I will be honest. Things have not been going so smoothly for me in the past few weeks. I've been going through a severe bout of depression and anxiety about my current standing and where I will be going in the future, and it has certainly been taking its toll on me emotionally and mentally.

For those that have never seen how I normally behave in public, I consider myself socially awkward, shy and easily distracted. I sometimes blend into the background, which is something that works for and against me. I can have conflicting wants and needs, often wanting some attention, but wanting everyone to leave me alone. It's downright crazy.

I've traced back most of my erratic emotional state to one recent event: my partner leaving me.

It wasn't really an eventful, or dramatic, breakup. It just happened spontaneously, for a reason that still makes no sense to me and continues to bring pain and distress to me today. I'm heavily conflicted by it. I've never felt the same after that. I thought I found someone worth my love, my care, my attention. I was over the moon. Overjoyed. Excited, even. I found someone who I could let close to me and share myself with on a deeply intimate level, and for people that know me quite well, that is something that happens almost never.

Alas, when I let people get that close to me, it also means that they have the potential to cause severe mental, emotional and physical harm through no fault of their own.

I don't know what I want anymore. I'm slowly coming to accept that after post-relationship talks with my ex, that I will no longer have him again, and that is a truly sad reality. It's like when a mother holds onto the corpse of their newborn, clutching it, sobbing and denying that it's gone, and when anyone tries to tell them otherwise, they become irrational and violent.

The idea that I will never see him again scares me. It frightens me. It is most certainly the most conflicting feeling I have ever felt. Anger. Depression. Sadness. Distress. It's a noxious cocktail that leaves one on the receiving end in a state worse than that of an alcohol-induced hangover.

What really hurts is not the breakup, but for the three months that I was with him, all my efforts to ensure that he was well tended after, seemed to all be in vain. When all the trust, love and attention I paid over those months, gets destroyed in a matter of days, then I just feel like it wasn't worth the effort. I could never see myself doing that again, and if I did, it would probably never have been made with the same effort I did this time around.

I'll give you another example. I have a transgender friend, who I found silent, arms crossed in front of them, head on the table, saying nothing, responding to nobody. I empathise with this person, not only for their situation, but due to the way they appear to handle it very similar to the way I would. When there's something I want that I know I can't have, and it bothers me, I do almost exactly the same thing. I become silent, withdrawn from all social contact. Mainly it's supposed to be a way of seeking some form of specific attention, but I become even more withdrawn when someone decides to pay it. If I hear my name, I ignore it. If someone touches me, I ignore it. If, and this is on the rare occasion, someone were to guess what I wanted and gave me exactly what I wanted, I'd still feel like crap. This…conflicting emotion, downward spiral just distresses me further. What do I want? What do I wish for? Why can't I get it?

I've come to realise that life, really is, fucking unfair. It's so fucking unfair that it affects the way we perceive things, thoughts and feelings. It's always been in our nature as human beings to want the things we can't have, and chase after the dangling carrot. This is how we advance as a race. This is how we achieve the impossible. This is why we are where we are today.

But sometimes, I get sick of chasing that fucking carrot, and instead I wish I could be in control. I could dangle the carrot.

I'm not a hard person to read. Any person that actually spent enough time studying my personality would know that despite my hard shell and almost steel resolve, I have a rather fragile core. I cry just like every other human being. I anger just like every other human being. I feel joy just like every other human being.

In the end, all I really want is what everyone else wants too. Love. Acceptance. Recognition. Respect.

I won't lie, the only thing keeping me sane at this moment is my job at Suncorp. Not because it puts money in my pocket, but because for the first fucking time in my fucking life, I'm actually getting feedback for my effort. Praise for my work ethic. My team leader and co workers love and respect me. I get recognition for my achievements as a customer service agent. It puts a smile on my face every time I manage to make a customer happy. I've actually received emails from my team leader, who receives reports from customers on the charter line, about how I handle their queries with professionalism and due care.

Once this job ends, then where will I go?

I don't know. Only one way to find out.