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State of the Tiger - 3/29/2012
13 years ago
I posted this on FaceBook yesterday, but, hell, it needs to go here, too:
This was going to be a post about where my head is currently. In fact, it still is, but I'm going to use it as my soap box to address something, too.
I grew up in Kankakee. It's a small city to begin with, and is even smaller when you're related to or your family knows half of the people there -- literally. Because of this, there was a lot of social pressure for me to do well and bring honor and pride to my family. I'm a Nelson; I take pride in that fact alone. My grandmother was a talented painter and I have several members of my family who have served in the various branches of the armed forces, either currently or in the past. So, there's a lot riding on my Family's name.
This is important to what I'm about to tell you. Several years ago, when I dated and subsequently had my first break-up, I plunged into what I now realize was depression. My grades fell and I struggled to keep up with my classwork. Where I once was in direct competition for the honor of being my Senior Class's Valedictorian, I dropped to being 9th in my class. Still in the top 5%, but still. My mother threatened to send me away to the Mental Ward at Riverside Hospital. This thought terrified me because of the stigma associated with it. Being admitted to the Mental Ward at a hospital would ruin any chances of having a decent future, I thought. So, through the support of my friends (mostly Kristina Beigh, Sarah Thomas, Kyle Hines, Nina Houston, and Derek Beigh), I got through it.
In 2006, when I had creditors calling constantly and stressing me out, I contemplated suicide. Killing myself would be the easy answer to a lot of problems. I had some very good friends and my boyfriend at the time (all of who are still friends with me today) pull me out of that, too.
Why am I telling you this? Wednesday morning, I sought counseling at the Ben Gordon Center. Monday morning, I hit a very hard, very tangible mental wall. I started having suicidal thoughts again and conveyed this to Brit. We talked about things (money was the straw that broke the camel's back) and I managed to stumble my way to work, though I honestly didn't want to be there. Tuesday was similar. No suicidal thoughts, but I basically stayed in the office, secluded from everyone with the exception of doing my required walks and bag checks. I cried off and on that night, many times for no discernible reason. During the counseling session, I was diagnosed with situational depression. I won't be in a state of constant "blah", for lack of better words, but it will come and go as Life rears its ugly head. I was provided several holistic treatment options (B-vitamins, spicy food, and socialization being ones I think will help me). And, honestly, after spending a little over an hour talking with a counselor, I did feel better. I still have a lot of issues to work out that deal directly with my fear of loss and abandonment, but I'm taking steps to rectify them.
So, about that soap box. There are multple points that I want to stress:
1. Black people. Stop telling your community members that they're going to hell or that they'll ruin their futures by seeking mental help. I honestly should have sought help a long time ago, but I didn't because of the attached stigmas. You want to do something to help? Find resources in your community. Whether it be through local health services, churches, or whatever, find safe places that ensure confidentiality. Gossip does nothing but further the hurt for the person who is dealing with issues.
2. If you have ANY thoughts of harming yourself, find a local mental health clinic and make a point of talking to them. In lieu of that, check this website (http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA) and reach out to someone. I lost a role model and one of my best friends to suicide. I know firsthand what the impact is. Those wounds still hurt.
3. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I'm stubborn and generally pretty strong. When I break, it causes a great deal of mental damage. Talk to someone. Journal. Pray to your deity of choice. Write to PostSecret (http://www.postsecret.com/). Whatever you do, don't hold it in.
4. It gets better. Seriously. It's not always easy and the solutions are rarely immediate, but things do get better.
This was going to be a post about where my head is currently. In fact, it still is, but I'm going to use it as my soap box to address something, too.
I grew up in Kankakee. It's a small city to begin with, and is even smaller when you're related to or your family knows half of the people there -- literally. Because of this, there was a lot of social pressure for me to do well and bring honor and pride to my family. I'm a Nelson; I take pride in that fact alone. My grandmother was a talented painter and I have several members of my family who have served in the various branches of the armed forces, either currently or in the past. So, there's a lot riding on my Family's name.
This is important to what I'm about to tell you. Several years ago, when I dated and subsequently had my first break-up, I plunged into what I now realize was depression. My grades fell and I struggled to keep up with my classwork. Where I once was in direct competition for the honor of being my Senior Class's Valedictorian, I dropped to being 9th in my class. Still in the top 5%, but still. My mother threatened to send me away to the Mental Ward at Riverside Hospital. This thought terrified me because of the stigma associated with it. Being admitted to the Mental Ward at a hospital would ruin any chances of having a decent future, I thought. So, through the support of my friends (mostly Kristina Beigh, Sarah Thomas, Kyle Hines, Nina Houston, and Derek Beigh), I got through it.
In 2006, when I had creditors calling constantly and stressing me out, I contemplated suicide. Killing myself would be the easy answer to a lot of problems. I had some very good friends and my boyfriend at the time (all of who are still friends with me today) pull me out of that, too.
Why am I telling you this? Wednesday morning, I sought counseling at the Ben Gordon Center. Monday morning, I hit a very hard, very tangible mental wall. I started having suicidal thoughts again and conveyed this to Brit. We talked about things (money was the straw that broke the camel's back) and I managed to stumble my way to work, though I honestly didn't want to be there. Tuesday was similar. No suicidal thoughts, but I basically stayed in the office, secluded from everyone with the exception of doing my required walks and bag checks. I cried off and on that night, many times for no discernible reason. During the counseling session, I was diagnosed with situational depression. I won't be in a state of constant "blah", for lack of better words, but it will come and go as Life rears its ugly head. I was provided several holistic treatment options (B-vitamins, spicy food, and socialization being ones I think will help me). And, honestly, after spending a little over an hour talking with a counselor, I did feel better. I still have a lot of issues to work out that deal directly with my fear of loss and abandonment, but I'm taking steps to rectify them.
So, about that soap box. There are multple points that I want to stress:
1. Black people. Stop telling your community members that they're going to hell or that they'll ruin their futures by seeking mental help. I honestly should have sought help a long time ago, but I didn't because of the attached stigmas. You want to do something to help? Find resources in your community. Whether it be through local health services, churches, or whatever, find safe places that ensure confidentiality. Gossip does nothing but further the hurt for the person who is dealing with issues.
2. If you have ANY thoughts of harming yourself, find a local mental health clinic and make a point of talking to them. In lieu of that, check this website (http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA) and reach out to someone. I lost a role model and one of my best friends to suicide. I know firsthand what the impact is. Those wounds still hurt.
3. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I'm stubborn and generally pretty strong. When I break, it causes a great deal of mental damage. Talk to someone. Journal. Pray to your deity of choice. Write to PostSecret (http://www.postsecret.com/). Whatever you do, don't hold it in.
4. It gets better. Seriously. It's not always easy and the solutions are rarely immediate, but things do get better.
One more thing: people who are incredibly brilliant and have deep souls with lots of love go to the edge. You are truly a lovely person who deserves much, much better.