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Of Life and Death
14 years ago
It's the natural course, the natural cycle of things. We aren't built to last. Our bodies deteriorate over time. We can slow it, try and stop it, we can look after ourselves continually and ritualistically but that doesn't stop death.
Right, I'm not actually making this journal to discuss that aspect, even if it is just where my brain wandered too.
On Sunday, Jan 15 2012 my Dad passed away.
This did not come as a surprise to me. I know that is terrible to say but last week, he had had a stroke and lost all feeling with his left side. He had pneumonia, again, and could no longer eat or drink. He refused a tube in his stomach to help him eat and went off of dialysis. He was started on a morphine drip to help with the pain and transferred to a hospice facility.
I wished so bad I had the finances to go see him again, with every call or text to my phone I was near in tears. I got to speak to him for the last time on Saturday, where he didn't even know who he was talking to. I was called my sister, my Mom, and me several times throughout the conversation. (My Mom passed in '06 if this says how far gone he was)
I told him I loved him every time I could, every time I thought I had his attention even for a second where he might understand, even if he thought it was one of the others he perceived me as saying it. A part of me knew it would be the last time, as he hadn't taken sustenance since Wednesday or Thursday.
I spoke with my brother who was up there on Sunday, he said Dad was sleeping and he'd call me when he woke so I could try talking to him again. Dad was barely awake 5-20 minutes in his last days. When Jay called again, I just had this sinking feeling before I even answered the phone. Dad had passed, the nurse had called Jay to tell him he was gone.
That night was a blur of calls and an emotional coaster that went one direction, down. This week has been a struggle. I know I'll get through it, it just hurts.
Right, I'm not actually making this journal to discuss that aspect, even if it is just where my brain wandered too.
On Sunday, Jan 15 2012 my Dad passed away.
This did not come as a surprise to me. I know that is terrible to say but last week, he had had a stroke and lost all feeling with his left side. He had pneumonia, again, and could no longer eat or drink. He refused a tube in his stomach to help him eat and went off of dialysis. He was started on a morphine drip to help with the pain and transferred to a hospice facility.
I wished so bad I had the finances to go see him again, with every call or text to my phone I was near in tears. I got to speak to him for the last time on Saturday, where he didn't even know who he was talking to. I was called my sister, my Mom, and me several times throughout the conversation. (My Mom passed in '06 if this says how far gone he was)
I told him I loved him every time I could, every time I thought I had his attention even for a second where he might understand, even if he thought it was one of the others he perceived me as saying it. A part of me knew it would be the last time, as he hadn't taken sustenance since Wednesday or Thursday.
I spoke with my brother who was up there on Sunday, he said Dad was sleeping and he'd call me when he woke so I could try talking to him again. Dad was barely awake 5-20 minutes in his last days. When Jay called again, I just had this sinking feeling before I even answered the phone. Dad had passed, the nurse had called Jay to tell him he was gone.
That night was a blur of calls and an emotional coaster that went one direction, down. This week has been a struggle. I know I'll get through it, it just hurts.
I'm sorry for your loss.