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Re-coming Out
14 years ago
General
Way back in January, I re-came out to my brother. See, I came out to him when I was eighteen, but never really talked about it again until just recently. It was after spending a night at a guy's house. I was driving my brother home from his girlfriend's place when he asked whose house I'd been at.
"I've, uh, been seeing another young man lately."
"...Oh."
And that was it. "Oh" is barely a word, but that's all I got out of him. And again, we didn't speak about it for a while. I only brought it up again last week. I don't even remember how I segued into the topic, but I mentioned how he was obviously off-put by it.
My brother told me he was surprised that I'm still bisexual. He thought, back then, my sexuality was merely circumstantial because I had a prospective long-distance male partner. He assumed after that ended, I changed to straight—basically subscribing to the same "it's a phase" bullshit brush-off that my mom used on me when I was nineteen.
I insisted that I am indeed bisexual. He's straight, but if he went a while without dating another girl, I wouldn't presume him to suddenly be asexual. Why should people assume that my sexual orientation is some fluctuating or illegitimate identity? I am bi. I like men and I like women! Just because I get into a monogamous relationship with a person of one gender does not mean I lose my appreciation for the other. Same with being single for a long time.
And this is why I never really talked to him about this sort of stuff. The vibes I got were right. He's not comfortable with it. He insists that he doesn't mind gay people (and I guess I'm supposed I'm covered by that umbrella term), but he made mention how he'd find it weird to see two dudes kiss. It's not like you have to find it hot, c'mon, but at least tolerate it. How can I comfortably discuss my love life with him?
He and I also got into a debate about his use of the term "gay" as an insult; like, "oh that's so gay." He was playing TF2 at the time, and I overheard him say it on the mic several times. He insisted it wasn't a big deal, which is a stance I once held too, but I've changed my opinion since. He said it was like on that episode of South Park, "The F Word," where they reclaimed the term "fag" to describe obnoxious bikers, as it's been an ever-evolving word with many different definitions. I asserted that it was not the same. "Gay" is a widely-accepted term to describe homosexuality, whereas "fag" is an insulting slur. When people ask your sexual orientation, you don't reply, "faggot."
He tried to dismiss my stance as, "You're only saying that because you've been hanging out with gay people lately." No. The reason I've taken a dislike to the term "gay" as an insult is because it's synonymous with homosexuality, and thus using it in a negative connotation creates a subtle association that gay = bad. Queer people still face a lot of prejudice in society; eliminating a childish insult like that ought to do a small part in creating a more accepting mindset in people.
Bi people get their own challenges that come with biphobia, but we also get all the fun of homophobia. You think if I'm out, holding hands with another guy, some homophobe is going to take the time to inquire about whether I'm gay or bi before passing judgement on me? Hell no. I'm gonna be presumed to be gay, or just anything but straight, and get all the hate that comes with it. This crap directly affects my ability to just be myself, without guilt, shame, or ridicule.
I haven't felt like I can openly be myself. There is my cousin who I've opened up to, as of recently, but she's hardly around; and by her TMI inquiries, I kind of get the vibe that she thinks of it as something of a novelty. I admitted to my brother, for reasons like that, and without anyone in the family to talk to about my sexuality, I've felt very alone for a long time.
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want out. I want to be myself, without guilt, without shame, and without ridicule.
"I've, uh, been seeing another young man lately."
"...Oh."
And that was it. "Oh" is barely a word, but that's all I got out of him. And again, we didn't speak about it for a while. I only brought it up again last week. I don't even remember how I segued into the topic, but I mentioned how he was obviously off-put by it.
My brother told me he was surprised that I'm still bisexual. He thought, back then, my sexuality was merely circumstantial because I had a prospective long-distance male partner. He assumed after that ended, I changed to straight—basically subscribing to the same "it's a phase" bullshit brush-off that my mom used on me when I was nineteen.
I insisted that I am indeed bisexual. He's straight, but if he went a while without dating another girl, I wouldn't presume him to suddenly be asexual. Why should people assume that my sexual orientation is some fluctuating or illegitimate identity? I am bi. I like men and I like women! Just because I get into a monogamous relationship with a person of one gender does not mean I lose my appreciation for the other. Same with being single for a long time.
And this is why I never really talked to him about this sort of stuff. The vibes I got were right. He's not comfortable with it. He insists that he doesn't mind gay people (and I guess I'm supposed I'm covered by that umbrella term), but he made mention how he'd find it weird to see two dudes kiss. It's not like you have to find it hot, c'mon, but at least tolerate it. How can I comfortably discuss my love life with him?
He and I also got into a debate about his use of the term "gay" as an insult; like, "oh that's so gay." He was playing TF2 at the time, and I overheard him say it on the mic several times. He insisted it wasn't a big deal, which is a stance I once held too, but I've changed my opinion since. He said it was like on that episode of South Park, "The F Word," where they reclaimed the term "fag" to describe obnoxious bikers, as it's been an ever-evolving word with many different definitions. I asserted that it was not the same. "Gay" is a widely-accepted term to describe homosexuality, whereas "fag" is an insulting slur. When people ask your sexual orientation, you don't reply, "faggot."
He tried to dismiss my stance as, "You're only saying that because you've been hanging out with gay people lately." No. The reason I've taken a dislike to the term "gay" as an insult is because it's synonymous with homosexuality, and thus using it in a negative connotation creates a subtle association that gay = bad. Queer people still face a lot of prejudice in society; eliminating a childish insult like that ought to do a small part in creating a more accepting mindset in people.
Bi people get their own challenges that come with biphobia, but we also get all the fun of homophobia. You think if I'm out, holding hands with another guy, some homophobe is going to take the time to inquire about whether I'm gay or bi before passing judgement on me? Hell no. I'm gonna be presumed to be gay, or just anything but straight, and get all the hate that comes with it. This crap directly affects my ability to just be myself, without guilt, shame, or ridicule.
I haven't felt like I can openly be myself. There is my cousin who I've opened up to, as of recently, but she's hardly around; and by her TMI inquiries, I kind of get the vibe that she thinks of it as something of a novelty. I admitted to my brother, for reasons like that, and without anyone in the family to talk to about my sexuality, I've felt very alone for a long time.
I don't want to be like that anymore. I want out. I want to be myself, without guilt, without shame, and without ridicule.
I completely understand the frustrations around being Bisexual since I am that way myself. My room mate said to me a little while ago that he thinks I can't be bi and must be gay because I have only been dating a guy lately. That severely frustrated me because I suddently feel that everyone thinks of Bisexuality as being with a guy and a girl at the same time. I mean I had recently seperated out of a marriage for 8 years with a female (on good terms mind you, it just wasn't working out) and suddently when I start dating a guy everyone suddently completely forgets that.
I'm upset that there are too many people out there who are homophobic and or don't believe that Bisexuality can really exist.
I'd offer more support but I don't think a complete stranger is much better a person to talk to than a homophobic family member :/
I, for one, feel everyone's entitled to whatever sexual preference they find suits them. Gay, bi, straight, asexual or whatever.. Only thing i have an issue with is beastuality(sic?) irl because the animal is not given a choice and many die due to sickos.
I don't really think bestiality counts as a sexual orientation, although I wouldn't be surprised if there were someone willing to play the devil's advocate on that one. Regardless, I don't respect it.
My brother isn't, like, hardcore homophobic. He's actually a decent guy, and I'm sure he means well. I just can't relate to him easily on topics like this.
It's really too bad that he can't have an open mind about it. I like to talk to people about orientation or culture or anything else I stand to learn about.
As for your brother thinking you'd come back to heterosexuality after dating a guy? That's just kinda silly of him. He probably just doesn't understand bisexuality/homosexuality very well. If he says he has nothing against them, maybe it's just a matter of time before he either gets curious and asks about it to help him understand or reads up on it. It can be uncomfortable for him since it's different and different is scary, so don't hold it against him. At least he isn't being a homophobe.
I disagree with your stance on the use of the term gay, but that's a personal opinion and neither of us is wrong for having it. To me, it isn't a big deal, because I used it in those ways LONG before it became synonymous with homosexuality. It was never really a true "insult" either, it was more of a synonym for other words. Saying "that's so stupid" or "that's so crazy" was the same as saying "that's so gay." It was a schoolyard insult. Childish. To me, the word "gay" has no connection to homosexuality even now. The only time gay means homosexual to me is when someone says "I'm gay." I do hate it when people are on XBOX and it's the only thing they say... it's like they don't know any other phrases (other than "suck my penis" and "I fucked your mom"), and that's just stupid. But honestly, fighting to get people not to use a word won't make anyone more accepting. Look at the word retarded. It became a big hullabaloo because people who "were" retarded were insulted that we used it. Do we accept them any more or less now? No... and some resent them even more because they made a mountain out of a molehill and how they want to be called "special" instead. Which only created MORE insults, since now I hear special used as a negative connotation sometimes like "well isn't that special."
I still use gay to mean happy, too... even though that's a little out-dated. The point is, I'm one of the most accepting people out there, and my use of certain words doesn't make me any more or less accepting of your lifestyle. Acceptance is a mindset, and trying to change/constrain what words someone can use won't change the mindset in a positive way. Haters will still be haters. All it really does is "turn off" previously-accepting "don't understand it but don't hate it" people who now think you're trying to censor them.
May just be my opinion, but there you have it. I do hope your brother gets curious enough to want to learn more about your sexuality and become more comfortable with discussing it... but these things take time.
I don't hold anything against my brother. He's a good guy. I just can't really open up to him about this sort of stuff.
I hope it all works out with you guys. =)
Even gays can find solace in each other, but oh man, so many gays are SO WEIRD about bisexuals, and it pisses me off too. So much for safe spaces. There's this thought that it's a noncommittal stance... but no, you do not have to only choose one gender.
Besides that, I do believe there's a scale of sexuality. Sorry you're running into this refusal to understand by those close to you, Ransom. It seems like extremes are easier for people to grasp, even if they hate that extreme.
I've seen the stigma associated with bisexuality -- that we're unfaithful, polygamous, sex fiends, incapable of being satisfied by one partner, just transitioning, just "bicurious." Even separate genders have their own stereotypes: bi men are seen to be gay, but keeping one foot in the closet, trying to hang on to straight privilege; whereas bi women are thought to just be experimenting, or trying to get the attention of men. It's a little baffling to see it come from homosexuals, when we're supposed to be on the same side, fighting for equality and acceptance. There is a B firmly planted in that LGBTQA-whatever ever-expanding acronym. We're all on the same team, aren't we?
It's like, sometimes I'm in the mood for a Coke, sometimes I want a Pepsi, but there's this mentality that exists with some people like, "YOU CAN'T DRINK BOTH! YOU CAN ONLY LIKE ONE!"
I wouldn't imagine it actually would matter to them anyway. They hate you for loving guys if you're a guy: it doesn't matter to them whether you also like girls.
Biphobia, especially in the wider gay community, always confused the hell out of me. It may be because I haven't had any sort of references in this, having only recently coming out to some of my family and friends and not having been in any relationships yet nor having had IRL contact with other gay men and women (all my interactions with the gay community have been online, as there really isn't any presence where I live that I'm aware of). At any rate, it seems bizarre to me that this sort of rejection of identity can happen in a community that was harangued themselves over the same issue.
If people want to argue that bisexuality doesn't exist, and that you gotta choose a side, I could just as easily turn the argument around and say bisexuality (or pansexuality, more aptly) is the only one that exists, and they're the ones in denial. I don't really believe that, but it makes (or lacks) just as much sense.
Sorry your finding the ability to relax and be comfortable with who you are challenged by all this bs, but I think theres already plenty of useful advice from the other posters. Basically All I can say is good luck man. Stay awesome.
In my view, love and let love. The rule is that whatever safe activity happens between consenting adults is A-OK. There. Is that so hard? For some it is. Attraction, like most of the emotions that come out of our weird simian brains, is complicated. There are a lot of factors that go into it and a lot of details can change it. Heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex only, and homosexuals are attracted to the same sex only, but between these two extremes of all-or-nothing is a whole gradient of preference that is as diverse in detail and scope as the flora of our world.
I've known people who experimented in college and found later they went exclusive. I've known people who always favored one, or the other. Most of of the people I know, though, and by that I mean greater than half of everyone I know well, lie somewhere between heterosexual and homosexual. You could call it a 90%/10% split in "X" case, but that doesn't do the intricacies justice. Sometimes it's the physical body that turns someone on, but sometimes its the personality; I know a self-identified lesbian who is currently in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. Does that make her a liar? Absolutely not. It means that all these terms we use are too narrow to fit the complexity of love and sexuality.
Whatever your sexual preferences, and however you want to identify them, are not something to judge you by. As a friend, if you're madly in love I'll listen to you gush about it and be happy for you regardless of anatomy. It's tempting to say "I don't care" to show that it isn't a big deal or influencing factor to me, but that would be incorrect. I do care. I care that my friends should be comfortable and happy in their relationships, and should never shy from showing who they are.
I'm more egalitarian than most with my views on sexual preference, but not everyone shares them. People's minds can be changed opened to new ideas, and maybe your brother just needs to become comfortable with the idea himself before he can listen.