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An Apology and Some Musings...
14 years ago
Who are we but strolling players
Wand'ring through the long ago
Joys and sadness, hopes and longings,
Keep us traveling onward through
The laughter and applause of others,
Who view the passing cavalcade,
Leave echoes hovering some far summer,
Floating round a woodland glade.
'Twas but a tale for your amusement,
Like my small unworthy rhyme,
Gone, alas, into those realms,
The land of once upon a time.
~Prologue to the Redwall novel Marlfox
Wand'ring through the long ago
Joys and sadness, hopes and longings,
Keep us traveling onward through
The laughter and applause of others,
Who view the passing cavalcade,
Leave echoes hovering some far summer,
Floating round a woodland glade.
'Twas but a tale for your amusement,
Like my small unworthy rhyme,
Gone, alas, into those realms,
The land of once upon a time.
~Prologue to the Redwall novel Marlfox
Alright, first off I would like to apologize to anyone and everyone I've seemed distant to or fallen out of contact with. I don't mean for it to happen, but it does. I will say that I'm attempting to get on messengers more often, but want to warn you that i'm also job-searching, so i can't guarantee i'll be on a whole bunch if that works out for me.
I've decided I need to be more outgoing and pester the people I wish to talk to more often. This means that some of you may be getting random messages that will probably begin with a gently *prod* or random appearance. Social interaction in real life right now is limited beyond my interactions with my family and the few friends that I still managed to keep contact with, so the rp stuff is merely a way for me to keep semi-active and keep myself from thinking about certain things too much. Thinking about certain things leads me to being a tremendous bummer and that doesn't need to occur when I'm trying to be more social.
I've noticed that, while I'm generally open about my interests and feelings, I tend to still be a little guarded... My main fear in dealing with anyone is that they'll realize how much of a fuck-up I can be and decide that I'm not worth the trouble... No, not many people have given me reason to think that, I just really don't have the high opinion of myself that a lot of you guys seem to have. You guys tend to put me up on a pedestal... and it gets scary. People keeps saying that I'm a great friend, that I'm wonderful and all this other stuff.... but... I just don't see it, honestly. I look in a mirror, and nothing I see seems worth the effort that you guys put forward to try and keep me happy.
I love you guys a lot, even if I don't know you that well... what I do know of you, what I learn through observation and the occasional moment of interaction is that those I associate with and gravitate towards are open-minded and caring people. You guys are like a big family, albeit somewhat dysfunctional and a bit crazy. Even though I turned 21 last year, I still feel like a kid... there's so much I don't know, about myself and about others, and it worries me because without knowledge of certain things, I can't be ready for what's coming... I have trouble making plans for the future, because I have so little control at this point in time that I really have no way to enact my plans without relying on others. Relying on others is hard when, a lot of the time, reliance on them has ended badly or with consequences.
Sometimes I feel that if I could just fade away without even leaving memories, that others might be better off. But I know that that's the wrong idea... I've done some good, I think, even if I am a pain in the ass most of the time. I want to help others be happy in any way I can... even if the cost is my own happiness sometimes. We can't all be happy all the time, but if I can help even one person feel better after they've had a shitty day, then I feel a little better...
I don't know if anyone will take the time to read this... but if you do, thank you... if you couldn't take the time then... that's okay too. I know people are busy and the unstructured thoughts of some random person in another part of the world sometimes just isn't that interesting.
tl;dr: I'm sorry for being distant, I'm trying to work on it. I'm looking for a job, trying to be more social, and having a bit of a personal crisis. I wanna' make people happy, even if it means I can't be.
As I said before, I love you guys... You're like family to me, and even if we can't talk a lot, or we just stop talking altogether, you're always in my heart. Even when I'm down and lonely, I know that some people, for whatever reason, think I'm worth something...
Take care, and I hope we talk soon. *leaves a few hundred plates of cookies for everyone*
I've decided I need to be more outgoing and pester the people I wish to talk to more often. This means that some of you may be getting random messages that will probably begin with a gently *prod* or random appearance. Social interaction in real life right now is limited beyond my interactions with my family and the few friends that I still managed to keep contact with, so the rp stuff is merely a way for me to keep semi-active and keep myself from thinking about certain things too much. Thinking about certain things leads me to being a tremendous bummer and that doesn't need to occur when I'm trying to be more social.
I've noticed that, while I'm generally open about my interests and feelings, I tend to still be a little guarded... My main fear in dealing with anyone is that they'll realize how much of a fuck-up I can be and decide that I'm not worth the trouble... No, not many people have given me reason to think that, I just really don't have the high opinion of myself that a lot of you guys seem to have. You guys tend to put me up on a pedestal... and it gets scary. People keeps saying that I'm a great friend, that I'm wonderful and all this other stuff.... but... I just don't see it, honestly. I look in a mirror, and nothing I see seems worth the effort that you guys put forward to try and keep me happy.
I love you guys a lot, even if I don't know you that well... what I do know of you, what I learn through observation and the occasional moment of interaction is that those I associate with and gravitate towards are open-minded and caring people. You guys are like a big family, albeit somewhat dysfunctional and a bit crazy. Even though I turned 21 last year, I still feel like a kid... there's so much I don't know, about myself and about others, and it worries me because without knowledge of certain things, I can't be ready for what's coming... I have trouble making plans for the future, because I have so little control at this point in time that I really have no way to enact my plans without relying on others. Relying on others is hard when, a lot of the time, reliance on them has ended badly or with consequences.
Sometimes I feel that if I could just fade away without even leaving memories, that others might be better off. But I know that that's the wrong idea... I've done some good, I think, even if I am a pain in the ass most of the time. I want to help others be happy in any way I can... even if the cost is my own happiness sometimes. We can't all be happy all the time, but if I can help even one person feel better after they've had a shitty day, then I feel a little better...
I don't know if anyone will take the time to read this... but if you do, thank you... if you couldn't take the time then... that's okay too. I know people are busy and the unstructured thoughts of some random person in another part of the world sometimes just isn't that interesting.
tl;dr: I'm sorry for being distant, I'm trying to work on it. I'm looking for a job, trying to be more social, and having a bit of a personal crisis. I wanna' make people happy, even if it means I can't be.
As I said before, I love you guys... You're like family to me, and even if we can't talk a lot, or we just stop talking altogether, you're always in my heart. Even when I'm down and lonely, I know that some people, for whatever reason, think I'm worth something...
Take care, and I hope we talk soon. *leaves a few hundred plates of cookies for everyone*
The most rewarding thing about the fandom is being able to meet people like you. Seriously. Someone who isn't full of himself and admits he doesn't have all the answers, someone who genuinely cares about his friends...It really makes you stick out from many people in life. So no, the pedestal is not an exaggeration, never was, never will be.
I'll always be around to talk, going through some of that same confused and uncertain future that you mentioned.
If I can help you at all with talking through anything you need or want to talk about, I'm here for you.
However, as much as we have not talked lately, I do still think about you from time to time and remember the good times :O3 You are a good friend, even if you don't think so. No pressure involved. Just you being yourself is good enough for a burr :O3