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"Knowing Thyself"
18 years ago
General
A little bit of freewrite to organize my thoughts--
I think I'm going through what some kinky people call "sub frenzy" except...not. I haven't done anything terribly kinky. Though last night...I dunno what it was, I wasn't terribly sober but I knew what was going on with B and I very much liked it. I haven't been touched like that in years, not since freshman year of high school. Just a gentle carress, with an expectation but not an expectation. It just was. I want to do it aagain. I don't know what I'm going to do with D and M though. I'm sure they'd be very happy for me to be happy, but I don't want to disappoint them.
What if all I'm feeling is the enjoyment for how B treated me and not B himself? I like him, a lot, I really do I just...I don't know. I know I need to talk to him, I just dunno when. Maybe I'll email him for coffee like he emailed me a month ago. Discuss. But I need to talk to D and M to see what they think.
But what if all of this is just in my head and he was feeling me up because I was drunk and Certainly Not Objecting and not because he actually likes me? But his actions and his words didn't show that. Maybe I'm just paranoid.
FUCK ME I'm going in circles.
I just need to talk to him. And them. Them first. But I don't want to break it off with them first and then find out that I was completely barking up the wrong tree. But if I'm not and I break it off with them are they going to be happy? Am I going to be happy? I know how he acts sometimes, does that bother me? Provided he's not, you know, sleeping around--why am I even thinking about that right now, I don't even know if he's actually interested?
FUCK. This didn't help.
I think I'm going through what some kinky people call "sub frenzy" except...not. I haven't done anything terribly kinky. Though last night...I dunno what it was, I wasn't terribly sober but I knew what was going on with B and I very much liked it. I haven't been touched like that in years, not since freshman year of high school. Just a gentle carress, with an expectation but not an expectation. It just was. I want to do it aagain. I don't know what I'm going to do with D and M though. I'm sure they'd be very happy for me to be happy, but I don't want to disappoint them.
What if all I'm feeling is the enjoyment for how B treated me and not B himself? I like him, a lot, I really do I just...I don't know. I know I need to talk to him, I just dunno when. Maybe I'll email him for coffee like he emailed me a month ago. Discuss. But I need to talk to D and M to see what they think.
But what if all of this is just in my head and he was feeling me up because I was drunk and Certainly Not Objecting and not because he actually likes me? But his actions and his words didn't show that. Maybe I'm just paranoid.
FUCK ME I'm going in circles.
I just need to talk to him. And them. Them first. But I don't want to break it off with them first and then find out that I was completely barking up the wrong tree. But if I'm not and I break it off with them are they going to be happy? Am I going to be happy? I know how he acts sometimes, does that bother me? Provided he's not, you know, sleeping around--why am I even thinking about that right now, I don't even know if he's actually interested?
FUCK. This didn't help.
