of them, were when I was with someone else. Is it that way for everyone? Can anyone really be happy on their own? Is it just me? Why do I hate being alone, but seem to work so hard to screw up my relations with others so that I AM alone? Again, is it everyone? I seem to see that a lot. But is that what it really is? Or am I just misinterpreting things...putting my own motivations on other peoples' behavior?
Anyway, sorry this is a bit rambling and relentlessly emo. I just wanted to write this down somewhere. I'll come and look at it again tomorrow and see if it makes any sense or if it's just stupid. PLEASE feel free to ignore it.
Meanwhile, I can say one thing about the movie. It was beautiful. Artfully crafted. The young man he was being pursued by was indeed an amazingly lovely boy. And the moments between them made me want them to be together...intensely. But I can't entirely say I recommend it. The ending was a bit of a cop-out...to me anyways. I assume it was that way in the book, so I guess I can't blame the filmmakers. It seemed to undermine the rest of the journey of self-discovery. But maybe that was the point. Too deep for this old koala, I guess. Better stay in the shallow end of the philosophical pool. But I guess it's good for me to put my raggedy soul through the occasional workout, so it doesn't become as decrepit as the rest of me...
But I did find the movie to be extremely moving and insightful about being a gay man still, to a certain degree, wedged into a straight world. Because even though our society has come a long way, and I have come out to most of the important people in my life and am essentially conducting myself as the lightly-loafered fellow that I am, I still feel bogged down by my life. But the new insight that I have because of the movie is that, in many ways--I still act like the straight guy I was pretending to be for so many years. I watched this character dealing with his feelings as well as other peoples' perception of him and how he worked so hard to be basically invisible and I still see a lot of that behavior in myself.
I've recently been trying to "date"...and it's freaking me out a little. I'm beginning to discover how little I really know about dealing with other people on an intimate level. I'm making serious mistakes right and left. I can see that I'm making them...sometimes. Often I don't see it until too late. Either way, I have no idea what to do about it! And to make matters worse, I am--as many people know--still officially married. Just celebrated our 25th Anniversary, in fact! I still live in the same house with her--even though she has her live-in boyfriend. In many ways, my life seems to be what it needs to be, and yet I am still living the life I was living when it was mostly a lie...so how can it be right? And I'm not happy. But I can't just walk away from it all either. And if I did, it might even be horribly worse. Loner that I am, I don't do well alone. When I've been alone in my life, it's never been good. I'm a bit of a parasite in that way--I need another person. I can't seem to be whole by myself.
Some of the happiest times in my life...well, all of them, were when I was with someone else. Is it that way for everyone? Can anyone really be happy on their own? Is it just me? Why do I hate being alone, but seem to work so hard to screw up my relations with others so that I AM alone? Again, is it everyone? I seem to see that a lot. But is that what it really is? Or am I just misinterpreting things...putting my own motivations on other peoples' behavior?
Anyway, sorry this is a bit rambling and relentlessly emo. I just wanted to write this down somewhere. I'll come and look at it again tomorrow and see if it makes any sense or if it's just stupid. PLEASE feel free to ignore it.
Meanwhile, I can say one thing about the movie. It was beautiful. Artfully crafted. The young man he was being pursued by was indeed an amazingly lovely boy. And the moments between them made me want them to be together...intensely. But I can't entirely say I recommend it. The ending was a bit of a cop-out...to me anyways. I assume it was that way in the book, so I guess I can't blame the filmmakers. It seemed to undermine the rest of the journey of self-discovery. But maybe that was the point. Too deep for this old koala, I guess. Better stay in the shallow end of the philosophical pool. But I guess it's good for me to put my raggedy soul through the occasional workout, so it doesn't become as decrepit as the rest of me...
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather one should aim to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of Scotch in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! Man, what a ride!"
So, please hold on to the bar! };=)
I think someone can be perfectly happy alone. Society tend to rub your face in it every five minutes, though.
I'm just an old hermit on the mountaintop. Don't mind me.
That being said, sorry to hear the of the difficulties. From what you've described here, it seems like your situation would be tough for even people with a solid grasp on social interaction to hold down, I can completely empathize with the 'even though I'm out, I'm still acting straight' in some regards. Things that I've always had interest in that I still won't go near at this point just out of, probably familiarity/habit more than anything I suppose.
As for the issues with dating, if you are starting that up now, that's probably going to be rough for a while; letting someone get near your insides after years of keeping people out is going to be uncomfortable any way you run it. I would just suggest to not let that deter you, and move forward with new knowledge each time. Won't be easy, but you'll make it through, and be better for it on the other side.
Also, I think it should be known that this does not constitute as emo. Emo tends to be short, impulsive over-reactions, like 'My mom yelled at me, I hate everyone in the world, nobody understands me, I'm going to kill myself!' Which, this is thoroughly thought out multi-faceted self evaluation. And if you can do that well, you're already leagues ahead of most normal people for understanding yourself. Most people have the other issue, where they know perfectly how to interact and present themselves to other people, but they don't understand their own actions or motivations at all; they just live, and what happens can be equated to 'I'm only human' rather than trying to understand.
Anyways, my two cents in summary: You're in a hard place, but it will get better. Learning, especially about people with all the variables that can possibly define why people do what they do, is never easy. But if you keep at it, and are willing to be flexible, you'll get it. Sorry if that sounds a bit generic, but I feel that until you know the intimate details of a situation, usually broad-scoped advice is the best to give.
If you want to talk or something, feel free to hit me up. I enjoy a good intellectual conversation, and helping people out. Don't feel any obligation tho, I can understand how words from a complete stranger might not mean so much.
Best of luck to you.
Meanwhile, I do struggle with these feelings. When I was young I thought I had everything figured out, or that at least other people had it all figured out and I could follow them. It was a great shock to me when I realized that NOBODY has it figured out and they're all groping in the dark, just like me.
Words from a stranger can often be the most meaningful. I think that's why blogs were born. Or at least why they have comment buttons.
You may be right. Just let me know at some point if I start abusing the 'Post' button. XD
...And probably following Tom Cruise on anything is a bad idea in general. I watched him explain scientology. Oh man.
They say ignorance is bliss. Maybe I shouldn't think about it and just carry on. And sometimes I think I do exactly that, but then some movie or book comes along and makes me think about stuff. I've always been overly susceptible to external influences. But I have to say that sometimes things just become overwhelming...and it's not always because things are horrible or painful, although that happens too. Sometimes it just seems pointless and needlessly frustrating... And I suppose, sometimes it's just lonely.
It's understandable that it can be overwhelming. Life doesn't come with a convenient instruction manual I've found. There are some easy turn to ones, like religious followings and programs designed to help people better themselves, but I feel like the lessons you learn first hand always have a stronger impact, and are more relevant for your life and who you are as a person. What I've found to work best (which, from your last sentence I'm assuming might be part of what it makes it harder) is having a group of friends that we can just hang out and debate the way things are vs. the way they should be. How we think things work/people work. Stuff that can matter a lot to stuff that will never matter at all. Almost always, someone else will have thought about it in a way that you haven't and it opens your eyes to possibilities, even if you don't fully agree with them. There was one night me and my friends were all working at this bullshit job, but four hours after close we were all still there, going back and forth on whether emotions were by nature irrational, or whether they were logical, but caused you to do irrational things. In the end, I don't think anyone's mind was changed drastically, but it gives you an understanding of how other people look at things, the world from a different perspective as it were.
I would saying that feeling overwhelmed by not being able to comprehend it all is normal, and probably healthy in some regards. You just have to go in with the mindset that you can't figure out the world in a single period of analysis, and more likely than not, you can't do it alone. I really feel like coming to terms with that might actually be the most difficult process of all, knowing that you're probably not going to come out with some miraculous answer, and being OK with it. There's probably actually a word for that, but I have no idea what it is. :D
Your art is wonderfull and has brought me many smiles tonight. My pup is in the hospital with parvo and im really worried we'll lose him. I really needed a smile and seeing your art helped a lot. Anyways, im rambling. I just wanted to hopefully let you know there were others out there who understood and show some appreciation for making me smile when i was feeling sad.
Thanks for the answer. Hope things irl are going ok. Geb is just fine, he pulled through. If anything, he's twice as clingy and lovey dovey as before. I think it was the fact that they had him in isolation. *hugs*