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The depths of unwarranted hatred...
13 years ago
I consider myself a regular person. Nothing extraordinary about me. I'm not a movie star or a model. I'm not a famous rock star, nor am I a politician. I'm just a regular woman who lives a regular life. But you wouldn't know that with the way some people react to me. Or maybe I should say OVER-react to me.
I have been the target of people's unwarranted hatred for years. I'm used to it, for the most part. I've had people threaten all kinds of doom and violence on me. I have had people stalk me to the ends of the internet and beyond. I have had all kinds of horrible rumors and lies spread about me because someone needed to feel superior or in control. When it comes to trolls, I've seen some of the worst of them. What's all the more confusing is that many times, they think I'll never know what they've said. Almost always, I've found out in some way or another. Either through an accident or because a caring person let me know.
The most interesting thing about these kinds of people is that they wish these horrible thing on me, or on my friends or family, and they have no reason to. I haven't done anything to purposely hurt anyone. However, I KNOW I have hurt people emotionally, though it was through no act of intention on my part. No one in this world has a right to go through life without feeling emotional pain once in a while. Even at that, I haven't set out to purposely hurt someone's heart, either. Someone else's emotional pain is more the side-effect of a separation, or their coming to realization that I am not this person they have created in their mind. I'm not perfect, or I don't fit their ideals well enough; that I am my own person with my own wants, dreams, and goals and that I don't allow others to control me or use me. So I may do something that hurts them emotionally. Usually that comes in the form of me separating myself from a situation I have deemed is inappropriate for me. Yes, I will fully grant that this will cause hurt feelings and make someone feel angry or rejected, but it's just emotional pain. That's something that only hurts for long if you LET it. It also isn't to say that I am not sorry that they're experiencing that pain, either. I am sorry they have to go through it, and my hope is always that it will pass quickly. But there isn't much I can do, unfortunately. Someone else's healing is their responsibility, not mine.
Maybe I'm not capable of real hate. I don't know. I have never felt so badly about someone to wish something truly life threatening or otherwise devastating on them or their loved ones just because I didn't like them. I can feel sorry for others involved with that person. I do that a lot. But I don't wish for something terrible to befall them simply because they don't live up to something I wanted or expected.
I also don't blame people for things not going my way. Yet, I have been blamed with the "ruining" of some of the most ridiculous things you'll ever hear. I suppose these people needed something to shift the blame onto, since they didn't want to focus on where the blame really was: with themselves and what they allowed. I've been someone else's personal monster more times than I care to try to count. All the while, they were looking everywhere except where they really should be for where the real blame was. Sometimes it's with them and their actions or what they allowed, and sometimes not. But the blame is rarely on me.
What this all comes down to is my inability to find the logic in any of this. I can't wrap my mind around how anyone could hope for bad things to happen to someone who has done them no real or lasting harm. What kind of person does it take to have a depth of hatred like that? What does that kind of hatred feel like? Is it painful? I always imagined it was really painful... And, for as much as some people wish horrific things on me, if it really is painful for them to hate me that much, I feel sincerely sorry for them. I can't seem to comprehend why I, a regular person who lives a regular, down-to-earth life and isn't at all extraordinary in any way, could be SO important as to be such a huge focus for this kind of energy and time.
Hatred is a tragic waste of life...
I have been the target of people's unwarranted hatred for years. I'm used to it, for the most part. I've had people threaten all kinds of doom and violence on me. I have had people stalk me to the ends of the internet and beyond. I have had all kinds of horrible rumors and lies spread about me because someone needed to feel superior or in control. When it comes to trolls, I've seen some of the worst of them. What's all the more confusing is that many times, they think I'll never know what they've said. Almost always, I've found out in some way or another. Either through an accident or because a caring person let me know.
The most interesting thing about these kinds of people is that they wish these horrible thing on me, or on my friends or family, and they have no reason to. I haven't done anything to purposely hurt anyone. However, I KNOW I have hurt people emotionally, though it was through no act of intention on my part. No one in this world has a right to go through life without feeling emotional pain once in a while. Even at that, I haven't set out to purposely hurt someone's heart, either. Someone else's emotional pain is more the side-effect of a separation, or their coming to realization that I am not this person they have created in their mind. I'm not perfect, or I don't fit their ideals well enough; that I am my own person with my own wants, dreams, and goals and that I don't allow others to control me or use me. So I may do something that hurts them emotionally. Usually that comes in the form of me separating myself from a situation I have deemed is inappropriate for me. Yes, I will fully grant that this will cause hurt feelings and make someone feel angry or rejected, but it's just emotional pain. That's something that only hurts for long if you LET it. It also isn't to say that I am not sorry that they're experiencing that pain, either. I am sorry they have to go through it, and my hope is always that it will pass quickly. But there isn't much I can do, unfortunately. Someone else's healing is their responsibility, not mine.
Maybe I'm not capable of real hate. I don't know. I have never felt so badly about someone to wish something truly life threatening or otherwise devastating on them or their loved ones just because I didn't like them. I can feel sorry for others involved with that person. I do that a lot. But I don't wish for something terrible to befall them simply because they don't live up to something I wanted or expected.
I also don't blame people for things not going my way. Yet, I have been blamed with the "ruining" of some of the most ridiculous things you'll ever hear. I suppose these people needed something to shift the blame onto, since they didn't want to focus on where the blame really was: with themselves and what they allowed. I've been someone else's personal monster more times than I care to try to count. All the while, they were looking everywhere except where they really should be for where the real blame was. Sometimes it's with them and their actions or what they allowed, and sometimes not. But the blame is rarely on me.
What this all comes down to is my inability to find the logic in any of this. I can't wrap my mind around how anyone could hope for bad things to happen to someone who has done them no real or lasting harm. What kind of person does it take to have a depth of hatred like that? What does that kind of hatred feel like? Is it painful? I always imagined it was really painful... And, for as much as some people wish horrific things on me, if it really is painful for them to hate me that much, I feel sincerely sorry for them. I can't seem to comprehend why I, a regular person who lives a regular, down-to-earth life and isn't at all extraordinary in any way, could be SO important as to be such a huge focus for this kind of energy and time.
Hatred is a tragic waste of life...
It is a total waste.
You're not going to find any logic for the unwarranted hate towards you.
But it's a waste that people act this way.
I know there's no logical answer. I know I'll never really know why. But I always wish I could know. It's the confusion and lack of understanding of it that gets me more than anything else.
Imagine if the people who do this sort of thing would focus their energy on something like art instead of stalking people or seething in their own hatred! I bet they could get really good at it if they applied as much energy into something like art or writing or some other creative endeavor rather than wasting it on hate.
just one artist looking after another... :3
Basically, they can't hurt me. But I want to help them get off a bad road and onto a better one, if at all possible. I don't like seeing people buried under hate and negativity like that.
In general, I do shrug it off. Or, rather, I just sort of sigh and shake my head. I'm just so sorry for these people. I can't imagine what it must be like to live a life in which someone has to focus that kind of negative energy onto someone else just to try to make themselves feel better. Such a sad thing...
still you made me smile how sweet you are...that innocence is beautiful...don't lose that now :3
Apologizing is good. I can't say I expect it at all. I've been apologized to maybe a couple times by people who have lashed out at me for ridiculous reasons. One was following the wrong crowd and developed and incorrect opinion of my character based on someone else's rumors. The other realized the rumors really were off the wall and retarded and apologized for being so short sighted. I don't recall any others besides those two cases, but there might have been others. I like to apologize where I can, when it's appropriate to do so. You wouldn't want to just apologize for the sake of apologizing.
My hope is that I can bring some kind of realization to the situation. A kind of wake up call, I guess? I'm trying to say, "Is that really how you want to spend your time? Life is so short... Do you really want to waste it on stalking someone and wishing acts of violence on them when they neither did anything to you in the first place, nor do they want anything bad to happen to you now and are trying to let you live in peace?" Instead of wasting time on me, I would rather they would sit down and draw, or write, or compose a song, or do something creative and productive. I am not worth this kind of time or energy!
Emotions do get the better of many people. But... I hope that most people are able to see past those emotions once the sting has worn off and move on and let it go. In this case... these are people who seem to refuse to let it go. They stew in their hate until it grows into something it never should have become in the first place. They need to let it go. Not for me. But for THEM and those that love them and have to watch them suffer emotionally as a result of their inability to move on. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm not worried about myself, because I'm not. I'm not hurt. I'm worried about them and their loved ones. I've always been one to be concerned for the well being and feelings of other people, and to know that this is happening and that it does affect them and those they love makes me really sad... Despite them hating me, I guess I still long to help them...
I always hold out the hope that they'll take a moment to think about what I said and snap out of it. I want to see them get past these things and be able to live a healthier, happier life. Nothing is so important, especially not one regular, boring person, as to waste precious life on like that.
Aside from that, it's an unbelievably wholesome way to deal with frustrating misfortunes and tragedies. (even a stubbed toe will do, we would NEVER be that clumsy! No, we are a creature of grace, Loki is up to his old tricks..curse him!)
Whereas when Steve from next door stubs his toe, he'll forever blame his wet-nurse who looked at him all nasty, purposefully breaking his concentration and thus causing the pain quite deliberatly.
That cunt..after all Steve has done for her! Steve will never forget.
(Steve's mother also "left him in the parkinglot" at a mall cos he was throwing a tantrum, this traumatized him to no ends, now the world OWES Steve)
See, it's this kind of thing! I wish I could sit down with Steve and talk to him about this. I wanna help him see that it was an accident (except the mall thing... that's a harder subject to deal with, since he'd be looking back on that from the perspective of his child-self and not his adult self exactly), and that it'll be okay and nobody made it happen. It just happened. How about we go play checkers?
To dare to break the cycle of abuse and negative feedback, offering empathy.
I believe almost everypony can be healed but I, personally can never be so big of a person to actually put myself in the line to remove hurt (it's downright dangerous on occasion)
Respect!