Hey, just trying to "touch base", so to speak, as things have been ... a blur, really. A very, very sleep-deprived mind-muddling blur.

I'm trying to remember when the insanity all started ... I think around my first day of training, give or take. It's all just been so non-stop, that I just can't remember the last time I came up for air. An -actual- breath, not a desperate fleeting gasp before going back under. Between work and being social again, and doing it all on next to no sleep because of horrible insomnia causing a further inability to focus on anything once the activity has come to a halt ... my memories of activities that have passed for over a week now are little more than a confusing fast-paced haze.

I honestly can't remember any -truly- lucid moments of actual free time, where I did any "me stuff" that I was actually able to enjoy for any extended period of time without my brain swiftly flat-lining in the attempt. A lot of people whose only way of getting a hold of me is online have barely heard a -thing- from me in a long while, and I'm usually very on top of that throughout the day, nearly -every- day. I don't like that all of that is beginning to fall by the wayside due to my own addle-brained derping. I have a real-world social life, that's true. And that's very important to have, to be a healthy, mentally-sound human being ... but there are people in my life who are -equally- important to me that I -can't- physically interact with. And it simply isn't fair for them to just be pushed out of the picture like this.

And nor is it healthy for me to keep pushing myself at this manic pace, without a moment to recollect myself. I've gone from one extreme to the other. At first, I was hermitting, out of emotional instability and psychological destruction, caught in the grip of a stifling depression (from which, admittedly, I'm still working my way out of, albeit prolly not in the best of ways, given my level of sensitivity lately). Now, I'm going full-throttle, pedal to the floor, without a single moment's pause. I need to slam on the brakes...

Tomorrow is my last scheduled work day for this weekend. After that, I'm going to be -entirely- unavailable IRL for the rest of this week, as I force my mind to finally stop spinning and come to a long-awaited merciful halt. Means I'm gonna hafta cancel some things that I had originally been planning on doing, but ... enough is enough.

During this time, I will sit down and construct an alternating "schedule" of my real-life activities from week to week, balanced as harmoniously as possible with my online ones, while allowing time in between to myself to "recharge". Because what's happening is a self-feeding cycle. My insomnia is triggered by stress. And I'm stressed because I'm unable to rest in between my activities. And the less I sleep, the less mentally functional I become, and thus becoming further stressed. And so on, and so on, and so on.

I need to find balance, during what's still a really delicate time for me. I've ... been through a lot. For a -very- long time, and it's taken a toll. I can't "handle" as much as I used to, for as long as I used to be able to. 5+ days a week of constant go, go, go for over 6 hours in most cases is just too much stimulus for me when I'm in such a vulnerable state. But likewise, huddling away in a dark corner without any activity at all is just as toxic, and so there needs to be balance. HEALTHY balance.

A lot of people very much want my time and attention, and are clammering to want to spend time with me, either online or real-life. Please, please, PLEASE don't feel bad or guilty for wanting to spend time with me or talk to me. It really does mean a lot to me that people care about me and miss me -that- much. And within moderation, I -really- enjoy it very, very much. But regretfully ... I'm just one bearwolf, shouldering a -lot- of things right now, and I can't be everywhere at once, in a perpetual state of go. Not without making myself physically and psychologically ill.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna vanish on anybody I just ... need to return myself to sanity, so I can be a good friend/mate/family member to the people who care about me. I don't like how scatter-brained and prone to memory loss and fatigue I've become as of late. The fact that I can scarcely recall any specific details further back than a day or two at a time really ... scares me. And literally being "too tired to sleep" just feels utterly insane to me ... but it's been nothing but true, for a long while.

So ... gimme a chance to "cool down", guys, and squeeze in some "me time" while I try to ground myself and reintroduce some order into this chaos I've worked myself into. I prolly won't be updating with any new journals until I finally have everything sorted out, but little by little, people who haven't heard from me either online or through texts will finally start getting messages from me again during my downtime, as my mental stability returns through a state of calm and restful sleep (for a change).

Hope you guys can be patient with me, while I try to sort this mess out and get my psychological state out of 'tarded mode. Just ... gimme some time.