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Noble or Foolish
13 years ago
General
*stretches* ~prepare for semi-rant update info something here...~
wow, a lot of time has yet again since my last updated journal here on FA and I honestly dont know where to begin but this is the major info that is going on.
For the past couple weeks and maybe even couple months, there have been changes here and there ever since we started living here in St. Louis that started out real rough and rocky that turned better and better as time went on. E has been working extremely hard for his promotion and as life would have in store for him, he will be taking his promotion tests really soon and he will actually be getting his own store much FASTER than anyone else in his area ever before (record breaking even) so within the next 6-8 months, he will actually have his own store that he's been working hard for.
On my side, I've been working both Petco and Bad Dog Bar and Grill in St. Louis to help out both businesses and also help my wallet at the same time. Only recently, the past 2 weeks or so, with the summer weather finally rolling in, I hope that the chance of actually scoring a better job comes in and I can better my wallet and mental state when it comes to finances. Bills are paid, dogs have food, I have a roof over my head with my mate, we have food to eat (whether going out or in the fridge), and as fine as that is, It doesnt leave me with much on my end to do the things I wanna do for myself to treat myself for my own hard work. Simple things like a beer here and there is doable but when it comes to $40 meals, when going out, thats quite a chunk I wish I didnt have to spend but I do it anyway so I can pitch in some way for myself and E.
Given the little background information on this, the reason I called this journal 'Noble or Foolish' is because I dont know whether or not my actions reflect those two words. Maybe in some sense, they're the same thing, or maybe they're two different roads that I will subconsciously make a choice to walk only one of em...
~~~~~~~~~~~THIS SECTION OF THE JOURNAL IS COMPLETE HONESTY~~~~~~~~~
Everyone who truly knows me knows I am a very deep-thinking type of person. I make sure my actions and beliefs always look out for the best for Matsi and I and make sure that I dont hurt anyone in the process of my life travels and others. By getting emotionally involved with my mate have I found out what it really feels like to have someone who IS there, someone who IS there to listen, someone who IS there to see things through the end, EVEN WHEN my horrible moody moments, I feel, would tear us apart. Despite my dark moments of pushing everyone and everything away, he is still there to see through the darkness and find me in it. I am so pleased and blessed to have found a loving, committed, and honest partner as himself. E has shown a vast amount of noble partnership, and he even has foolish moments like everyone else but it does not compare to how amazing he is. Going back to my original sentence, I am finding that my life of solidarity is diminishing away because I can see an actual future with him...
(This is where it gets tricky now and falls in line with my 'Noble or Foolish' header)
As I see E working hard, and I mean HARD, I see that his efforts are coming through and within months he's going to have what he's been working for. On another perspective though, I am working in a city with very high unemployment rates for 'kids' around my age who are having an extremely hard time trying to get on their feet here as is. Generally, I am turned down jobs because I'm over-employed, and theres other places where I dont meet credentials, and to do that I need to go to school, which means I need money to do that!!! So most of you can already see the horrible circle this can cause on people and it fuckin sucks, I'm not gonna lie. To work 2 jobs and still barely make it is a horrible way to remind yourself that this is how its gotta be until something better comes on by...
While I'm trying to maintain myself in the present, it doesnt really build up a good future because I have nothing saved up in my name to contribute for our Colorado move, or wherever we do decide on going, in the future. What E can save up for himself in months can potentially take me years to do if things stay the same as they are...and that in itself is not fair. Despite me doing a lot of the house work between the both of us so our living lifestyle wouldnt be 'furry filthy' per se, it doesnt actually put money in my wallet, so even though I know efforts help in the present, to some degree, it doesnt help in the long-run.
Part of me feels that it's 'foolish' to work to get nowhere and the other part of me feels that its 'noble' to stay here, not give up, and see if things do work out. I mean, on average, I use to move around every 8 months, but here I am in St. Louis (of all places) for 2 years+. OBVIOUSLY, to some degree, I am showing some kind of nobility here.
BUT...
to what level can I actually stay here and 'hope' things will get better. I guess pessimism is speaking mainly here, but in my mind I am maintaining what it is I have, only to be paid and have it all go away in large chunks, and whatever I have left is spent on groceries, dinners, bills, and whatever I treat myself to every now and then, and Then back to square one. In my mind 'how can I build a future, if my present is already hard to handle as is. Especially for a significant lover'.
Ive been told to go back and work a better paying job in CA and just meet E again at some point but I honestly dont want to do that because I know I emotionally cant handle another long distance relationship. If I'm gone, I'm gone. As 'simple' as that idea sounds, theres nothing simple about it. At the same time, the more I stay here in 'Misery' it feels more and more like it as the years go on by...
So I am still looking for better work, I decided to stay here with E and his woof cause I told myself that 'I'm not leaving here without him' and I will keep doing what it is I am doing until something does happen...
So I ask you. Noble or Foolish?...
wow, a lot of time has yet again since my last updated journal here on FA and I honestly dont know where to begin but this is the major info that is going on.
For the past couple weeks and maybe even couple months, there have been changes here and there ever since we started living here in St. Louis that started out real rough and rocky that turned better and better as time went on. E has been working extremely hard for his promotion and as life would have in store for him, he will be taking his promotion tests really soon and he will actually be getting his own store much FASTER than anyone else in his area ever before (record breaking even) so within the next 6-8 months, he will actually have his own store that he's been working hard for.
On my side, I've been working both Petco and Bad Dog Bar and Grill in St. Louis to help out both businesses and also help my wallet at the same time. Only recently, the past 2 weeks or so, with the summer weather finally rolling in, I hope that the chance of actually scoring a better job comes in and I can better my wallet and mental state when it comes to finances. Bills are paid, dogs have food, I have a roof over my head with my mate, we have food to eat (whether going out or in the fridge), and as fine as that is, It doesnt leave me with much on my end to do the things I wanna do for myself to treat myself for my own hard work. Simple things like a beer here and there is doable but when it comes to $40 meals, when going out, thats quite a chunk I wish I didnt have to spend but I do it anyway so I can pitch in some way for myself and E.
Given the little background information on this, the reason I called this journal 'Noble or Foolish' is because I dont know whether or not my actions reflect those two words. Maybe in some sense, they're the same thing, or maybe they're two different roads that I will subconsciously make a choice to walk only one of em...
~~~~~~~~~~~THIS SECTION OF THE JOURNAL IS COMPLETE HONESTY~~~~~~~~~
Everyone who truly knows me knows I am a very deep-thinking type of person. I make sure my actions and beliefs always look out for the best for Matsi and I and make sure that I dont hurt anyone in the process of my life travels and others. By getting emotionally involved with my mate have I found out what it really feels like to have someone who IS there, someone who IS there to listen, someone who IS there to see things through the end, EVEN WHEN my horrible moody moments, I feel, would tear us apart. Despite my dark moments of pushing everyone and everything away, he is still there to see through the darkness and find me in it. I am so pleased and blessed to have found a loving, committed, and honest partner as himself. E has shown a vast amount of noble partnership, and he even has foolish moments like everyone else but it does not compare to how amazing he is. Going back to my original sentence, I am finding that my life of solidarity is diminishing away because I can see an actual future with him...
(This is where it gets tricky now and falls in line with my 'Noble or Foolish' header)
As I see E working hard, and I mean HARD, I see that his efforts are coming through and within months he's going to have what he's been working for. On another perspective though, I am working in a city with very high unemployment rates for 'kids' around my age who are having an extremely hard time trying to get on their feet here as is. Generally, I am turned down jobs because I'm over-employed, and theres other places where I dont meet credentials, and to do that I need to go to school, which means I need money to do that!!! So most of you can already see the horrible circle this can cause on people and it fuckin sucks, I'm not gonna lie. To work 2 jobs and still barely make it is a horrible way to remind yourself that this is how its gotta be until something better comes on by...
While I'm trying to maintain myself in the present, it doesnt really build up a good future because I have nothing saved up in my name to contribute for our Colorado move, or wherever we do decide on going, in the future. What E can save up for himself in months can potentially take me years to do if things stay the same as they are...and that in itself is not fair. Despite me doing a lot of the house work between the both of us so our living lifestyle wouldnt be 'furry filthy' per se, it doesnt actually put money in my wallet, so even though I know efforts help in the present, to some degree, it doesnt help in the long-run.
Part of me feels that it's 'foolish' to work to get nowhere and the other part of me feels that its 'noble' to stay here, not give up, and see if things do work out. I mean, on average, I use to move around every 8 months, but here I am in St. Louis (of all places) for 2 years+. OBVIOUSLY, to some degree, I am showing some kind of nobility here.
BUT...
to what level can I actually stay here and 'hope' things will get better. I guess pessimism is speaking mainly here, but in my mind I am maintaining what it is I have, only to be paid and have it all go away in large chunks, and whatever I have left is spent on groceries, dinners, bills, and whatever I treat myself to every now and then, and Then back to square one. In my mind 'how can I build a future, if my present is already hard to handle as is. Especially for a significant lover'.
Ive been told to go back and work a better paying job in CA and just meet E again at some point but I honestly dont want to do that because I know I emotionally cant handle another long distance relationship. If I'm gone, I'm gone. As 'simple' as that idea sounds, theres nothing simple about it. At the same time, the more I stay here in 'Misery' it feels more and more like it as the years go on by...
So I am still looking for better work, I decided to stay here with E and his woof cause I told myself that 'I'm not leaving here without him' and I will keep doing what it is I am doing until something does happen...
So I ask you. Noble or Foolish?...
But is it only those two choices? I don't think it's entirely fair to equate your situation to either all good or all bad. Frankly, it fits for both, though noble would be the majority of the two. Foolish, only because of the constant wondering of "What if? Where would I be if I didn't stay here?" I totally understand the need and desire to think now and try to build up for the future as much as possible. But if E is aware of all of this...then it's the thought and effort that should count, regardless of the outcome. You guys are committed and (from the sound of it) are very much in love. Whatever happens, you'll both make it through.
So in a nutshell...it's BOTH and neither. If that makes sense.
as amazingly visual as that was, its true
Well then of the two, if I had to pick one...I'd say it's more noble, simply because what I said still stands. Effort and acknowledgement of the situation is amazingly effective in ensuring you still have that special someone there at the end of every day.
- Haru~Mignon McLaughlin
Anybody who told you to "go back and work a better paying job in CA and just meet E again at some point," is plain wrong seperation would cause you more problems than the extra money would solve.
~Dumarsi
Think of it in the long term, what you are doing is "noble," or at least noble enough to get my respect.
I understand your trapped feeling, working so hard only to barely make ends meet; it feels like stagnation especially to such a lively free spirit as yourself. You seem to feel rather confident that there is greener grass elsewhere, that leaving might be what’s best for your future but what makes you so sure California will have what you’re looking for? I believe the reason you left CA in the first place was in pursuit of love, will you now, having found love abandon it. Going back where you started, as it were. What assurance do you have that there will be a better job for you out there, or a better home, it seems like quite a gambit to take for such a vague goal as “finding a better job”.
It seems the situation is demanding you to be still, to take root and make a home as E has done. You’ve always been a lively person Kota, youthful and full of energy, a lover of traveling and exploration is that what you’re afraid of losing? In my experience it’s nearly impossible to find a good paying job without a college degree, but ironically getting that degree will put you in debt. A college degree will also give you stability. I don’t mean to be critical my little Water sign, but I think you could use some stability; it’s certainly something I’d like for myself. I believe if you want a better job, the solution isn’t running away to find one, it’s to build one in a place you feel comfortable, with someone you feel comfortable with.
I believe the question becomes more what are the things in my life I want, and what am I willing to sacrifice for them?
So says Sir Lanx-A-Lot of Knottingham http://www.furaffinity.net/img/smil.....ies/coffee.png
it's so funny to see such youth reflect such age in mind. reminds me of myself in my younger days *insert sage laugh here*
After reading your reply, you've opened up a side I never noticed before, opened a door I didnt even know that was there. Too much can be said on what I think but in short, I can definitely say thank you for helping me see the light in the situation. I was so lost and distraught in thought that I overlooked what was right in front of me the whole time
thanks brother *nuzzles
You made the right choice to stay. I wouldn't leave Shane, even if it means being stuck living in Florida forever. AND I HATE IT HERE. We're also barely scraping by, but we don't even have our own place, and I'm still jobless. So you're actually doing pretty good.