I guess I never really was good at expressing my feelings. I'm really not one to flirt, especially not in person, especially not with my friends. So really, it's not your fault for not knowing.

I didn't act too different around you, I s'pose...I never blushed when you smiled, or anything like that. But I'm not one to blush, either.

All I really did was try to make more eye contact, try to make you laugh, and try to be close to you...I guess that's normal for friends to do.

Regardless, you remained oblivious while I cried myself to sleep at night. That same pattern carried on for some time, until someone wonderful came into my life and made everything okay again.

And for a while, it was all good. Great, even. I was happy. Until I started to feel alone again, like I was becoming boring. I'm not sure what hurt more...That someone found me boring, or who it was who found me boring.

It doesn't matter, I suppose. I never told you about any of this, because while I knew you were accepting enough of homosexuality, I had no idea how you'd feel when you found out one of your friends was a lesbian.

So I drop-kicked the person who had saved me, and went on a wild streak of trying to make myself feel better.

Eventually, I figured out I wasn't happy. So I asked that person back, and she welcomed me back with open arms. But now I feel like that cruel old pattern is repeating itself...

I feel unloved again, like a novelty that gets old quickly. But I don't want to hurt her again. Because I do love her, however much it feels like I'm alone.

And I'm not saying she doesn't love me. Just that I have this fear that I'll grow boring. That she'll move on.

But I guess that doesn't matter, so long as she's happy in the end. I'd rather destroy myself mentally and emotionally than do that to another person. All that matters to me is that she finds happiness. With or without me.

As for you...I can't honestly say what I feel for you anymore. It's definitely not as strong as what I feel for her, but...Well. Everything is relative in the end, right?

Regardless, it really doesn't matter. I'll stand still in the place I am, and support her. I'll support you, too, as much as I can as a friend. And when I inevitably end up alone...Maybe then I'll allow myself to collapse, to break.

You might wonder why I'm addressing you, instead of anyone else....It's simple though, really. You'll never see this. I can keep smiling like I'm alright, and you can keep believing I'm alright. Everyone can keep believing I'm alright.

Because that's my job, right? That's who I'm supposed to be; the strong one. The supportive one. The one who'll stand for you, and her, and everyone I know, as long as you, she, they, ask.

Of course, that's over-glorifying myself. Because none one really needs me. I'm just convenient. I make things easier for people, when I just comply. And I think I'm finally okay with that.

So...I guess that's it. Talking to you more won't do me any good, I think. But it was nice to say all that I've said. Even if it won't change anything.

I'll always be there for you, for her, for them, as long as I can.

Because you're a great friend. I love her. And they're counting on me.

I can take it for now. Even when I can't anymore, it won't matter. Everyone I care about will be long gone.

And somehow, everyone still thinks I'm okay.

Funny, that.