*Raises both hands high in the air*

i would love a relationship that does not need to have the buttluvins as a requirement.

Do you find it's somewhat difficult to find that?

i honestly do think it is very difficult to find a relationship like that. Over sexualization of homosexuals in the media is somewhat true i have to admit. though its the same with straight couples, most couples break up or divorce and such do to problems in the bedroom, less than problems in the relationship in general.

Oversimplify things much?

*Shrug*

If someone's definition of romantic fulfillment is more complex than what I've put out there, then they're more than free to elaborate all they want.

An honest relationship with someone you love, till the time of your deathbed, is a very important part of any life relationship. If having sex is a requirement, then I would guess a lot of hardships await in that relationship. Of course, being emotionally understanding, compassionate, and having passion is important. But to be closed, for example coming out gay, is not healthy.

Different gay relationships can be tricky and at times different, putting it briefly.

Yes, but the question is more geared towards the physical wants of those reading.

I've not been wanting sex for ages. I want romance. I want to be charmed and wooed and courted. If it leads to sex down the line, so be it.

So you're impartial, so long as the emotional connection is made first?

Yes.

Well I would like to experience the butt love one time, but if it's not for me, then I'll have no issues with being a snuggle buddy. Just as long as they come to the gym with me and train together, I'll be happy.

So a best friend with benefits? Who's willing to give compromise?

only real thing I'm after is a lifting partner, if it happens to go further, then I'll let it happen.

So yeah a friend with benefits, but it's a win-win for both.

I just want someone who wouldn't think I'm weird for being gay.

So...then what do you want? The equivalent of an understanding roomie?

In a relationship, I'd mainly expect an emotional connection to someone, and concern for each others well being. The sex would be more of a bonus.

I don't like clubs and parades myself, but I don't find anything wrong with the occasional dick in the butt.

But if I do find myself in a relationship that doesn't care for it, I think I'd be fine with other things. :3

And would you be fine with no sex at all? Just closeness and cuddling?

And I'm not saying gay sex is awful, simply trying to see who is and isn't for it.

Do fondling and non-penetrative stuff count as sex in this context, or no?

Well, for some I've met, they don't want ANY form of sexual contact. For others, they just don't endorse the idea that "Shove it in the next closest hole" constitutes a 'real' relationship.

Well, I can sort of see where they're coming from. :3

I do see sex as the whipped cream topping of the relationship. Nice, but not quite completely necessary for the entire dessert to be absolutely yummy.

Buuuuuuuuuut, there are times when you do need some of that whipped cream. No other food in the house, you're STARVING, but you didn't get the paycheck yet so you can't go out and get some more. That can of whipped cream is pretty much the only thing in the fridge.

...Taking that out of metaphorical terms, you're goddamn horny as hell and unfortunately have no significant other to help you get off, but a good friend of yours is around and willing to help you satisfy that need. They're a really nice person, but you don't feel the need for a relationship with them.

...I kinda lost myself with this analogy, but my main point is that if I feel sex isn't absolutely essential to make a relationship work, BUT sometimes sex will need to be had SOMEHOW. XD

Well gotta have sex in a relationship of course, but that's just the icing on the romance cake. I'd say this is pretty accurate information, but I wouldn't say its a minority at all. It's far from a minority. :) A lot of folks that get horny and crazy want this love and relationship, but it's hard enough finding that as is.

Well that's the thing, a good number of people feel very pressured that they -have to- put out in order to find someone. That's the minority I'm speaking about; people who don't want sex, in any or all forms, but who still crave that form of connection.

As to the gays who want to get laid but want this kind of love...oh man, that is totally a different discussion.

I'm currently one of those guys who never have sex at the moment, but I'm not against it either.

I'd be convinced with not having any form of sex or butt sex if said partner actually was interested in the process of being attentive, close, snuggly, naughty, adventurous, understanding, and loving. But that in itself is a big request to fulfill. Some folks simply find ANY kind of affection a chore and replace it with gifts or nothing at all, that can be a very common problem as well which many folks definitely wouldn't admit to doing to their partners. >:C I hate that crap. I'd be happy with gifts if the guy enjoys talking and sharing...and snuggles C_C

never have had sex*

I want a relationship ina sense that I can have someone to turn to, to be my confidant, to be a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with, and of course be that someone in return. I feel sex can come out of it, its a way of showing close affection, but its not what Im after

Do you feel you can be fine with -never- having sex with them, though? If they can be everything short of that?

If its real and deep, then I dont see why not

Bra-VO.

But I have to ask, did you at any point feel like you would HAVE to put out if you expected to find someone? If so, what was that like?

Ah, yeah, I know this.

The constant stress of knowing that you're denying the other party what they want most can be debilitating.

Thank you so much for elaborating.

Not looking right now. But I'll resume my expectations, no matter straight or gay:

Best friends with benefits (if you know what I mean) that will accept me for who I am, understand me, and love me. ;w;

So...help clarify for me.

It sounds like you don't have any sexual expectations of your partner, rather you're happy to submit to their desires, no matter how tame or extreme (With some reservations, I'm sure)

In exchange, you're looking for real, meaningful closeness, regardless of what gender it comes from?

Nah. Of course we are gonna fuck. XD I mean that it's not gonna be the focus of our relationship.

The closeness, however, is an absolute must.

But that's the central question I'm getting at.

Can you have a perfect relationship without sex? Anal, specifically?

Hey, if it works for George Takei, it has to work for you. XD

But to answer your question, I think you can. Many people have sexless relationships and they do fine.

I mean YOU SPECIFICALLY, silly.

WELL EXCUSE ME PRINCESS. XD

Well, I'm not sure. I'd love to fuck once or twice a week. XD But if we don't have sex, then that's fine. :3

I for one am not anywhere close to the "typical" gay guy. For one main reason being that I describe myself as asexual as well because sex is something that never or rarely comes to my mind.

When I was single I never stopped thinking that not being sexual would make finding love be really hard for me because everyone around me always tells me how wonderful sex is and how it can make or break a relationship.

I got pretty darn lucky though to find a wonderful mate who I've been with for a while and we've been super happy together without having sex at all. My mate just happened to feel the same way about sex when we first met each other and that was one of many things that brought us together.

Lucky indeed! I'm glad you're happy and that you've found what you want, and thanks for contributing!

Eh me and my bf aren't conventional couples we are honestly similar to a boring married couple lol. No drinking board games with friends and hanging out and video games and movies sometimes. Not a lot of buttluvins (hes crazy passive and too much work for me lol so all we do is a mutual j/o) If we had no buttsecks we'd live but without the emotional fullfillment we give eachother it wouldn't work.

I see. Wow, I'm really amazed that this is such a common thing.

Honestly, I enjoy sex... I mean who doesn't love the euphoric state after given by the brain's release of adrenaline and endorphins?

That being said, if I didn't get it up the butt... I would be indifferent. A relationship is based on numerous forms of intimacy that does not require "sex". Cuddling and kissing are parts of romance. If I got the romance, the love, the caring, and the intimacy on the interpersonal levels, I would be a much happier person for it.

Now, of course, there are those times where some of us are horny as hell and we want to get down and hog wild nasty with our significant other.

But that doesn't really answer the initial question. As far as I can tell, it seems you -don't- want to be in a relationship that doesn't want it from the rear.

Well... I did say that I am indifferent about it. It is one of those things that I can do without in order to have a relationship in the first place. We all know that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. If I was in a relationship where physical intimacy was out (a.k.a. anything sexual) I would be fine with that, so long as I had the connection and intimacy in other ways.

The folks you're talking with, are they all based within the fandom or without? Personally, I'd give up sex for the rest of my life if I could trade it for someone to spend it with. I'll point out I'm still a virgin by choice. Lately I look outward into the local gay community and sometimes on websites for the area; but, those probably aren't the best places. I don't club, drink, party, smoke, do drugs, or anything that seems to be 'required' for a lot of gay men to even engage in conversation.

Maybe it's my area, or luck, but MOST men don't seem interested in even conversation or a date if sex is pulled off the table. :T

Hence this journal, but your contribution is appreciated.

Thank you.

Though, there was actually a question in there, directed to you.

I asked the community I wanted answers from.

I'm not gay, but I'm bi. Even so... *raises a paw* I'm not entirely all that sexual. Just to hug or be hugged, being that close with someone would make me the happiest guy alive. I don't even mind if I'm the one gaining the most comfort or giving the most comfort from it. (in a manner of speaking). Plus the whole idea of loving in the rear doesn't really appeal to me. I'd be happy with anything that I got.

I've found a lot of people feel the same, that the sex shouldn't be the basis of a relationship. That true comfort and love should come first, with the love making a by-product of it all. I've never really got why people feel the need to make sex the main focus point of a relationship.

Well...the studies are out there.

It's a very common mindset to see sex, or any extreme physical intimacy, as being the highest form of being accepted. To be wanted and desired physically in every way...some people see that as a very powerful draw. Mix that with the possibility of feeling amazing if done right, and you can see how the pressure can escalate. There's also the feeling for gays that they've missed out, when everyone else who's straight has already found that kind of intimacy around them, and they're left behind. It's kind of a natural result of having such a minute dating pool.

Thanks for your views, though!

Hrrm, well I can understand that a bit as I haven't really received any sort of interest from the opposite sex at all.

But the whole "being physically accepted" aspect of it, I can fully understand that. Wanting to be fully accepted both physically and emotionally is a normal thing... and given how low a self esteem I have about my own appearance, I find that wanting to be accepted physically is a huge problem for me. Even if I were accepted physically, I would still feel like I didn't meet a certain standard. So being able to please the other sexually, and have them enjoy it wholly, it would make you feel a little more like they fully accept you. But I personally wouldn't do that, I think... so far I haven't had the chance to be that intimate with someone.

so this is about a month old, but I feel another voice of support in this kind of thing is always welcome. Neither I or my boyfriend go in much for the buttsecks, but we still have a very intimate and sexual relationship. That said, I'm of the opinion that you should try everything, as long as it's safe - it's better to know than wonder I think. There are other ways to be together, physically. Frot, mutual j/o, oral (which I'm partial to) are all just as valid sexual acts and as just as gratifying for some people. And while we've tried it once, buttsecks is never going to be more than a VERY rare experiment in our relationship. It's not a super-common point of view but I know that we are not the only people who feel this way, either. I also know guys that are grossed out by any kind of sexual contact, I don't wholly understand it but it's absolutely a valid way to go - unfortunately, I think the statistics are that only about 1% of people are truly asexual in that manner. Whatever the case, EVERYBODY needs that confidant, the true friend they can go to to confess or discuss anything, and I wish ya luck in finding it :@)

*Chuckle*

Well I'm not looking, actually. I'm just trying to see how much this point of view pervades other gays. It's really a comment on the social pressures that have been declared normal for gays. I'm glad you found what you were looking for!

It's a popular conception that homosexuals are sex crazy maniacs that love butt stuff and don't form emotional bonds. What you're describing is hardly a rare thing, it just contradicts the popular sterotype of what it means to be gay in our heteronormative culture.

That...

That wasn't my point at all.

I was asking about preferred methods of showing intimacy. Specifically, those interested in low-sex relationships.

I know it wasn't what you were asking. I was simply pointing out the reason why it seems like a "low-sex" relationship is in itself an exceptional thing, particularly among gay male couples.