you know it has been a little wile since i have wrote something here from the heart and well hear it is.right now i feel the lowest i have in months my mentle heath is not good but when has that changed in the last 12years. right now i feel like just throwing every thing i own away it that means moving out of this town, it may not be as far away from things as some people that i know but it feels much further. i don't drive i don't drink or smoke eather, but lately i been craving a smoke as i been around smokers all my life. i started looking at other apartments in Ottawa but there to expensive. ha what am i saying there no point going there eather i bet my life that if i did move there my friends still would not come to visit me. meh... at this point i literally don't know what to do, i should be happy im going to my first convetion this week im to te point i dont give a shit about the money. i really really wanted to go to ac insted so i could see some one that means the world to me, hell i was will to sleep on the street if it ment i could see him but all i got was a tung lashon on (how i felt it was said) why spend the money to go and then sleep on the street its a stupid idea. now that is not how it was said at all but that is how it felt to me. during the time i was writing this i could barly see any more so i left the room and wet to my bed and even thought now it is 3:44am and i started this around 8:something pm i dont feel any different.