Some people know this all too well, like my boyfriend or my local friends, especially  zerowhitefang (Bless you for putting up with me) , I am not right in the head. To be more specific, the therapist I've been seeing for the past ~2 years is pretty certain that I'm bipolar. This isn't a surprise to me, I have a family history of it. I'm more than willing to admit that even if it isn't, I'm still not an emotionally stable person. I'm easily overwhelmed with small things, I have major depressive episodes, and numerous other little issues. I am entirely aware I have a problem, hence my seeing a therapist to work on it.

That all being said, I think I'm getting worse. While I was at home, I was the most stable I've been for a LONG time. Since I have come back to school, I've been plagued by depressive episodes weekly, I even had a small breakdown on the first week. The problems that caused the breakdown has since been taken care of. I used to get by with a weekly meeting with my therapist, but this semester I've been seeing her usually twice a week, sometimes 3 if I'm doing especially bad. While I'd like to blame all of it on being at this school, believe me when I say nothing would make me happier than to say it's this school, I have to accept that I may just be getting worse on my own.

My work load is substantially less difficult than it was last semester, even I'm aware of that. I'm in a stable relationship with the love of my life. Hell, my mother won the lottery right before I came back to school and we'll be receiving a chunk of money soon that we can really use. Despite all this good news, I still find myself sinking into these episodes where I feel everything is bleak and hopeless. Other times, I run high and tight, burning with energy until I eventually crash.

With all this in mind, I would like to say this journal's intent is NOT meant as a cry for attention or as an excuse for my actions as of late. My intent is to explain to the people that my behavior effects that I am sorry for how I act. I feel guilty for when I bring others down, or seem as though I'm ignoring their feelings because I'm depressed. I care very much for my friends and I never want to harm the relationships I've formed with that. I've thought about this a lot and I've decided that I may need to begin taking some form of medication to help deal with my emotional trouble. I have tried for a long time to avoid this, mostly out of fear of side effects. However, I can no longer sit by and allow myself to get worse and if I have to turn to medication to get better, than so be it. I would like to hope that I will not need to take anything, but if I do not improve or at least stabilize, it may be necessary.

Thank you to those who read that wall of text. I do not TL;DR things when I'm being serious.

-Nocturne