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Random Ranting
13 years ago
First and foremost, I expect no response to this journal. In fact I ask you don't really. This is just a way for me to rant and release a bit of pent up steam. So please, just leave it as it is. No 'hugs' comments or anything of the like. Just respect it for what it is. A tired, headache plagued kitsune who is in need of a release valve being opened.
I feel like I have failed a lot of people. For reasons too numerous to relate, and some of which are intensely personal. My life, as a whole, has been a catalog of ruined potential due to my own ill thought out actions. And because of this, I feel as though I have let down so many. My mother and grandmother who expected so much more from me. My teachers in school who knew I would be great only for me to fall to obscurity. Even my cat, whom I failed by never bringing her with me here. And for whom the last things I whispered to her before I left was "I love you and Ill be back, I promise." Only to not be there ever again, even as she was taking her last breathes.
Second: I am... so sorry to those of you who find me annoying. For those of you who know me the closest, I know I can be... loud. Talkative to a point of annoyance.. and desperately clingy at times for attention. I often find myself staring at a conversation in which I have spammed a dozen lines or more to which a response is slow in coming, if at all, and I feel a pang of terrible guilt that I am annoying someone. I dont ever want to be 'that person' that someone complains about to their friends in another window. Like "Omg, Hikari wont leave me alone. She never shuts up." I will be going back to my personal rule of "IM me first or I wont IM you unless it is important." Because as stupid as it may seem, even seeing the words "Busy" or "Not now." string and hurt. I respect people's need to be left alone. And I will do so to a fault. But the rejection still hurts and so my old rules go back into place.
And to those of you who IM me, and I am short to respond, slow, or not at all... I am sorry as well. I never mean to ignore anyone. I see what you said, and in my head, I have given a response... yet when I tab back to a window I find it empty and I feel terrible. So to you my friends, I have also failed.
Art has become such a chore for me. I begin a piece, I enjoy it, and then I remember.. "Oh... I have to do such and such for so and so" and suddenly... all drive within me dies. Even my own personal piece feels like a guilty sin to be worked on while a commission hangs above my head. And yet... Commissions are some of the only extra income we get. If I refuse a commission, I refuse food or bill money. And so I feel horribly obligated and that again, kills my desire. To those of you who have commissioned me, in the past and the present, I am sorry it takes so long for your paid for service to be completed. I really am. It eats at me like a gnawing worm of guilt.
Secondlife: I love Anthro Xtacy. I have worked at the club for well over two years. I have been their Events Manager for almost a year. Creating the dreams of other peoples event ideas makes me smile. My time there hasnt all been roses. And I have often thought of leaving more then once for various reasons. But I still love the club as it stands.
I love Drekiheim. When Matthias proposed the idea of the sim to me when I first told him that Alta was for sale, I was excited to be included in this fantastic world he had inside his head, and honored that he allowed me to help him craft it with my fumbling building skills. And while it has been slow to grow, what it has become is something that I am so very, very happy about. Working with Mat to see his dream world made into the 3D lands of Drekiheim has brought me countless joy. I know the sim isnt perfect. No sim is, but Matthias has created something special there. Something I hope we can continue to keep alive, despite the many headaches we have endured and will yet endure.
That being said.... I still feel like I have failed in some way. Every small problem that arises I instantly feel as though it is some how my fault. Even though, logically, I know it is not. But for those times in which it has been... I apologize. To Myth, Ty, Mae, Lolin, Geire, Matthias... To all of you. I am sorry for the many times I have failed you in some way. Every time I do, a little piece of me dies. And I have a paralyzing, crippling fear that some how, some way... I will make someone irrevocably angry and loose what few fragile friendships I keep. Because its happened in the past.. and the pain of loosing a friend, even one who is as disposable as some random name on the screen, it cuts me deeper then any knife wound could hope to do. When I call you friend, I do not do so lightly and I can count upon one hand, all those who I would consider close friends. My friends online, are the only friends I have. As pathetic as that sounds, and I know it sounds horribly pathetic, its painfully true. I know many of my 'friends' perhaps do not as closely value my friendship to them as I do.. and that hurts. And reminds me yet again how utterly pathetic my life has become in comparison to a 'normal' person. And yet, for what friendship you do give me, the ears you bend to listen to my fears, joys, pains, sorrows... Thank you. For you are all wonderful, even if we do not often speak as much as we should. Or if I speak to you far too often.
Well... I feel a little bit better now. Again, please no comments. Just let this sit as it is. A tired kitsu letting her mind ramble.
I feel like I have failed a lot of people. For reasons too numerous to relate, and some of which are intensely personal. My life, as a whole, has been a catalog of ruined potential due to my own ill thought out actions. And because of this, I feel as though I have let down so many. My mother and grandmother who expected so much more from me. My teachers in school who knew I would be great only for me to fall to obscurity. Even my cat, whom I failed by never bringing her with me here. And for whom the last things I whispered to her before I left was "I love you and Ill be back, I promise." Only to not be there ever again, even as she was taking her last breathes.
Second: I am... so sorry to those of you who find me annoying. For those of you who know me the closest, I know I can be... loud. Talkative to a point of annoyance.. and desperately clingy at times for attention. I often find myself staring at a conversation in which I have spammed a dozen lines or more to which a response is slow in coming, if at all, and I feel a pang of terrible guilt that I am annoying someone. I dont ever want to be 'that person' that someone complains about to their friends in another window. Like "Omg, Hikari wont leave me alone. She never shuts up." I will be going back to my personal rule of "IM me first or I wont IM you unless it is important." Because as stupid as it may seem, even seeing the words "Busy" or "Not now." string and hurt. I respect people's need to be left alone. And I will do so to a fault. But the rejection still hurts and so my old rules go back into place.
And to those of you who IM me, and I am short to respond, slow, or not at all... I am sorry as well. I never mean to ignore anyone. I see what you said, and in my head, I have given a response... yet when I tab back to a window I find it empty and I feel terrible. So to you my friends, I have also failed.
Art has become such a chore for me. I begin a piece, I enjoy it, and then I remember.. "Oh... I have to do such and such for so and so" and suddenly... all drive within me dies. Even my own personal piece feels like a guilty sin to be worked on while a commission hangs above my head. And yet... Commissions are some of the only extra income we get. If I refuse a commission, I refuse food or bill money. And so I feel horribly obligated and that again, kills my desire. To those of you who have commissioned me, in the past and the present, I am sorry it takes so long for your paid for service to be completed. I really am. It eats at me like a gnawing worm of guilt.
Secondlife: I love Anthro Xtacy. I have worked at the club for well over two years. I have been their Events Manager for almost a year. Creating the dreams of other peoples event ideas makes me smile. My time there hasnt all been roses. And I have often thought of leaving more then once for various reasons. But I still love the club as it stands.
I love Drekiheim. When Matthias proposed the idea of the sim to me when I first told him that Alta was for sale, I was excited to be included in this fantastic world he had inside his head, and honored that he allowed me to help him craft it with my fumbling building skills. And while it has been slow to grow, what it has become is something that I am so very, very happy about. Working with Mat to see his dream world made into the 3D lands of Drekiheim has brought me countless joy. I know the sim isnt perfect. No sim is, but Matthias has created something special there. Something I hope we can continue to keep alive, despite the many headaches we have endured and will yet endure.
That being said.... I still feel like I have failed in some way. Every small problem that arises I instantly feel as though it is some how my fault. Even though, logically, I know it is not. But for those times in which it has been... I apologize. To Myth, Ty, Mae, Lolin, Geire, Matthias... To all of you. I am sorry for the many times I have failed you in some way. Every time I do, a little piece of me dies. And I have a paralyzing, crippling fear that some how, some way... I will make someone irrevocably angry and loose what few fragile friendships I keep. Because its happened in the past.. and the pain of loosing a friend, even one who is as disposable as some random name on the screen, it cuts me deeper then any knife wound could hope to do. When I call you friend, I do not do so lightly and I can count upon one hand, all those who I would consider close friends. My friends online, are the only friends I have. As pathetic as that sounds, and I know it sounds horribly pathetic, its painfully true. I know many of my 'friends' perhaps do not as closely value my friendship to them as I do.. and that hurts. And reminds me yet again how utterly pathetic my life has become in comparison to a 'normal' person. And yet, for what friendship you do give me, the ears you bend to listen to my fears, joys, pains, sorrows... Thank you. For you are all wonderful, even if we do not often speak as much as we should. Or if I speak to you far too often.
Well... I feel a little bit better now. Again, please no comments. Just let this sit as it is. A tired kitsu letting her mind ramble.
~*~*~*~*~ Mah Peepals ~*~*~*~*~
As the iron becomes stronger with each reforge, so too do our failures make us better people. Fail or not, going through these experiences makes you a better person. Hell, even realizing it at this stage in the game is a leg up on other people.
I can think of a lot of different people, SL or otherwise, that can't see that in themselves. They wander through life aimlessly, wondering if they can get to the next place or not.
but YOU can. You can make it to wherever you want to go, failures or not. :P
There. I tried to be deep and understanding. Go laugh now. You probably need it.