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A Unicorn I Used to Know
13 years ago
I finally took my stand against my unicorn. That mythical creature that cannot be tamed.
Somewhere in the last year and a half, I've had such a horrible year with rejection. People who shut me out and people who've made me feel like I didn't matter. Sure, it takes two to tango, and I've let them make me feel like that. This has made me re-evaluate who I am. And somewhere in the mix, I realized that I didn't love myself anymore. I had it at one point, now I'm not so sure.
I believe that you don't need someone else to complete who you are. At least, I try to remember that I believed this. Inner peace must be attained from within. But after a serious loss of identity, it's hard to figure out which puzzle pieces are missing, and I turned to the easier way out... finding it in others.
At FC, I realized that a unicorn had taken me off my path. It was the wrong path ever since 2006. There was always a certain part of me that wanted to the sex, and the other part of me who wanted acceptance. I wanted this one person to be with me for even an instance, to confirm that I was worthy. Con after con, I was always shut out. If it wasn't that my unicorn was sleeping with other guys, or even my roommate... it was broken promises of a dinner or time spent together, even as friends.
I've explained it to several people... and they all ask, "why are you even friends with him?" and I have no answer. It wasn't really a friendship, I don't think. It was a friendship at his convenience. Which is why the song really resonated with me. I was treated like a stranger, and we were supposedly friends for years... I can pretend no longer that he was ever a friend to me. And knowing that will hopefully set me free.
The worst part was when he shut the door on me the last time... he said "see, your unicorn does exist..."
I agreed. That was the last time I saw him, and I hope that will be the last time I ever see him ever again.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a dream, but if that dream is a person, maybe re-evaluate why you're doing it. Question whether or not what you're getting from them isn't something that you can't find within yourself... and perhaps maybe it might open the door to finding out how to be whole from within.
Now after I feel like I've burnt this bridge down, I just need the strength to find my path again... and hopefully pick up some of the pieces of who I am along the way.
TL;DR
I had a unicorn... now he's just somebody I used to know...
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming *hug.*
I don't know what to say, as don't really know the situation beyond what you've just said. But, if there is anything I can do to help you though, let me know.
*tightens hug* I care about you. I don't know that I can be of any assistance in your self rediscovery, but I want to be available to help if it turns out I can be. And, I know I am far from the only person.
I would wish you luck, but it sounds like you've got your shit together already.
As a side note, that song is going to go down on every Breakup Playlist from here on out.
I was going to recommend Janiva Magness' "You Were Never Mine," but that doesn't have the same subtle vibe of betrayal to it.
Nicely done, sir.
And i am glad to read these lines: i told you many times that you are your worst foe, and that you should love yourself more because boy, you are a wonderful man. It should only add to this when other people see it and let you know, but even when that does not happen and you are let down, that awareness should be always there to back you up.
I remeber telling you once to leave your door open.
Just ALWAYS remember that you are the master in the house,at any time.