FA+
Shop
I hate thinking things through.
14 years ago
General
There are times when it's late at night, I'm off my sleep schedule and I do nothing but think. It's times like that that I hate the most.
My closest friends know that I'm a pessimist at heart. Doesn't mean I'm sad or some goth that talks about how horrible the world is, and I can be quite happy despite my pessimism. I've even been called a 'happy pessimist', quite content at seeing the half-empty glass and enjoying what little there is left to drink.
But I do see and think the bad things more clearly than the good. And it's hard to ignore it. An example would be when people tell me things.
A case worker says "Ok, this test is done. Once I read through it, I'll give you a call in say, a week, and we'll continue." and my mind says "Yeah right. More like six months."
At least it comes as no surprise when I don't hear from her for months.
Or when a friend rarely comes over to hang out. After having not seen him in a year, he tells me he'll come over more often because he does enjoy hanging out with me. My mind says "Right. See you next year buddy."
At least it's not much of a disappointment when I don't hear from him.
I've lived this way for most of my life.
Being disappointed in co-workers and my bosses.
Before that, friends I've made via the net.
Before that, friends and bullies in school.
Even teachers I couldn't count on.
All the way back to when I was a real little kid, my dad telling me despite getting straight A's in the second grade and winning my third 'Student of the Month' in a row that I 'wasn't worth shit'.
That same year I was nearly molested by two different adults. I'm just lucky that they weren't able to.
I learned that I couldn't trust people. A person, yeah, I can if they've done things that prove they can be trusted, but as a general rule people as a whole can't be trusted.
Over the years that distrust grew and expanded, turning me into a borderline misanthrope. It's something I don't talk about much, if at all.
But I try to carry on. At least I can ignore much of it when I'm not alone with only my thoughts to keep me company.
It gets harder when things hit closer to home. Like last night, a friend told me that certain people need to be slapped. Why? Because they enjoy a cartoon and wear its message like a fad. When you have wars, hatred, racism, slavery, everything that makes humans the wicked horrible monsters we can be how can a stupid naive premise such as 'friendship' change anything?
In the back of my mind I say 'It can't.' and I sit here all night thinking it over. What people do to others. What people have done to me. What I've done to other people. The things that have happened throughout history, to the things that happen in the present day, it just makes me see things in a darker and darker light. And what happens around me just makes it even harder to see things differently.
My friend is right though. People need to be slapped. Myself just as hard as the rest of them.
My closest friends know that I'm a pessimist at heart. Doesn't mean I'm sad or some goth that talks about how horrible the world is, and I can be quite happy despite my pessimism. I've even been called a 'happy pessimist', quite content at seeing the half-empty glass and enjoying what little there is left to drink.
But I do see and think the bad things more clearly than the good. And it's hard to ignore it. An example would be when people tell me things.
A case worker says "Ok, this test is done. Once I read through it, I'll give you a call in say, a week, and we'll continue." and my mind says "Yeah right. More like six months."
At least it comes as no surprise when I don't hear from her for months.
Or when a friend rarely comes over to hang out. After having not seen him in a year, he tells me he'll come over more often because he does enjoy hanging out with me. My mind says "Right. See you next year buddy."
At least it's not much of a disappointment when I don't hear from him.
I've lived this way for most of my life.
Being disappointed in co-workers and my bosses.
Before that, friends I've made via the net.
Before that, friends and bullies in school.
Even teachers I couldn't count on.
All the way back to when I was a real little kid, my dad telling me despite getting straight A's in the second grade and winning my third 'Student of the Month' in a row that I 'wasn't worth shit'.
That same year I was nearly molested by two different adults. I'm just lucky that they weren't able to.
I learned that I couldn't trust people. A person, yeah, I can if they've done things that prove they can be trusted, but as a general rule people as a whole can't be trusted.
Over the years that distrust grew and expanded, turning me into a borderline misanthrope. It's something I don't talk about much, if at all.
But I try to carry on. At least I can ignore much of it when I'm not alone with only my thoughts to keep me company.
It gets harder when things hit closer to home. Like last night, a friend told me that certain people need to be slapped. Why? Because they enjoy a cartoon and wear its message like a fad. When you have wars, hatred, racism, slavery, everything that makes humans the wicked horrible monsters we can be how can a stupid naive premise such as 'friendship' change anything?
In the back of my mind I say 'It can't.' and I sit here all night thinking it over. What people do to others. What people have done to me. What I've done to other people. The things that have happened throughout history, to the things that happen in the present day, it just makes me see things in a darker and darker light. And what happens around me just makes it even harder to see things differently.
My friend is right though. People need to be slapped. Myself just as hard as the rest of them.
What I went through is probably nowhere near what you've been through, but I'd like to think that I know first-hand of just how big of jerks people can be and a great many of them do need a good swift kick in the butt, but trust me when I say this: You are NOT one of those people! In fact, you are easily one of the nicest people that I know.