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A Long Overdue Apology
13 years ago
General
You'd think that it'd be easy to say "I'm sorry" when you know you messed up, but there are times when those two words just wont cut it. This is one of those times for me.
A year ago I got a shot at something awesome, a chance to work with Bad Dragon, and a chance to work with some real professionals on the DJ circuits. Needless to say that in that time, I can painfully admit that I've lost myself along the way. Not in the hustle and bustle aspects, but losing the real reason why I do what I do, and the reasons behind it. I've made an ass of myself on stage, and on twitter, and even here on FA, and with my personal relationships I've made and fought for over the years. I won't go into too great of detail, but I became someone I wasn't and ended up hurting relationships with that.
A good friend brought this up to me recently, and going back I can see that they were absolutely right, i stopped doing it for me, and became who I "thought" people wanted me to be, which ended up making me an ego-centric asshole (some may not use those terms, but let's face it, with how I've been acting that's pretty accurate) The music I play, the friends I have, everything that makes me, ME has become muddled and lost in what I have been striving for. I blame that entirely on myself by over-thinking, and acting out before I considered the repercussions it might have on the people that matter to me.
I know I've been a prick and a brick-headed, not humble idiot, and for that I'm truly sorry, I wish I could say it in a better way or a more eloquent term. In all reality though, I've never really been about being elaborate or incredibly poetic. I've been rash, crude, ego driven, and lost sight of my friends, my supporters, and the people that even gave me the shots I've had in the first place, again I'm sorry.
You guys are who make me what I am and remind me what's important to not only myself, but to you guys as well, I want to go back to being the clumsy hoss who was doing his best as a dj for himself, and not anyone else. I let you guys down with that and I can't say that I'm sorry enough.
If you've read this through and are at this point, all I ask is that you give me a chance to be that person again, not who I am now. I don't like it, and I miss the friendships I've been able to have.
This isn't a way to cry for help, or a "woe is me" type journal, those of you who know me, know that I've always tried to stay away from dropping my personal issues on the people around me. This is me saying that I've fucked up, and I know I have and I want to try to make it right for all of you. I'm not a big shot, I'm not a super important guy, I'm just a humble hoss that makes dicks and wants to share his love of music with everyone.
That's who I am and that's who I want to be again
A year ago I got a shot at something awesome, a chance to work with Bad Dragon, and a chance to work with some real professionals on the DJ circuits. Needless to say that in that time, I can painfully admit that I've lost myself along the way. Not in the hustle and bustle aspects, but losing the real reason why I do what I do, and the reasons behind it. I've made an ass of myself on stage, and on twitter, and even here on FA, and with my personal relationships I've made and fought for over the years. I won't go into too great of detail, but I became someone I wasn't and ended up hurting relationships with that.
A good friend brought this up to me recently, and going back I can see that they were absolutely right, i stopped doing it for me, and became who I "thought" people wanted me to be, which ended up making me an ego-centric asshole (some may not use those terms, but let's face it, with how I've been acting that's pretty accurate) The music I play, the friends I have, everything that makes me, ME has become muddled and lost in what I have been striving for. I blame that entirely on myself by over-thinking, and acting out before I considered the repercussions it might have on the people that matter to me.
I know I've been a prick and a brick-headed, not humble idiot, and for that I'm truly sorry, I wish I could say it in a better way or a more eloquent term. In all reality though, I've never really been about being elaborate or incredibly poetic. I've been rash, crude, ego driven, and lost sight of my friends, my supporters, and the people that even gave me the shots I've had in the first place, again I'm sorry.
You guys are who make me what I am and remind me what's important to not only myself, but to you guys as well, I want to go back to being the clumsy hoss who was doing his best as a dj for himself, and not anyone else. I let you guys down with that and I can't say that I'm sorry enough.
If you've read this through and are at this point, all I ask is that you give me a chance to be that person again, not who I am now. I don't like it, and I miss the friendships I've been able to have.
This isn't a way to cry for help, or a "woe is me" type journal, those of you who know me, know that I've always tried to stay away from dropping my personal issues on the people around me. This is me saying that I've fucked up, and I know I have and I want to try to make it right for all of you. I'm not a big shot, I'm not a super important guy, I'm just a humble hoss that makes dicks and wants to share his love of music with everyone.
That's who I am and that's who I want to be again
I dont know you Ash, but you seem like a nice sort, I hope you find the "you" you are looking for :D
That being said, having the guts to write that and apologise so openly and honestly deserves a lot of respect and I hope anyone who reads this who has been affected by such issues gives you the chance to put things right. I know I would.
You will to friend. Enjoy life abd always make the most and appreciate those ypu share it with..good horse!
I'm just sorry we didn't get to hang out more at FI. Next time? :)
ours is not to judge, but to aid and understand. I'm just a phin and Nak's my orca and also my clydesdale, but we'll be glad to offer you a shoulder anytime:)
Either way, its not about what we observe so much as how you feel. If its niggling at you that you have lost your way, than its important for you to address that. Meandering from the path of ourselves lets us understand and see things we couldnt see from inside the forest (to use another metaphor). At the same time, there is a degree of self that guides our path so we need to listen to that too. Maybe its just all about balance.
*Its possible that my over exposure to a bunch of egos and divas early on (esp. in furry fandom when I was living elsewhere) AS WELL as meeting another furry "DJ" who was far more overinflated and not listening to his audience at all. Simply put, I have seen people that go beyond an occasional need to look out for #1, instead taking it waaayyy too far.
Good on you.
I saw you recently at FurIdaho, and you looked troubled despite the festivities surrounding you, quite the opposite of the first time we met. I see that you know what's going on and want to fix things. I can respect that. Now that you've laid out your words for all to see, hopefully the actions you take from here on will reflect them.
It's unfortunate, but sometimes it takes crashing and burning for us to surpass our former selves and become stronger. I have no idea what goes on in your day-to-day life, but it appears something of that nature has happened. Fortunately, you seem to be the sort that's not only able to get back up and keep going, but to take something away from that experience. Just remember the road you followed to get to this point, and know the direction you're traveling and the destination, and you will never become lost. :>