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Old Friends
13 years ago
You ever do something for your own good for your future self? Or gotten annoyed that your past self made a decision for yourself later?
A long time ago, I had a close friend online. He was probably my best friend at the time. He started being kind of annoying so I didn't sign in for a week just to give myself a break so I wouldn't say anything dumb. All was well and good for the next week. Back to being awesome friends. Good decision, just letting everything blow over.
Then suddenly, without provocation, I'm assaulted by a slew of emails describing how much he dislikes me. He'd changed, somewhere along the lines. I'd known him for a long time. But now, he hates my guts. So with the greatest of pain, I deleted him from my address book. I'd tried to resolve things. It wasn't going to happen. I deleted every place I had a contact for him. I have no way of messaging him now. Sometimes I wish I did. And that's when I should thank my past self for preventing that. But I don't.
If he ever changes again, well, I'm sure he has my email. I'd think I also still show up on his msn when I log in and out every day. I hope he messages me someday. I miss my friend.
I miss him a lot.
A long time ago, I had a close friend online. He was probably my best friend at the time. He started being kind of annoying so I didn't sign in for a week just to give myself a break so I wouldn't say anything dumb. All was well and good for the next week. Back to being awesome friends. Good decision, just letting everything blow over.
Then suddenly, without provocation, I'm assaulted by a slew of emails describing how much he dislikes me. He'd changed, somewhere along the lines. I'd known him for a long time. But now, he hates my guts. So with the greatest of pain, I deleted him from my address book. I'd tried to resolve things. It wasn't going to happen. I deleted every place I had a contact for him. I have no way of messaging him now. Sometimes I wish I did. And that's when I should thank my past self for preventing that. But I don't.
If he ever changes again, well, I'm sure he has my email. I'd think I also still show up on his msn when I log in and out every day. I hope he messages me someday. I miss my friend.
I miss him a lot.
Yeah. Probably have done that a couple times. And yes, some people come back. But so far, it's been the creepy ones. Not the ones I honestly regret doing that with.
No. It's more like I'VE had it done to me and waited... and waited... and waited. And now that a new year's well into January, I try sending a short & sweet apology / question if we are still friends...?
DEAD SILENCE.
I'm still banned. Cut off. Not worth answering. I even said just tell me to go away and that will be IT. But never came the clean break, the closure. So I have no idea what my transgression was... So confused. It can be some things, but it also can be them - I never was allowed very close... If only they could've told me back off, I already have someone, I'm not that into you... but no. Just the classic bubble inflates, bubble bursts. All in my mind. I hate myself for becoming so attached, so hopeful.
I can tell you are very likely in this same boat with me. Not only are they not reading your journal, they are probably skipping over your comments, and perhaps even not following people you watch just to avoid you. The hurt and jealousy can reflect, is what I'm saying. Not immediately, but ultimately. Just I think.
Not as if I have like EVEN ONE actual solid relationship to draw on as a clue. Not romantic, anyway. Maybe some rusty old friendships from the 1970s that are stale and rusted since the mid 1980s... Not had a regular friend to visit with since then. Lonely ever since. Miserable most of that time, too...
And hopefully you'd like me even if I wasn't ripped. *flex*
But thanks.
I love him and miss him. So the best thing is to leave him alone.