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I am not a social person.
13 years ago
General
I had the uncomfortable breakdown perhaps only a few hours ago, and the ultimate conclusion that I am not of the personality to go to parties. I was only a few minitues into the 'how ya do' portion of a get together when I pretty much just collapsed in on myself. It all came to an end when a conversation hit an awkward silence and the other party simply walked away and into another group.
My roomate was nice enough to drive me home and in the car I pretty much broke down into tears. The truth came out of me with a speed that bothered me. Since I was young I survived an emotionally abusive household by always being able to read my parents faces. They were capricious in their parenthood, sometimes supportive and sometimes far more childish than me. On some weekends they would walk into my room and make me decide who had cheated on whom the most. Back to the point. I've tried to disprove the fact I can read faces as well as I can, but every time I tried to delude myself I only ended getting hurt. Once I was even sexually taken advantage of, it was semi consensual so I only feel dirty and not traumatized. Anyway, I'm just more sensitive, perhaps still more paranoid, of negative feelings than most. In very small groups I can stand the chance of actually getting ot know a person, to really connect. Superficial relationships do absolutely nothing for me, if anything they put me on edge far more than any group of shady strangers could. I'd feel more comfortable ear a single insane homeless man than a group of people whom I have a chance to either respect or despise, depending on the conclusions.
I'm sorry if I left any awkwardness at the party I just attended, I'm very sorry to everyone involved. I just don't think making friends in large groups is at all good for me. Some wounds never heal, that's a hard adult fact you have to accept sometimes. I'm okay If I can truly get to know you, or kindly say I don't care to without the complex web of friendships and inner-relationship politics tangling around me like a hapless fly. I'm sure everyone I've talked to is a wonderful person and I mean that sincerely.
I should feel depressed right now and I was on the way from the party, but as I accept myself for what I am; I'm at least a little at peace with the truth. Just, don't look for me at Social functions anytime soon.
My roomate was nice enough to drive me home and in the car I pretty much broke down into tears. The truth came out of me with a speed that bothered me. Since I was young I survived an emotionally abusive household by always being able to read my parents faces. They were capricious in their parenthood, sometimes supportive and sometimes far more childish than me. On some weekends they would walk into my room and make me decide who had cheated on whom the most. Back to the point. I've tried to disprove the fact I can read faces as well as I can, but every time I tried to delude myself I only ended getting hurt. Once I was even sexually taken advantage of, it was semi consensual so I only feel dirty and not traumatized. Anyway, I'm just more sensitive, perhaps still more paranoid, of negative feelings than most. In very small groups I can stand the chance of actually getting ot know a person, to really connect. Superficial relationships do absolutely nothing for me, if anything they put me on edge far more than any group of shady strangers could. I'd feel more comfortable ear a single insane homeless man than a group of people whom I have a chance to either respect or despise, depending on the conclusions.
I'm sorry if I left any awkwardness at the party I just attended, I'm very sorry to everyone involved. I just don't think making friends in large groups is at all good for me. Some wounds never heal, that's a hard adult fact you have to accept sometimes. I'm okay If I can truly get to know you, or kindly say I don't care to without the complex web of friendships and inner-relationship politics tangling around me like a hapless fly. I'm sure everyone I've talked to is a wonderful person and I mean that sincerely.
I should feel depressed right now and I was on the way from the party, but as I accept myself for what I am; I'm at least a little at peace with the truth. Just, don't look for me at Social functions anytime soon.
I mind my manners and I stick to myself. A quiet gentleman with little to say or interest in conversation.
In my wilder days I fancied myself a poet. But I put that life behind me.
"To thine own self be true."
Though that line requires a small annotation:
In context, it means, to thine own self, keep your own debts, true. As in, keep yourself without owing or owed money.
The sentiment is still sweet though.
I also read people's faces. Though, I don't assume that anything I observe is fact. In my mind, there is a direct and obvious line between fact, and speculation. I learned this through part trial and error, and part having to write detailed factual accounts.
What I think may help you though... is realize... you don't HAVE to say anything. If the conversation goes dead, you can simply say, "well, it was very nice to meet you" and excuse yourself.
Another thing to note, is that no matter what you believe you see in someone's face, you don't know for a fact why you see it, or what it means. If you are not willing to question the person directly about it, it's best to simply consider it an observation not worth considering. IE. Don't stress about it. If it's not important enough to address... you can probably ignore it. It may have nothing to do with you.
Maybe they farted and are hoping you didn't notice ^^
feel better
I'm feeling better now that I'm not in the crowd, and it's nice to know there are others like me out there.