I should be asleep. But I keep... Having these awful feelings. I hate feelings, they make me stupid :(

They also make me think things that are irrational and unfounded, like right now I'm pretty sure I'm having a crisis of self-worth. I mean, honestly this particular bit has been going on for about a month, but it's been like a dull roar opposed to the crushing oppressiveness I am feeling right now, and it's only compounded by the fact that I KNOW people are there that care, but I can't see them, touch them, or just sit quietly in the same room as them, which would really be... I dunno, probably the only thing that can help. It's like being stranded on an island, with no raft and no hope of rescue.

And I can't sleep.

I can't even sit up and get on my computer or my grandmother will no doubt come and remind me how I am no longer a welcome guest here.

And I can't leave my grandpa behind, because he has it just as bad as me, if not worse, since I can escape by working, and he's too sick to even walk up and down the driveway without help.

I am sitting here. Laying, really, wondering what the fuck I can do. I've made plans, promises, and I should be able to be there for  absinthe, but I can't, and it's fucking destroying me. I don't even know how I plan to leave im December when  remnantwolfe and  theolis-wolfpaw need me to. I feel like a bad friend for being so useless.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. Maybe it'll make me feel better, or maybe I'm just being am awful person again and throwing myself a pity party.