It all started when our uber geek, Bee, woke up in a bush. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very stunned, Bee grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, she realized that her beloved candy was missing! Immediately she called her bed-friend, Carrot. Bee had known Carrot for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Carrot was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Bee called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Carrot picked up to a very calm Bee. Carrot calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks yawn before mating, yet venomous koalas usually indiscriminately sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bee. Why was Carrot trying to distract Bee? Because he had snuck out from Bee's with the candy only four days prior. It was a sassy little candy... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bee got back to the subject at hand: her candy. Carrot sneezed. Relunctantly, Carrot invited her over, assuring her they'd find the candy. Bee grabbed her hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Carrot realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the candy and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Bee took the tricycle, he had take at least five minutes before Bee would get there. But if she took the Elvis? Then Carrot would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Carrot was interrupted by five selfish otters that were lured by his candy. Carrot sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he recklessly reached for his banana and recklessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Elvis rolling up. It was Bee.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so she knew she was running late. With a hasty leap, Bee was out of the Elvis and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Carrot's front door. Meanwhile inside, Carrot was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the candy into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his time machine. Carrot was displeased but at least the candy was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Carrot sassily purred. With a quick push, Bee opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid flaming idiot in a tricycle,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Carrot assured her. Bee took a seat hilariously close to where Carrot had hidden the candy. Carrot panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bee was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Carrot noticed a pestering look on Bee's face. Bee slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Carrot felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Bee asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the candy right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Bee's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bee nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Carrot could react, Bee aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The candy was plainly in view.

Bee stared at Carrot for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Carrot groped sassily in Bee's direction, clearly desperate. Bee grabbed the candy and bolted for the door. It was locked. Carrot let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bee,' he rebuked. Carrot always had been a little funny-smelling, so Bee knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Carrot did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, she gripped her candy tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Carrot looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bee. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bee. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Carrot walked over to the window and looked down. Bee was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bee was struggling to make her way through the secret vineyard behind Carrot's place. Bee had severely hurt her scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral otters suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the candy. One by one they latched on to Bee. Already weakened from her injury, Bee yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of otters running off with her candy.

About seven hours later, Bee awoke, her armpit throbbing. It was dark and Bee did not know where she was. Deep in the mysterious disease-infested jungle, Bee was very lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she remembered that her candy was taken by the otters. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a misshapen otter emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha otter. Bee opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the otter sunk its teeth into Bee's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bee's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than six miles away, Carrot was entombed by anguish over the loss of the candy. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bee... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the candy that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant otters, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(