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Emo journal is emo
13 years ago
Warning: Don't read if you hate the emoness.
Today I realized something. Well, tonight actually, but that doesn't really make a difference.
I'm a totally different person than I used to be, I don't know when that change happened. Now, see, of course you're going "Well, no shit, Jazz. People change all the time, they're doing it constantly." I know that, ok? I KNOW. It's just. *sighs*
I used to be one of those people that were more inwardly drawn than outward. You gave me a book and a sketch pad, put me in a room by myself, and I"d be perfectly fine. Hell, even take away the book and sketch pad, and I'd still be ok. Silence was a friend to me. A very good one, actually, considering what my family situation was back then. It used comforting to be by myself and just listen to my fans move air.
Somewhere, though, between then and now, I've become more outwardly drawn. Less of the quiet, shy nerd who stumbled over her own words when spoken to, to more of a funny, loveable nerd who could speak her mind and even joke around with strangers, word stumbling or not. This, I have no problem with. Really, I don't. I enjoy talking with others, I enjoy making others laugh and making them smile, friends or not.
Well then, you might be wondering, what IS my problem?
My problem is that I've gotten used to people being AROUND me A LOT. So much so that when I'm alone for a few hours, I become very lonely. Upsettingly so, even. THAT is my problem. When did I become so dependent on the attention of others? Especially when it came to the people I care about. When did the silence of my own bedroom become so lonely and even kind of scary? I'm actually feeling so nervous about going to bed by myself tonight (I usually fall asleep to my boyfriend snoring away on skype), that I keep checking my doors and windows to make sure they're locked. I'm even thinking of locking my bedroom door. Like anyone would want to break into MY apartment. Pfff. What the fuck is WRONG with me?
When did I become so...needy and clingy? The two things I said I'd NEVER become. When did the peaceful silence become a scary and enstranged thing?
I don't want to change back to the person I was before, I DON'T. Like I said, I enjoy having others around me, making them laugh and smile, making their day brighter. I just... I want to be perfectly fine to be by myself again. I don't want to be so lonely when I'm by myself for too long. I don't want to be so clingy anymore...
*sighs, locks her door, and curls up*
Peace, ya'll,
The Emo Jazzy
/emo journal over
Today I realized something. Well, tonight actually, but that doesn't really make a difference.
I'm a totally different person than I used to be, I don't know when that change happened. Now, see, of course you're going "Well, no shit, Jazz. People change all the time, they're doing it constantly." I know that, ok? I KNOW. It's just. *sighs*
I used to be one of those people that were more inwardly drawn than outward. You gave me a book and a sketch pad, put me in a room by myself, and I"d be perfectly fine. Hell, even take away the book and sketch pad, and I'd still be ok. Silence was a friend to me. A very good one, actually, considering what my family situation was back then. It used comforting to be by myself and just listen to my fans move air.
Somewhere, though, between then and now, I've become more outwardly drawn. Less of the quiet, shy nerd who stumbled over her own words when spoken to, to more of a funny, loveable nerd who could speak her mind and even joke around with strangers, word stumbling or not. This, I have no problem with. Really, I don't. I enjoy talking with others, I enjoy making others laugh and making them smile, friends or not.
Well then, you might be wondering, what IS my problem?
My problem is that I've gotten used to people being AROUND me A LOT. So much so that when I'm alone for a few hours, I become very lonely. Upsettingly so, even. THAT is my problem. When did I become so dependent on the attention of others? Especially when it came to the people I care about. When did the silence of my own bedroom become so lonely and even kind of scary? I'm actually feeling so nervous about going to bed by myself tonight (I usually fall asleep to my boyfriend snoring away on skype), that I keep checking my doors and windows to make sure they're locked. I'm even thinking of locking my bedroom door. Like anyone would want to break into MY apartment. Pfff. What the fuck is WRONG with me?
When did I become so...needy and clingy? The two things I said I'd NEVER become. When did the peaceful silence become a scary and enstranged thing?
I don't want to change back to the person I was before, I DON'T. Like I said, I enjoy having others around me, making them laugh and smile, making their day brighter. I just... I want to be perfectly fine to be by myself again. I don't want to be so lonely when I'm by myself for too long. I don't want to be so clingy anymore...
*sighs, locks her door, and curls up*
Peace, ya'll,
The Emo Jazzy
/emo journal over
I know how you feel, and it's not that a great of feeling, knowing that you're changing. ;-;
But it'll all be alright. <3
I like having others around me too, and I get lonely and upset if I'm home alone. Hell, I even get lonely when I go to bed without the T.V. turned on. ; n; But everyone's clingy at some point.
*start crying if I get too lonely
:V *facepaws*
There are plenty of nights when I'm freaking out, whether it's from watching a scary movie or just from being lonely. I'll grab my cat and we'll curl up and go to sleep together. It's really soothing.
Problem with this is: My grandparents hate cats. With a passion. Plus we don't know if we have to pay extra for me to have a pet, PLUS our money is kind of tight. But I've been wanting one for a while, but for now, they're paying for my bills due to recently lack of job, thus, they have a say over if I have a pet or not in the apartment.
*sad face*
/sigh
Hopefully you can save up for that.
Also, if you do end up getting one, I'd recommend a rescue. This way you won't have to train them the way you do a kitten, and you usually get a good idea of their temperament more quickly. They're either free or have a very modest fee of you get them from an aspca, and already have shots and are fixed, which can be a HUGE money issue for a kitten.
Doubtful that my grandfather would like the idea of me getting a pet, since the last time I said anything about having anxiety issues, he offered to buy me a gun. *facepaws* Let's just say that having a weapon in my home that can be turned against me in a second is NOT a comforting idea. Explained it to him, and it didn't seem to sink in for him. =w=;;