OK so this review is suuuuuuuuuper late. I've been pushing back my reviews so I could work on my artwork of AC. Since that makes me money and this doesn't....yet, then art gets the highest priority.
I am going to be skipping the Men in Black review and Snow White simply cause I don't have the time. But id give MIB3 a **1/2 for having actual heart in the story a couple good jokes and aliens but not much else and Snow White and the Huntsman gets *** for real effort, absolutely gorgeous visuals and effects, great villain, but confused narrative and heros that seemed to get flatter as the movie goes. I would still love to see more movies like Snow White because this is how fairy tales were originally meant to be told.

I will still be writing a review for Prometheus and then Brave so look out for those!

Tell me what you thought of the movie and the review in the comments! Do it or your destroyer is fucked! That's what she said?

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Battleship
*½

The Hasbro toy company now has their very own studio production logo. Be afraid my fellow readers, be very... afraid. To those who are unfamiliar of the times that the appearance of a CD on screen looked seemed like the first wheel to the cavemen. Product placement in movies and television and even video games did not exist in the modern sense until 1985’s The Goonies when Corey Feldman took a drink from a can of Pepsi. Thankfully he resisted the urge to turn to the camera and give a poster child smile and twinkle. The thing is that The Goonies also has pirates, bandits, the truffle shuffle and the physics defying “pincers of power”; so its marketing sellout is well looked over. Battleship on the other hand keeps kick ass Jedi-Lion Jesus amongst men Liam Neeson on one side of a glass wall, while sub-par Han Sol- I mean John Carter, gets to play with all of Neeson’s army toys.

If you’re going to want to enjoy Battleship, then you’re either need to be as drunk as the movie’s director or dilute your brain in a bucket Coca-cola (now available in six packs!) for a day or two. It’s not even five minutes in when there is already a massive plot hole regarding the origins of these aliens. I wish they would’ve stayed where they came from because these are some of the worst looking alien designs I have ever seen. They build up to what these aliens look like by concealing them in armour ripped off from Haze, which is already a rip off of Halo. So of course, when you see under their helmets, of course the previous build up is going to be a complete rip because pasty ‘Under da Sea’ beatniks made from Spam should always just stick to radio. Given their confusing motives and baffling modes of transportation, I don’t even know how they could have ever mastered space travel. The inclusion of real military tactics in the aliens, mainly the minimalizing of civilian casualties, tries to set up the aliens as complex beings, but really it’s just showing that they don’t know how to prioritize. I as well have never heard of an alien ship that can travel through space but then can only hover over water and proceed to travel around by flopping like a dainty humpback whale. Wait now, I could just be being unfair, maybe the studio had some extra money left over and just wanted to show more water effects. It’s a good thing they saved all that money that was gonna go into the writing department. Oh right, I forgot to mention, SPOILER WARNING, but it`s not like you`re gonna go see anyways. I wish a majority of my brain cells had died before seeing this movie because then I wouldn’t be constantly thinking of how Experiment 626, also known as Disney`s Stitch, is a much more threatening alien than any of these super soaker adds.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned any of the actors or human characters yet, it’s because the only interesting thing to happen to them is the quest for the chicken burrito. I know that the writers and director were trying to create unique and memorable characters, but in the end I just didn’t care about any of them. In fact I think the only reason they have aliens in a movie called Battleship, where they could have easily just told a historical war story, is so producers can avoid any sort of human conflict that might arise from class or race. Strangely enough though, it seemed to draw even more attention to the racial profiling issue by tiptoeing around it than it would have if it had addressed it directly. Bunch of American and Japanese navy recruits have a friendly game of soccer not too far from Pearl Harbour and then dropping that name many times after. The Americans then work with the Japanese as if history never happened and then even call the Japanese military techniques “sneaky” (face palm). I’m not trying to debase the Japanese or their culture, but if you’re going to include the race card, then play it by address it. It`s worse when you act like you can’t smell the fart from a sickly dog and decide to stay in the same room because you don`t want offend it.

Oddly enough though, these aren’t even the biggest sins that Battleship commits. For a movie based exclusively around a children’s toy it doesn’t even market it well. Granted when the movie actually finds a clever way of writing in the Battleship game, it does make for a real intense scene, but that’s only for at most ten minutes of the movie. After that we’re back to beatniks inserting their hard pegs into the ship’s bowels, causing them to explode with powerful force... seamen scattering everywhere... what was I talking about again? Well this movie does do a great job of immersing its audience into its world. There were at least three times I actually forgot I was watching a movie about a children’s board game and actually thought I was instead watching navy recruit video. You can literally put the words ‘JOIN THE NAVY MOTHERFUCKER’ and it would seem totally appropriate. But hey, at least they show an accurate depiction of what it’s like to be in the military. The air force totally blows up alien ships in perfect Snow Birds formation, right? (That’s the Blue Angels for my American friends). Well they give them the recruits the respect they deserve right? Of course they do, that’s why they have that previously mentioned game of soccer with a bunch of seamen at naval event called RIMPAC. And no, they don’t even say the line, because, you know, that would mean the American military would have to show a miniscule amount of weakness, at fucking Pearl Harbour!