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The fuck of which my brain is full...
13 years ago
General
...Just some random musings, nothing real important. FA journal is a nice, "semi-anonymous" platform to get thoughts out that could be too personal or too long for facebook. For example, since I lost my health insurance & subsequently my prescriptions, my brain has been full of all kinds of fuck. I'm having a harder & harder time keeping things straight, havent felt this way in years. I feel some kind of overpowering need for something, but I don't know what it is. I just want to go outside & walk...& walk & walk until I'm miles from where I started & I don't know where I am anymore. It's a beautiful night, perhaps if I didn't have to work @ 7am I might act on that impulse.
Ive been thinking a lot about how quickly time has been moving. Nostalgia glasses make everything seem so much more...pleasant in the past. I know its a lie, I'm not any happier now than I was 3 years ago, it just seems that way. Or maybe it's a creeping sense of despair at this pit of stagnation my life has become. Maybe the urge I have to scream & run until my shoes have worn to nothing is just my mind rebelling, I havent been feeding it after all.
At the same time I'm feeling this need for progress, I'm petrified of change. I am so scared of leaving this life I've come to be so "comfortable" with. Not happy, but comfortable, and that's dangerous. I have some very dear friends here whom I am loathe to leave. One in particular. God knows why she chose to be my friend but I say with absolute certainty if it wasnt for her, I would not be alive right now. *sigh* We have been separated for years at a time before & came through it alright, but somehow I just feel this time, this time will be different.
*shakes head*
NOPE
okay enough of that. I just had a compulsion to get my thoughts out, & thats about the extent of them that I feel like sharing with the world at the moment.
TL;DR
I'm losing my shit...need to get out of here...feels like there's bugs crawling under my skin...ACK
Ive been thinking a lot about how quickly time has been moving. Nostalgia glasses make everything seem so much more...pleasant in the past. I know its a lie, I'm not any happier now than I was 3 years ago, it just seems that way. Or maybe it's a creeping sense of despair at this pit of stagnation my life has become. Maybe the urge I have to scream & run until my shoes have worn to nothing is just my mind rebelling, I havent been feeding it after all.
At the same time I'm feeling this need for progress, I'm petrified of change. I am so scared of leaving this life I've come to be so "comfortable" with. Not happy, but comfortable, and that's dangerous. I have some very dear friends here whom I am loathe to leave. One in particular. God knows why she chose to be my friend but I say with absolute certainty if it wasnt for her, I would not be alive right now. *sigh* We have been separated for years at a time before & came through it alright, but somehow I just feel this time, this time will be different.
*shakes head*
NOPE
okay enough of that. I just had a compulsion to get my thoughts out, & thats about the extent of them that I feel like sharing with the world at the moment.
TL;DR
I'm losing my shit...need to get out of here...feels like there's bugs crawling under my skin...ACK
And I know FA can be petty, childish & full of drama...but I like to think about the friendships I've made, ppl I wouldn't have met otherwise, art I've gotten to see...it all sort of balances out.
...and thank you for the watch (I'm honored!), I'll try put good stuff up =D
I really do hope we get to meet at FF, I mean it's not a definite no yet, just a probably no...and my icon...I probably change it once a week but I would keep in touch w you & Sun even if I left the fandom. Not that I have any intentions of doing so! lol I think I'm just...."maturing?" I have less of an interest in suiting & meets/cons & more of an interest in socializing, networking & art lately. Still part of the fandom, just...reevaluating my role in it I guess. Idk, changing times bring self reflection i suppose...
However, i know we hardly talk or hang out.. but regardless of that, you are one of the most important people to me, don't ask me why or how. You just are, and when you do move, you will be missed dearly.
We will be here for you, wherever you are, no matter what..
But the reason I'm leaving is actually so I can go to college down south. I know it's the right thing to do for me, for my life, it just hurts a lot to leave friends behind, and I don't do change very well >.> I am quite a creature of habit.
oh & Im sorry it took me so long to respond