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Review: Wrath of the Titans
13 years ago
General
I didn't cut him...
leave your comments of this review and what you thought of the movie in the comments below! :)
You know what makes me happier than being in a box full of chocolate puppies? When Hollywood thinks that a decent attendance to an average movie warrants a sequel. God I wish text could communicate sarcasm. The first Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 cult classic, was an average movie with decent enough characters and offered some cool monster designs and sets. Then they threw on some crappy 3D and everything looked like cardboard cut-outs being operated by a stage techie and the characters felt just as flat as the cardboard. But if it was on TV and I didn’t want to go give sponge baths to underprivileged leper ridden seniors, yeah I would watch it. I like a giant tentacle monster as much as the next Japanese. But weary of the rushed sequel stink-hole the only reason I actually saw this movie was that I know that the world will never get to see a God of War movie. Plus I don’t own a Play Station so this is pretty much my only chance to see anything like God of War. After I saw it, I realized how much I need a Play Station and that everyone should just play God of War instead of seeing this movie. Take God of War, bury it the ground for three months, dig it back up, throw on an 80’s mullet and there you have your rotting, dirty, ugly zombie of a franchise.
The story continues off from the last and follows Perseus (Sam Worthington) as he has now settled down with his son and now pursues a quiet life as a fisherman and before you can say characterization, Zeus (Liam Neeson) calls onto Perseus to help in the struggle to contain the Gods’ father Kronos in the prison of Tartarus. Perseus rejects but oh no, the refusal of the call won’t stop this plot from moving. The action quickly comes to him and he must now set out on his fetch quest to find the weapons to defeat Kronos, the mandatory sequel comic relief and some working scissors to cut everyone’s hair. Seriously I can now forgive Worthington’s mullet once I saw that I could least see his face and the others from under their Cast Away hair. It’s like there was a celebrity barber strike between since the last movie and Sam Worthington just planned ahead. It also seems that everyone has lost or changed what little character they got from the last movie in order to cut right to the action. What’s most sad is that the Gods no longer act like the sleazy, self righteous, morally ambiguous bastards like they should and did act in the last movie and now just take the role of Dumbledore and Voldemort, but nowhere near as awesome or stylish.
The monsters are the one thing that this movie had going for it and really the only thing I wanted to see and the movie could barely even give me that. The monsters only seem to be in the movie in order to offer fan service to Greek mythology buffs like me, but as soon as they enter the scene they pretty much leave as quickly as they came. Plus the majority of the monsters look like the fan service was given by Steven Tyler without his daily dose of Botox injections. Plus there was no build up to these creatures. I doubt that anyone who hasn’t done any research on this movie or Greek mythology will know what the Hell they’re seeing. At least the first movie gave a name and a quick exposition line. It actually becomes a chore to see what they look like as every time they seem to be setting up a money shot, they throw dirt all over it and obscure it from vision. And director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle L.A.) is way too fond of the hand held camera, which does not work for films with grand spectacles. In fact the best visual moments of the movie are when the frantic hyper-active camera holds still for two damn seconds to get the big money shots.
The movie does have some decent moments, like the relationship between Voldemort and the God on Earth Liam Neeson and it builds up to them rocking their fake beards and owning a battlefield with their Jedi powers. Bill Nighy as Hephaestus is fun and seems to be the only one who gets that he’s in a cheesy throw away sequel, but then he’s gone before we can really start to enjoy him. It actually seems like anything good in this movie gets cut off before it can really get going or doesn’t end in any satisfactory way much like my sex life.
This seems like a movie where I’d have much more fun putting it on mute and then dubbing in everyone’s dialogue. At least then everyone would have an excuse for acting like they did in the movie, especially Ares. I can’t believe that the film makers made the actual god of war a complete pussy with daddy issues and throws what he thinks is manly equivalent of a teenage tantrum. For those of you who don’t know, Ares is a son of Zeus and I don’t know why he had such a big problem with Perseus when Zeus is known to have more kids than a family on welfare, some of which were even gods! Maybe he didn’t pick a fight with Athena because he always looked like he was 5 lines away from having a happy slap fight. Also why if there’s going to be this big cataclysmic event that only four gods are brought in on this? There are more Gods and demigods in Greece than there were sodomites and they only got four gods and two of them are known assholes?! The original Greek myths were like the first comic book series, with heroes, superheroes and continuity and they actually tried to make coherent sense of everything. But this is what happens when a bunch of mythological figurines and dirt are put into a bin and then thrown in the audiences face. Yeah the 3D upgrade is nice, but it only has so much amusement before you realize that the movie has no intention of cleaning up the extra incomprehensible mess it just left of the floor.
Wrath of the Titans*1/2 You know what makes me happier than being in a box full of chocolate puppies? When Hollywood thinks that a decent attendance to an average movie warrants a sequel. God I wish text could communicate sarcasm. The first Clash of the Titans, a remake of the 1981 cult classic, was an average movie with decent enough characters and offered some cool monster designs and sets. Then they threw on some crappy 3D and everything looked like cardboard cut-outs being operated by a stage techie and the characters felt just as flat as the cardboard. But if it was on TV and I didn’t want to go give sponge baths to underprivileged leper ridden seniors, yeah I would watch it. I like a giant tentacle monster as much as the next Japanese. But weary of the rushed sequel stink-hole the only reason I actually saw this movie was that I know that the world will never get to see a God of War movie. Plus I don’t own a Play Station so this is pretty much my only chance to see anything like God of War. After I saw it, I realized how much I need a Play Station and that everyone should just play God of War instead of seeing this movie. Take God of War, bury it the ground for three months, dig it back up, throw on an 80’s mullet and there you have your rotting, dirty, ugly zombie of a franchise.
The story continues off from the last and follows Perseus (Sam Worthington) as he has now settled down with his son and now pursues a quiet life as a fisherman and before you can say characterization, Zeus (Liam Neeson) calls onto Perseus to help in the struggle to contain the Gods’ father Kronos in the prison of Tartarus. Perseus rejects but oh no, the refusal of the call won’t stop this plot from moving. The action quickly comes to him and he must now set out on his fetch quest to find the weapons to defeat Kronos, the mandatory sequel comic relief and some working scissors to cut everyone’s hair. Seriously I can now forgive Worthington’s mullet once I saw that I could least see his face and the others from under their Cast Away hair. It’s like there was a celebrity barber strike between since the last movie and Sam Worthington just planned ahead. It also seems that everyone has lost or changed what little character they got from the last movie in order to cut right to the action. What’s most sad is that the Gods no longer act like the sleazy, self righteous, morally ambiguous bastards like they should and did act in the last movie and now just take the role of Dumbledore and Voldemort, but nowhere near as awesome or stylish.
The monsters are the one thing that this movie had going for it and really the only thing I wanted to see and the movie could barely even give me that. The monsters only seem to be in the movie in order to offer fan service to Greek mythology buffs like me, but as soon as they enter the scene they pretty much leave as quickly as they came. Plus the majority of the monsters look like the fan service was given by Steven Tyler without his daily dose of Botox injections. Plus there was no build up to these creatures. I doubt that anyone who hasn’t done any research on this movie or Greek mythology will know what the Hell they’re seeing. At least the first movie gave a name and a quick exposition line. It actually becomes a chore to see what they look like as every time they seem to be setting up a money shot, they throw dirt all over it and obscure it from vision. And director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle L.A.) is way too fond of the hand held camera, which does not work for films with grand spectacles. In fact the best visual moments of the movie are when the frantic hyper-active camera holds still for two damn seconds to get the big money shots.
The movie does have some decent moments, like the relationship between Voldemort and the God on Earth Liam Neeson and it builds up to them rocking their fake beards and owning a battlefield with their Jedi powers. Bill Nighy as Hephaestus is fun and seems to be the only one who gets that he’s in a cheesy throw away sequel, but then he’s gone before we can really start to enjoy him. It actually seems like anything good in this movie gets cut off before it can really get going or doesn’t end in any satisfactory way much like my sex life.
This seems like a movie where I’d have much more fun putting it on mute and then dubbing in everyone’s dialogue. At least then everyone would have an excuse for acting like they did in the movie, especially Ares. I can’t believe that the film makers made the actual god of war a complete pussy with daddy issues and throws what he thinks is manly equivalent of a teenage tantrum. For those of you who don’t know, Ares is a son of Zeus and I don’t know why he had such a big problem with Perseus when Zeus is known to have more kids than a family on welfare, some of which were even gods! Maybe he didn’t pick a fight with Athena because he always looked like he was 5 lines away from having a happy slap fight. Also why if there’s going to be this big cataclysmic event that only four gods are brought in on this? There are more Gods and demigods in Greece than there were sodomites and they only got four gods and two of them are known assholes?! The original Greek myths were like the first comic book series, with heroes, superheroes and continuity and they actually tried to make coherent sense of everything. But this is what happens when a bunch of mythological figurines and dirt are put into a bin and then thrown in the audiences face. Yeah the 3D upgrade is nice, but it only has so much amusement before you realize that the movie has no intention of cleaning up the extra incomprehensible mess it just left of the floor.
Stripes
~stripes
Not thinking of seeing it, heard mostly mediocre stuff about it. Fun review though, I like the simile to your sex life ;) Self-depreciating humor is great.
DremNeverwolf
~dremneverwolf
OP
...humor?
