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Day 1, 1/9/2012 2:00 AM
13 years ago
Dear Journal,
I know how some try to clarify how journals are supposed to be those personal notebooks you hold by your bedside to write in every night, only to make sure you keep it a major secret from everyone else. Well, I think it'd be a lot better if this journal was public, atleast to those that I can relate to, and even get along with, and have them even help when times are low, or hopes are high. So, I feel I should turn this into my true journal(of course, it won't always be daily, and sometimes won't even be a journal entry).
Anywho, I feel I just need something to release my mind.
I just don't know why, but...I know I'm a furry, I love being a furry, I love everything about it! I'd take being a furry over being a normal human any day. So...why do I feel butterflies bounce off my stomach whenever the thoughts come up? These all started when I actually told my closest friends about my furri(or in my case, feathery)ness, and they fully accepted it. But after I told them, I felt my nerves would be gone for good...but...they seemed to have only gotten worse. I don't know if my mind is telling me that I should be open to everyone, if I should just...truly reveal what I am, but where I live...its difficult. *Sniff* sorry, I'm listening to the Sad Pollyanna Remix(I love this kind of music) Anyway, where I live...its a town filled with wannabes, punks...and as I refer to them as...Brunters(hunters that brag about killing animals). My heart lurches, and my rage boils to where...I just want to make them bleed, but my shy, timid nature holds me back. What's the point of attack...when it won't do anything towards what you love.
*sniff* boy I'm playing the wrong song for this. Back on track. I don't want to be saying what I a-no, here I can say what my heart truly wants to be heard. I don't want to be saying I'm a furry to those kinds of people. Not because I WANT to hide it, just because...well...I'm scared. Half of these people don't pay
me a glance as it is, mainly because they already outcast me even before this. Heh, sorry if I'm sounding like I'm trying to push off what I am, because, I'm not, I just fear that they will, and just...send my reputation down as it already is. My home doesn't have the brightest ideas...but they have some loud echoing voices, and I'm someone...that all they want is to be heard, not all the time, just...every now and then. I don't crave attention...I just, don't like to be alone.
Whoops...got a tear on the keyboard. They always see me as...a dark, silent person. Someone, that wouldn't have anything wise to say anyway. Whenever I'm placed in a team, they plan everything before I get a chance. I've even had one time where I was in a room, reading one of my favorite books, and I was the only one there. Someone came in, and just sat there for about 5 minutes, until they finally saw me. I won't deny that I like to be alone sometimes...just not all the time, or even most of the time. I want to ask things and get serious answers, I want to talk to someone, and have them talk back...and I...well this is going to sound silly. I-I-I wouldn't mind a hug everynow and then...so I know someone actually ca*sniff*res. Gotta stop that...crying thing.
Of course...again, where I live, giving hugs, is essentially a way to say "Hi, I'm gay!" Now I have no offense towards those who are(I really don't), but I'm not. In fact...I really...gah WHY IS IT SO HARD JUST TO SAY IT! I'm 17, why am I thinking of this now?! Phew...well, might as well, I-I-it hurts because I'd truly love to have...love, and have it be true. Someone I could...look into their eyes, and have them look back. Someone willing to listen to me, knowing I'd listen to them. Someone I could joke with, and have them laugh. Someone I could hug, and they'd reply with a kiss. Yet, I fear that those sort of things, might only belong in the stories, or movies. Those characters are the lucky ones, going on an adventure, being heroes, and making some people happy.
Boy, this entry certainly took a depressing tone...boy does that make me look...pathetic. Ugh, well, I had to let my heart type what it's wanted to say for a long time now, knowing...maybe someone will listen. Atleast this is only day one...maybe...hopefully...it'll get better for me. I'm just glad...I decided to take time to...make a journal of some kind.
Anyways...I got another thing to type, for one of my favorite websites, sm.net. Whatever keeps me happy and calm I guess. Funny thing is, I should really be getting some sleep, I have school in the morning, and it's nearly 3 AM, but...I partially nocturnal, so they'll have to bear with me, cranky or not. I might decide to play a little Advanced Wars, or maybe some Okamiden, just to help calm me down some more, because at this time...after saying what was on my mind...I could really use a hug of some kind.
Pheen
I know how some try to clarify how journals are supposed to be those personal notebooks you hold by your bedside to write in every night, only to make sure you keep it a major secret from everyone else. Well, I think it'd be a lot better if this journal was public, atleast to those that I can relate to, and even get along with, and have them even help when times are low, or hopes are high. So, I feel I should turn this into my true journal(of course, it won't always be daily, and sometimes won't even be a journal entry).
Anywho, I feel I just need something to release my mind.
I just don't know why, but...I know I'm a furry, I love being a furry, I love everything about it! I'd take being a furry over being a normal human any day. So...why do I feel butterflies bounce off my stomach whenever the thoughts come up? These all started when I actually told my closest friends about my furri(or in my case, feathery)ness, and they fully accepted it. But after I told them, I felt my nerves would be gone for good...but...they seemed to have only gotten worse. I don't know if my mind is telling me that I should be open to everyone, if I should just...truly reveal what I am, but where I live...its difficult. *Sniff* sorry, I'm listening to the Sad Pollyanna Remix(I love this kind of music) Anyway, where I live...its a town filled with wannabes, punks...and as I refer to them as...Brunters(hunters that brag about killing animals). My heart lurches, and my rage boils to where...I just want to make them bleed, but my shy, timid nature holds me back. What's the point of attack...when it won't do anything towards what you love.
*sniff* boy I'm playing the wrong song for this. Back on track. I don't want to be saying what I a-no, here I can say what my heart truly wants to be heard. I don't want to be saying I'm a furry to those kinds of people. Not because I WANT to hide it, just because...well...I'm scared. Half of these people don't pay
me a glance as it is, mainly because they already outcast me even before this. Heh, sorry if I'm sounding like I'm trying to push off what I am, because, I'm not, I just fear that they will, and just...send my reputation down as it already is. My home doesn't have the brightest ideas...but they have some loud echoing voices, and I'm someone...that all they want is to be heard, not all the time, just...every now and then. I don't crave attention...I just, don't like to be alone.
Whoops...got a tear on the keyboard. They always see me as...a dark, silent person. Someone, that wouldn't have anything wise to say anyway. Whenever I'm placed in a team, they plan everything before I get a chance. I've even had one time where I was in a room, reading one of my favorite books, and I was the only one there. Someone came in, and just sat there for about 5 minutes, until they finally saw me. I won't deny that I like to be alone sometimes...just not all the time, or even most of the time. I want to ask things and get serious answers, I want to talk to someone, and have them talk back...and I...well this is going to sound silly. I-I-I wouldn't mind a hug everynow and then...so I know someone actually ca*sniff*res. Gotta stop that...crying thing.
Of course...again, where I live, giving hugs, is essentially a way to say "Hi, I'm gay!" Now I have no offense towards those who are(I really don't), but I'm not. In fact...I really...gah WHY IS IT SO HARD JUST TO SAY IT! I'm 17, why am I thinking of this now?! Phew...well, might as well, I-I-it hurts because I'd truly love to have...love, and have it be true. Someone I could...look into their eyes, and have them look back. Someone willing to listen to me, knowing I'd listen to them. Someone I could joke with, and have them laugh. Someone I could hug, and they'd reply with a kiss. Yet, I fear that those sort of things, might only belong in the stories, or movies. Those characters are the lucky ones, going on an adventure, being heroes, and making some people happy.
Boy, this entry certainly took a depressing tone...boy does that make me look...pathetic. Ugh, well, I had to let my heart type what it's wanted to say for a long time now, knowing...maybe someone will listen. Atleast this is only day one...maybe...hopefully...it'll get better for me. I'm just glad...I decided to take time to...make a journal of some kind.
Anyways...I got another thing to type, for one of my favorite websites, sm.net. Whatever keeps me happy and calm I guess. Funny thing is, I should really be getting some sleep, I have school in the morning, and it's nearly 3 AM, but...I partially nocturnal, so they'll have to bear with me, cranky or not. I might decide to play a little Advanced Wars, or maybe some Okamiden, just to help calm me down some more, because at this time...after saying what was on my mind...I could really use a hug of some kind.
Pheen
You don't have to worry about asking hugs from me, guy :3
I think it's pretty normal at first to be nervous about furry stuff. It's kinda... well it doesn't have the best reputation. But honestly, you don't have to announce it to the world, either. Being furry isn't like being gay or anything else. It's a lifestyle choice, yes, but it's not one that will majorly affect how your outward appearance is, nor will it affect majorly your activities, besides going to meets, conventions, that sort of thing. So I don't think that "coming out" about it is really a big deal.
*squeezes again* I hope that helps some!