This is the first journal I have ever done. I put off writing one for fear of sounding stupid or random, and I honestly I don't know of a better way to respond to all of the comments made on Teal's most recent journal, then with a journal of my own. So, here goes... In order for you all to understand what we (Teal, Koji and i) have been going through, I have to start with an event that took place this past October. I think we all know what I am talking about but I will say it anyway:Brian's death... I truly didn't understand the full impact on my husband but I did see all the pain he went through. The Insomnia, not eating (he lost more then forty pounds in less then 3 months!), the vomiting, all the Depression... He was on depression meds for a month just to cope. He also tried to kill himself... many times... As hard as it was for us to go through, there was always one thing that made him feel better. Talking to everyone on FA. He said that through talking to people and making journals, he was able to cope with this loss, and make living a little easier. It was during this time that Teal revealed to me that he believed that he was bisexual or maybe even gay. I admit I had some feelings about that when I marred him, but this realization didn't change my feelings for him. In fact, it made me feel happy, even proud of him. Because Teal no longer had to hide his true feelings. And he trusted me enough to tell me. I was a little worried at first, I thought that he would not find me desirable anymore. Teal comforted me by saying that I was the only woman he could ever love in that way, and he would never leave me for anyone-not even another guy. With this realization did come happier times, but also fear. You see both Teal and I were raised Christian. And now on top of everything else, Teal was worried that his feelings were damming him to Hell. I tried to help him as best I could, by comforting him and reminding him of what I was taught. God made us all, and he loves all of us no matter what. Being gay doesn't mean and automatic Hell sentence. But as much as I tried to help him, I knew I could not truly understand what he was going through, and as much as I wanted too, I could not not help him... I felt powerless... I could not help the one I love... Then, my prayers were answered. Through talking to various Furs on FA and Skype, Teal was able to meet, Koji. From the start, they seemed to me, to have a special connection. An understanding that up until then I believed that only Teal and I had. Then one day while I was at work, I learned that Teal tried again to kill himself by jumping from our balcony. I am unable to use my phone at work and did not receive the messages until I got off work, more then three hours after he jumped... Words cannot describe the feelings I had... I was unable to help him again. But, thank God, someone was. Koji stayed on the phone the whole time with Teal. Talking him away from a higher balcony, when the jump from ours didn't have the desired effect. If it wasn't for him, Koji, I don't know what would have happened to Teal. I don't want to think about it... In the days and weeks that fallowed, both Teal and I started to talk to Koji regularly. He not only helped Teal in the way I couldn't, but he helped me as well. Not only by listening to me, but by speaking truthfully from his heart. I really admire him for that. And as my and Koji's relationship became that of a 'big sister' and 'little brother' relationship; his and Teal's changed as well. Scence Teal had confided his true feelings to me, he had been discussing 'experimenting', to see if he really liked it or if he was just chorious. I didn't know what to think about it at first. He is more then my husband. He is also my best friend, truly. We were each other's first date, first kiss, first time seeing the opposet sex naked. We were virgins until we were married. We had known each other 5 years, dated 3 years, engaged nearly 2 years. It was hard for me to imagine him with anyone but me. But, I truly wanted him to be happy, so I wanted to do my best to stay opened minded... I know that this is where most of you came into the story, Koji coming down to visit. But most of you don't know that this is not why we wanted him to come down to Texas. Koji needed help establishing himself as an independent person. Never being on his own or having a job, Teal and I wanted to help him. We arranged for Koji to come down and visit, see if he liked Texas enough so that he could move here and get a job and be independent. That is why we wanted him down here. The main reason, anyway. I cannot speak for Teal or Koji or there true feelings for each other, but I can say that what I saw between them was a truly sweet and wonderful kind of love. While Koji was here, him and Teal made sure that they discussed with me 'anything' they wanted to try, to make sure that I was comfortable with it. At first, I thought that I would be... I wanted so badly to be... I could see the feelings they had for each other, all the love and understanding. I felt like I was the third-wheel. The one in the way... If Teal hadn't married me, they could truly be together... We all talked. Many, many times to make sure that I was ok... I thought that I was. I truly wanted to be. But after seeing my husband show affection to another person... I cannot explain the pain that I felt.... I don't know if I can ever fully explain it... My mom died one month before I turned 10 and I can safely say that this week has been the most painful, emotional week of my like so far. And if it wasn't for Kyle and Koji, I don't know what would have happened. They saw I was upset and they stopped. They both told me that my feelings were priority and if I didn't feel comfortable with something, they would not do it. I even now still feel bad but both have told me not too and have apologized for hurting me. They put my feelings before there's. Even though they love each other in that special way, as Mates; they still did not want to do anything to upset me. That made me feel so loved and special that they would do all that for me. I know that ours is a unique situation and that not everyone would understand or accept it. I'm sure that there will be a few Furs that think that I am a very nieve person. Or, that what the three of us have is either weird or wrong on some level. And I do appreciate that there are Furs who wanted to make sure that I was not being treated badly or anything. That is why I wrote this extremely long and ( I'm sure) boring journal to set right what everyone thought about our situation. And I just want to make clear that my feelings were given priority. As I have said, I do truly apologize to Teal and Koji for thinking I would be ok, then not being ok. I know that they have been telling me for months now that if I was not comfortable with it, nothing would happen. Please do not judge Teal harshly by his last entry. I know he accidently worded it in a way that made it sound as though he blamed me. I assure you, that is NOT the case! Teal was very upset when he wrote that, and that is why it sounded the way it did. Come on! You guys know Teal. Do you really think he would do something like that? He did become very sad today when he read all the comments on the journal. So sad he tried to hurt him self because he thought that people believed that he was a horrible person... He loves and appreciates all his friends and extended family on FA. We both do. And I truly care for you guys, too. I love my wonderful gay Hubby and I am very proud of him! Not just because he works at a hospital helping to save lives everyday, but because he introduced me to my new little brother and angel, Koji.