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Masks and Demons
13 years ago
General
Know that I don't always know what I'm going to say. Games, Entertainment, Self, Weather, Politics, Events, History, Philosophy, all are fair game and any are free without the waring eyes of family or work.
I think a lot of us have learned over the years how to split our persona, be it king/cruel or shy/wild or humble/greedy. It's because wearing a mask and showing people what they want to see can be easier then the alternative. Both for others as well as ourselves. The question becomes who's the benefactor? And more importantly, do YOU benefit from it?
I've worn the mask of someone humble and caring so long it's become a part of me, or maybe it was always there and the world has merely desensitized me enough to let the voices of my inner demons be heard? It does not matter. I have a side hidden away, one that has very little empathy for the world around me. Random acts of violence and stupidity make that side chuckle and only longs for more. There's a part of me that when angered, wants to trip you over, twist your arms, and make you cry for mercy. And that's assuming I don't want to simply grab the sides of your head and twist very hard, or take the knife I'm cutting my supper with and cut other things with it. Hearing all the whining and bitching about how we need to soccer-mom the world make me vomit.
Sure when some poor schmuck gets turned into street pizza there's a moment of pity, self identifying that maybe this was someone I knew, or someone that my friends of friends of friends knew. But then then that feeling is repressed and I cannot help but feel that there's not enough of it in the world. Identifying the consequences of those desired actions keeps it repressed.
But I actually value friendship a lot and will actually repress my anger and rage for that 1 out of 100 who is my friend, where as I would let it fly for the other 99. Even those who have shunned me still sit in my lighter side despite every urge of my darker half demanding retribution. Why? Maybe it's just it's easier that way, it's because that's what people know? It is among the many reasons I choose not to become intoxicated, I do not know the type of person I would become and deemed it safer not to find out.
I think it's because I'd probably take it farther then I want, as I would no longer benefit from the situation. A bridge burnt is hard to repair, I've become very selective as to which and how I burn mine. Sometimes the other person comes back with a sense of understanding, sometimes not. But I wear my masks because there may be a time I need something, and giving them what they want gets me what I need.
I've worn the mask of someone humble and caring so long it's become a part of me, or maybe it was always there and the world has merely desensitized me enough to let the voices of my inner demons be heard? It does not matter. I have a side hidden away, one that has very little empathy for the world around me. Random acts of violence and stupidity make that side chuckle and only longs for more. There's a part of me that when angered, wants to trip you over, twist your arms, and make you cry for mercy. And that's assuming I don't want to simply grab the sides of your head and twist very hard, or take the knife I'm cutting my supper with and cut other things with it. Hearing all the whining and bitching about how we need to soccer-mom the world make me vomit.
Sure when some poor schmuck gets turned into street pizza there's a moment of pity, self identifying that maybe this was someone I knew, or someone that my friends of friends of friends knew. But then then that feeling is repressed and I cannot help but feel that there's not enough of it in the world. Identifying the consequences of those desired actions keeps it repressed.
But I actually value friendship a lot and will actually repress my anger and rage for that 1 out of 100 who is my friend, where as I would let it fly for the other 99. Even those who have shunned me still sit in my lighter side despite every urge of my darker half demanding retribution. Why? Maybe it's just it's easier that way, it's because that's what people know? It is among the many reasons I choose not to become intoxicated, I do not know the type of person I would become and deemed it safer not to find out.
I think it's because I'd probably take it farther then I want, as I would no longer benefit from the situation. A bridge burnt is hard to repair, I've become very selective as to which and how I burn mine. Sometimes the other person comes back with a sense of understanding, sometimes not. But I wear my masks because there may be a time I need something, and giving them what they want gets me what I need.
(I pray all that makes sense.)