It's clear that I'm going to carry some piece of my old friend Albaster around in my psyche for the foreseeable future. I'm not entirely sure why he sticks around, always there, but he's there. I look forward to a day when I can make peace with the actual Albaster, so that this piece of him can finally be at rest. He's not the first personality to be absorbed into my inner chorus of influences, and he won't be the last. Most of them have blended into the background, but it's the ones who represent a link to people most hostile to me, who constantly make the most noise in my psyche. I can see that my inner Albaster will never calm down until things are good with the actual Albaster.

I don't want to subject him to an unwanted unhappy guilt-ridden friendship...but I do hope for something more along the lines of an amicable estrangement - where there is no active friendship, but there are no active problems either.

I'm still not sure how to handle the Doppleganger issue. Whereas Alby and I were friends for a long time, I actually don't know Doppleganger at all, except that he saw fit to shout at me over my association with Alby. I randomly see him referenced a lot on FA, but I'm not sure what to think. His hostility toward me has been one of the most unnerving things about all that has happened, seeming to have a lot of opinions about me and Alby despite being a complete stranger to me. And since he seems highly protective of Alby, and I don't really care for antagonism, I really wasn't sure what to do or say. I'm still not sure.

For now, both Albaster and Doppleganger remain on block. Not for a lack of willingness to make peace, but out of a desire not to be yelled at. I would like to be confident that, if such a situation arose, we could speak civilly and respectfully. I'm not entirely certain it's a realistic chance, but it's not an unrealistic wish.

It seems better to be able to summarize these things when I'm feeling less emotional strain. And when it comes to emotional strain, it hasn't exactly escaped me that he might have had to witness a lot of strong emotions from me other the years, and it might have taken a silent toll. I've long tried to keep my emotions moderated, with the understanding that I have them and they are often quite strong, but I try to limit their effects on the people around me. It usually seemed to work. Usually. But he could have felt a great deal of strain that he hid from me. And if he felt guilted by me...I never saw it back when it might have mattered. It's one of my big regrets, where I feel like I might have let him down, where the outcome might have been avoided if I had only done better... I know well that what-ifs and could-have-dones can be very toxic to a person's self-esteem. But really - I felt a great deal of obligation to be the best friend I could be. And I also know that, too often, when something goes wrong, I am more ready to blame myself than doubt other people's conduct. I gotta grow a spine one of these days. But I really did care about how he was doing and how he felt, and whether he was happy. It was nice to see him actually really happy and in good spirits. I kinda wish he could have told me more often when something was wrong.

Well, that's the situation. And from the beginning to the end of writing this journal entry, I still feel relatively emotionally stable. If only I could write more journals with a clearer head than when I'm in the depths of emotional doldrums, I would delete fewer entries after the fact, and I could look back at my entries with more satisfaction.

Thanks for listening.