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So, I felt like writing a new journal (whining).
13 years ago
*Holds forehead*
Meh, I'm not feeling so well today, I suppose I caught something going around, from others at school I'm assuming.
In this journal, I'll be ranting on current topics of my current standings with life.
-School--it's dragging on for what feels like forever. I wish it could be Spring Break already so I can lie down and not worry about tomorrow, or about assignments. Or about being around teenagers I dislike being around. My teachers are cranky and think I'm strange, as I get those vibes from them...
I notice my "friends" don't seem to pay much attention to me anymore. All my life though, I could never and still cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong .-.
Oh well, I suppose who notice me are the ones who genuinely like me and actually have a desire to play/hang out with me. If only school were out, I could avoid these people altogether and start my own life. Just over three more months though.
-Family--So, I guess my dad thinks that, even though I'm 18 years old, I still have to stay the weekends at his house with him against my will. I'm not exactly familiar with the divorced parent child custody laws, but I think that since I'm legally an adult, I can remain with my host parent if I so choose to. I don't hate my dad, but it's horribly boring there, and when he says that I have to go even if I don't want to, I kind of don't want to go even more so than before. I'd much rather chill out and relax in the comfort of my own bedroom on my weekends rather than share a cramped room with my younger sister who has a knack for driving me up the wall.
-Art--Ahhh, drawing, something I wish I had half the skill of those I know and don't know personally who draw. Haha, if anyone's read my last journal where I said some nonsense about drawing things and posting them up, then you might (or not) be disappointed, because I've had no inspiration to draw anything besides a few little doodles that I don't care to post, as they would likely catch no one's eyes. If my school would have let me take Art I last year, or maybe if my self-esteem was higher, then maybe I'd have a thing or two to show. Is it strange to have a burning desire to draw things I feel so passionately about, or just my own fursona? I mean, to be able to draw these things? Am I a lunatic or psychotic to lose all of my self-esteem over my mind telling itself that it cannot draw semi-decent art, or do much of anything at all? Sometimes I feel like a complete loser because I feel I do not possess the ability to even sketch out things that I visualize in my mind. I can mentally visualize something, like a posing character or a scene, and I can plop my rear down in front of my sketchbook, and I can even put a #2 Ticonderoga pencil in my paw. However, there is some sort of obstruction blocking my paw from being able to transcribe
those thoughts and ideas from entering the paper. I believe it could be a de-motive from my mind telling myself that I cannot do it, or that it could be my feelings disallowing me to express my feelings in the forms of graphite images.
Somewhat more rationally, I believe this is all a matter of my lack of a tutor or teacher whom could teach me basics of sketching, and that it could be my lack of belief in myself, and even embarrassment of having my work seen by others who'd criticize it. I feel embarrassed even when no one but I is around, so I always end up erasing out anything I attempt. An envy of practiced artists who have training and/or natural talent does not help my self-esteem either.
I feel as if my value as a furry itself is only as good as the dedication I feel I ought to express through art. This isn't a good combination, as since I believe that I possess no value of artistic skill, creativity, or mental visualization, that I have no value as a living creature, and therefore, have no purpose to exist.
I hate to end things on bad notes, sooooooo...
*BIG HUGS* And happy face! ^.^
If anyone who's read this far has any advice on anything I've ranted about above, feel free to help me out, as it'd be much appreciated. Otherwise, I'll figure something out myself, eventually. That, or my soul will wander eternally in search of the answers I've sought for what feels like forever.
Meh, I'm not feeling so well today, I suppose I caught something going around, from others at school I'm assuming.
In this journal, I'll be ranting on current topics of my current standings with life.
-School--it's dragging on for what feels like forever. I wish it could be Spring Break already so I can lie down and not worry about tomorrow, or about assignments. Or about being around teenagers I dislike being around. My teachers are cranky and think I'm strange, as I get those vibes from them...
I notice my "friends" don't seem to pay much attention to me anymore. All my life though, I could never and still cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong .-.
Oh well, I suppose who notice me are the ones who genuinely like me and actually have a desire to play/hang out with me. If only school were out, I could avoid these people altogether and start my own life. Just over three more months though.
-Family--So, I guess my dad thinks that, even though I'm 18 years old, I still have to stay the weekends at his house with him against my will. I'm not exactly familiar with the divorced parent child custody laws, but I think that since I'm legally an adult, I can remain with my host parent if I so choose to. I don't hate my dad, but it's horribly boring there, and when he says that I have to go even if I don't want to, I kind of don't want to go even more so than before. I'd much rather chill out and relax in the comfort of my own bedroom on my weekends rather than share a cramped room with my younger sister who has a knack for driving me up the wall.
-Art--Ahhh, drawing, something I wish I had half the skill of those I know and don't know personally who draw. Haha, if anyone's read my last journal where I said some nonsense about drawing things and posting them up, then you might (or not) be disappointed, because I've had no inspiration to draw anything besides a few little doodles that I don't care to post, as they would likely catch no one's eyes. If my school would have let me take Art I last year, or maybe if my self-esteem was higher, then maybe I'd have a thing or two to show. Is it strange to have a burning desire to draw things I feel so passionately about, or just my own fursona? I mean, to be able to draw these things? Am I a lunatic or psychotic to lose all of my self-esteem over my mind telling itself that it cannot draw semi-decent art, or do much of anything at all? Sometimes I feel like a complete loser because I feel I do not possess the ability to even sketch out things that I visualize in my mind. I can mentally visualize something, like a posing character or a scene, and I can plop my rear down in front of my sketchbook, and I can even put a #2 Ticonderoga pencil in my paw. However, there is some sort of obstruction blocking my paw from being able to transcribe
those thoughts and ideas from entering the paper. I believe it could be a de-motive from my mind telling myself that I cannot do it, or that it could be my feelings disallowing me to express my feelings in the forms of graphite images.
Somewhat more rationally, I believe this is all a matter of my lack of a tutor or teacher whom could teach me basics of sketching, and that it could be my lack of belief in myself, and even embarrassment of having my work seen by others who'd criticize it. I feel embarrassed even when no one but I is around, so I always end up erasing out anything I attempt. An envy of practiced artists who have training and/or natural talent does not help my self-esteem either.
I feel as if my value as a furry itself is only as good as the dedication I feel I ought to express through art. This isn't a good combination, as since I believe that I possess no value of artistic skill, creativity, or mental visualization, that I have no value as a living creature, and therefore, have no purpose to exist.
I hate to end things on bad notes, sooooooo...
*BIG HUGS* And happy face! ^.^
If anyone who's read this far has any advice on anything I've ranted about above, feel free to help me out, as it'd be much appreciated. Otherwise, I'll figure something out myself, eventually. That, or my soul will wander eternally in search of the answers I've sought for what feels like forever.
