A lot of things have been put into retrospect for me lately, but sadly it still isn't enough to make me feel different, if you get that. Oddly I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I don't talk to friends often, I keep to myself, to many things that cause me to think bad of myself. I seriously have low self-esteem issues, also a serious lack of motivation. a lot of anxiety, and depression. I think that is caused by the ecstasy bing I had when my grandma died. I'm glad I didn't go higher then that. I have a long road ahead of me too, and right now I want it to come quicker. I want something to challenge me in life, sadly I might be pushed into extreme's situations for that soon.

After losing my last job due to stupidity I lost the car I had which sucked. I knew I should of moved when I had the money. I really dunno if I have bad depression or what, but my lack of motivation I feel is because of my situation in life, living space, and the people around me. I feel like I need to break from where I'm and just start a fresh new life. Kind of hard though with a lot of problems blocking my way.

Sadly I don't have parents to really "help" me, or give me the backbone/protection that I feel I "need" to have to be on my own. Hard to explain that, but basically just knowing your parents will catch you when you fall/fail is what I want, but I don't have, except through my friends. I also know though that if you keep on holding onto something to tight, it keeps a hold of you. I want to be independent, but I feel like I can't. I'm probably right though, or maybe I'm just crazy. either way, I feel like I'm not fit to be in a normal society.

making my self succeed is something I'm not very well successful in. Honestly I wish I had a better life. I don't like myself, and it hurts. I dunno what to do with myself, and soon I'll have to make some decisions that I'm not going to like. Probably in less then a month. I dunno what to do about it, so I'm stressing badly, which I think is what's causing my insomnia and anxiety.