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Three sides of a coin
14 years ago
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You know i don't think i ever really personified just how deep of a relation my sona and me have. When i originally made Nanaki he was my real partner in my pokemon games. but i wanted more. I never could reveal my mental state to my friends for fear of what they would think.... basically that story i told about nanaki's mother is in a sense based on the real life story of myself and how things have been for me prior to me living with my grand parents.
So out of boredom i'm going to try and put to words what its like for nanaki to have ikanan. Please keep in mind this is the feral nanaki. this is the real version of my sona. He is totally different in terms of his likes and dislikes to a minor degree....one such is that he is straight and has nothing towards men.
now then...ahem..
There are three sides to a coin.
the first side. My lighter more trusting side that is always seen. I rarely deviate from its path and guidance that comes with being the nice guy. A beacon of power that inspires others. I work for what i look forward to.
However there is the 2nd side. My inner most rage. My passion of chaos. My burning lust for control. That is where he resides. My other side of my face my 2nd face. A being without mercy or remorse. One who when angered will lash out at anyone.
the 3rd side. I am always in the middle teetering on the edge between two sides. I try to keep my balance but will tend to lose it at times. falling off this edge always lands me in a random spot. but i must..i must keep this coin rolling in my mind till it is no longer me that falls but rather the coin itself till it can't be rolled no more.
now to sum up
basically i purposely made nanaki have a very serious form of madness but he manages to keep it in check for the love he has for his trainer Don. If Don had not shown up in his life when he did nanaki wouldn't even be alive. he owes Don his life and works hard to make sure not to upset him....He even went so far as to have his own claws clipped off when he was a charmeleon because he lost his mental control and snapped in the middle of a Pokemon battle. He brutally beat up the poor pokemon forcing Don to lead into the path of his final attack. In that instant of bravery Don received a full on slash attack to his back. When nanaki saw this he snapped back to normal and got on his knees and began crying....he looked at the horrified trainer and the other pokemon he injured..he looked at them so deeply and sincerely as to say he was sorry. the trainer was not fully understanding but he helped nanaki and don to the pokemon center.
Nanaki at this time didn't have the complete ability to speak so his words would sometimes end in char language. He sat by Don's bedside crying over what he had done. He looked at his claws and then stepped out to go to nurse joy. She was aware of nanaki's ability to speak and greeted him with cheery hello. He smiled a little but tears still ran down his cheeks. Looking up at her he gave her a very serious look and then looked at his claws. He eventually tried to say something
"chaar you pleeaaarrse help me so chaarraa char happen again?" Nurse joy was shocked at this. she knew he could talk but never this well. She could partially understand what he was asking of her when he was looking at his claws. She nodded with a small frown and escorted him to the operating room.
Nanaki returns to Don's bedside and the trainer finally awakens looking over seeing his friend finally asleep but covered in tears. but what caught his attention the most was that his hands were wrapped up and then it clicked in his mind what his friend had done. It made him sad but he knew nanaki had his reasons.
From this time on nanaki did get his claws back however he took on a more brawler type style of fighting as he had to resort to punch attacks and such.
So out of boredom i'm going to try and put to words what its like for nanaki to have ikanan. Please keep in mind this is the feral nanaki. this is the real version of my sona. He is totally different in terms of his likes and dislikes to a minor degree....one such is that he is straight and has nothing towards men.
now then...ahem..
There are three sides to a coin.
the first side. My lighter more trusting side that is always seen. I rarely deviate from its path and guidance that comes with being the nice guy. A beacon of power that inspires others. I work for what i look forward to.
However there is the 2nd side. My inner most rage. My passion of chaos. My burning lust for control. That is where he resides. My other side of my face my 2nd face. A being without mercy or remorse. One who when angered will lash out at anyone.
the 3rd side. I am always in the middle teetering on the edge between two sides. I try to keep my balance but will tend to lose it at times. falling off this edge always lands me in a random spot. but i must..i must keep this coin rolling in my mind till it is no longer me that falls but rather the coin itself till it can't be rolled no more.
now to sum up
basically i purposely made nanaki have a very serious form of madness but he manages to keep it in check for the love he has for his trainer Don. If Don had not shown up in his life when he did nanaki wouldn't even be alive. he owes Don his life and works hard to make sure not to upset him....He even went so far as to have his own claws clipped off when he was a charmeleon because he lost his mental control and snapped in the middle of a Pokemon battle. He brutally beat up the poor pokemon forcing Don to lead into the path of his final attack. In that instant of bravery Don received a full on slash attack to his back. When nanaki saw this he snapped back to normal and got on his knees and began crying....he looked at the horrified trainer and the other pokemon he injured..he looked at them so deeply and sincerely as to say he was sorry. the trainer was not fully understanding but he helped nanaki and don to the pokemon center.
Nanaki at this time didn't have the complete ability to speak so his words would sometimes end in char language. He sat by Don's bedside crying over what he had done. He looked at his claws and then stepped out to go to nurse joy. She was aware of nanaki's ability to speak and greeted him with cheery hello. He smiled a little but tears still ran down his cheeks. Looking up at her he gave her a very serious look and then looked at his claws. He eventually tried to say something
"chaar you pleeaaarrse help me so chaarraa char happen again?" Nurse joy was shocked at this. she knew he could talk but never this well. She could partially understand what he was asking of her when he was looking at his claws. She nodded with a small frown and escorted him to the operating room.
Nanaki returns to Don's bedside and the trainer finally awakens looking over seeing his friend finally asleep but covered in tears. but what caught his attention the most was that his hands were wrapped up and then it clicked in his mind what his friend had done. It made him sad but he knew nanaki had his reasons.
From this time on nanaki did get his claws back however he took on a more brawler type style of fighting as he had to resort to punch attacks and such.
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Trades still owed:
wolfiecanem Sword render shown here http://www.furaffinity.net/full/6135359/ His side completed : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6143203/
My side unfinished
Canceled by request
sciggles Render of her Laykien character as a cute wittle boxy all sleepy and cute.
I'm not intentionally implying this IS your issue, but saying that if you have a pattern of problems in your life with emotional swings that have made trouble for you, and you wish you could get a handle on them, this is what psychiatrists are for. It can be a sign of bipolar disorder, which responds EXCELLENTLY to medication, because it almost definitely is a genetic disorder, for it responds almost categorically to lithium, or other medication. But only a psychiatrist can diagnose it - there's no questionaire that can tell for sure. But there are some that can help you figure whether you have some cause to talk to a psychiatrist, and what questions you might ask them about. So a search for a bipolar test should pick up something online.
I'm basically worried for what you describe isn't a life living in balance so much as it is a life living on edge. One a careful balancing act not to fall into violent rage. This isn't how most people experience living, and it sounds stressful, and as well something that can make it difficult to be around people, especially be near people in a caring, intimate way. This is where I hope therapy can help you life more comfortably.
I too have become attached to what is a dangerous, and many consider evil, cruel, murderous, dangerous, tortuous, mean, heartless, destructive, self-centered, terror-oriented creature. Some of that is part and parcel of their deity worship and warlike nature. And their desire to be feared. I remove my character from this context, bleaching his sadism (save for between consenting adults), and making his zealotry about fearsome aspect and fright be more about how fear is also a prime component of awe, and so he likes being awesome.
Dark emotions and feelings do have a healthy means of expression and outlet. Nanakisan may be yours, indeed - the Charizard's power, strength, appetite, wrath, size, hunger, destructive fire, vengeful claws, all may be a catharsis for you. I am inadequate to tell is my point. I am under care of a psychiatrist, so already am receiving therapy for my various mental disorders and seem to be coping fine.
It's possible to be happy, be well, and not sacrifice or give up anything. Sometimes all that happens is you change the context of the creature from being one of rage to one of guardianship or companionship to even a metaphor for a perfect companion... sometimes, you don't realize that the mind creates or recognizes its own wants and needs, and if it doesn't fit the logic of the conscious mind, the logic circuits work very hard at creating this "pretzel logic" bending facts and information to fit the data so it makes a weird kind of (non)sense.
This is a well-known fact in biology, when the body is starving for a particular kind of nutrient, suddenly foods that otherwise might be disgusting will be eaten (someone lost as sea eats fish eyes, raw liver, roe, etc., instead of fish flesh because of lack of vitamins C, B complex, A, etc. and actually starts enjoying them more). Who's to say this same want/need organ works solely on biological survival imperatives, when our mating drive is also a survival imperative as well?
The brain is amazingly complex, so there's no weakness or fault in admitting to a professional you may wish to discuss some behavioral and emotional issues. They are commensurate clinicians, and will not judge you for anything you tell them, and use the information you tell them to guide them along a series of clinically-based and not intended to be hurtful questions to arrive at a decision as to whether you may need chemical or counseling therapies.
the only time i ever really lost my control was when some arse in middle school a 7th grader wouldn't stop insulting my mother. I asked him to stop and so did the other students who knew me. He wouldn't stop so i had to make him and thats when i snapped and went into a blind rage and jumped out of my seat and took the ass to the ground and proceeded to punch his lights out.
It took 3 male teachers to hold me down while the student was helped up and taken to the nurses room covered in several bruises a really bloody nose. the next day he got a 1 week suspension and i got only 1 day. the reason behind this was that the students who witnessed this came to the office to report what had happened.....sigh....
In reality i suffer from Aspergers Syndrome actually. I recently learned about it and all my symptoms match with it.
1) Do you understand humor, like puns and double meaning jokes? Do you have trouble with people using metaphors like "Take a seat" when they don't really mean for you to take a chair, but sit in it?
2) Does the emotional state of people not have any sense or confuse you? Like do you wish you had a little picture book to help match a facial expression with what somebody is feeling, like means happy and means sad, and means laughing, etc? Do you basically have no way of sympathizing or conceiving that there is an emotional state in yourself or in other people around you?
These are the two autistic issues chiefly problematic in Asperger's Patients. If you can tell a joke, understand what timing means in the delivery of a joke, understand puns that have two meanings, one literal, one very silly or ironic or lascivious.
I was bullied and pushed around and made fun of, very miserable in my middle-school years. I loathed them. When backed into a corner, I made a threat, but never really fought. I managed to never really strike another child in anger. Mostly out of fear for being hurt, but as well because I can't stand the sight of blood - my own, or others.
There IS a therapy for asperger's that for one man, who actually invented some great electronics in the past, always worked on his own, because working with others and attending company meetings were a problem for him. Social functioning just isn't something he can do. He was called into certain meetings with company presidents, and would prove himself socially awkward by speaking his mind without tact. Like when the president would say something he disagreed with, he'd say, "That's not true; you're STUPID." This is typical of Asperger's patients. They'll say their thoughts without waiting for their turn, or dialing the tact up or down to be more or less appropriate based on how they may affect the feelings of who's hearing them, or how these words might affect your job. Everybody else has this sort of mental editing going on all the time.
Anyway, he got this therapy that beams a focused magnetic energy deep into the brain to a certain center that is supposedly more active in Asperger's patients. When it is interrupted by this energy, suddenly emotional awareness occurs. This guy replied it was like a couple things. Like going from black and white vision to color. And like gaining depth perception. All of a sudden, he gained awareness of emotions in people, how they feel, how he can relate to them, and I guess it meant he felt better connected and definitely showed his understanding and empathy were at a new high, Happier, more social, muchly improved, broadened person.
Of course it took several sessions and had relapses, but it looked like it had helpful results. For that reason, I believe this means there is a lot better understanding of Asperger's, and a lot of hope about really curing the condition, and not just medicating it forever which is my fate with Bipolar disorder.