Yesterday was pretty much one of the most enjoyable days I've had in some time. I went out with a friend for tea /w boba, cheese cake, the best Japanese food I've had in years, some good smoke, and just chatting with a few lesbian friends of mine. It really shouldn't be a surprise but I'm biologically male. I *really* don't like being honest with that, in fact I feel so disconnected to it that it feels insulting after a while. The pronoun 'he' isn't something I really like to hear associated with me, mostly because I feel numb to it. I'm gender queer, a catch-all description for someone who doesn't rightly fit into any preconceived notion of gender at all. I guess tomboy works well, masculine I suppose but the typical guy isn't something I can really associate with. The real term is just something I can't come up with, but then came yesterday. I can't remember feeling so at ease with people before, or getting along so well either. Their level of energy was mine, their interests were mine, their pattern of conversation was mine. When we felt like talking we talked, when we were interested in other things that's what we did. I always felt like my mindset was wrong for my body, and I know that's the case. I still feel trapped, but yesterday was a reminders that people are out there like me, I just could never be one of them.

Also, if you think this adds up to me being straight, well you're about as wrong as can be. There's an awful lot of context behind it. I guess if I were ever to get a lover they would have to understand that I respond emotionally different, have different levels of desire, and a few other things. I'm not looking for a straight woman, Bi would be a safer bet and intelligence is an absolute requirement. But I'm not holding my breath. What I want is something I know I can't have and that's just the way it is.

It isn't easy getting used to the fact, but it's nice to have some confirmation that I have a group I can identify with. I have friends who understand, *friends*. At this point I love them so much I'd never want to ruin that with romantic thoughts. For me, Love has only meant pain anyway. You don't get good friends very often and I have perhaps six of seven to my name.. which outnumbers ex lovers still.

Still, my Avatar is the perfect symbol for me even now. She's something that can't fit in with the normal world, something that has a hard time finding a place to truly fit in, and has so much contrast about her that there is no hope she'll just find a perfect place to belong. She's also something so stubborn that she'll never let that stop her..