The positive side to life right now is that I have two social groups going now that get me out of the house and have either A) Introduced me to new people or B) Given me some form of outlet with which to cope with my current life situation. I'm legitimately happy about both these groups, and I don't intend for this journal to come off any other way, but the other side of life, reality I guess you'd say, is a little rougher atm.

Issue #1: Financially, though I've kept myself more than perfectly afloat for the last 5 months (holy mother fuck) of unemployment, now is the time where my finances kind of shit out. In the course of the move I've gone from 1500$ in saving to a remaining balance of 125$. Needless to say this has me a little stressed :/ And being honest this is my sole focal point for most of the anxiety I've been having lately. My original set up was spposed to be I move, my parents fit the bill and put me through school and into a car, I get a part time job, I stockpile hella bank for the next two years and then I use the savings along with me newly aquired AA to ship myself back to WA to continue my education at UW. What has ACTUALLY happened is 1) I had to help with shipping costs to transport my stuff (which came to a grand total of over 700$ - my plane ticket). I had to put money down for my car AND accept payments (700$ towards the down and a lil over 400 a mo in payments and insurance). I got a 400$ speeding ticket (which was complete bull :/). And lastly with school looming over my head I was informed I may need to fork over for that as well...
The KICKER to all this is that when I got my job, it took them 2 weeks to schedule me in which I DIDN'T claim unemployment and have since (over 3 weeks later) not claimed any unemployment. So what has wound up happening is in the last 3 or so weeks, I haven't had an income, yet I've had expenses to cover which has ultimately sapped away all my money. :/

Issue #2: I got a job (woo), but as previously stated it wasn't as quick on the pick up to schedule me and actually get me earning money. To top it off the hours have been low (granted I've been training) and the tips (though this is a lil trivial) are near non-existent. This kind of ties back into my financial issue, but what my ultimate problem is going to be is this: I intended to work full time through summer up until I start school in the fall, because once that happens, education takes precedence and I'll more than likely be cutting back my hours. If I don't have the work jam packed in before then, my finances WON'T recover and I'll be starting into the next two years of my life kind of a step BEHIND the game.
Out of the financial aspect, I find the job itself a little blah. Call it me being homesick or my mounting stress issues making me wonky, but I miss the familiarity and security of my last job (which I've recently been uber depressing and kicking myself over losing in the first place...again...). I've been thinking of taking up a second job to balance my finances out, and am severely considering applying and hounding the local olive garden. I think one of my issues being down here right now is I lack something familiar that I can kind of latch onto and zen with outside of poi that is practical and fulfilling. On the job aspect I went from basically running my position and the other people in it 40 hrs a week, raking in a good 600$ a week to being unemployed for 5 months (kinda my fault after not taking the job offer I had in redmond like I should have) and then getting shipped out of my usual environment and 'safe' zone. I miss my job, going in for 9 hours a shift and doing the work I did. I actually enjoyed it. And though I'm sure I'll be able to do the same with the job I currently have, I'm just a lil shell shocked and stressed atm and it's causing me issues on the whole 'edging into' front.

Issue #3: Flat out: I'm homesick. I have my mom constantly badgering me about how I grew up here and my family is here and that's what I should be caring about, but truth be told especially after the last 2 years of my life in Bakersfield before my move, I could really care less about this town, the people I went to school with, my extended family and even the majority of my old high school friends. I FINALLY had a friend of mine from highschool come up to me the other day and apologize for being a dick to me all through school and making my social life back then a lving hell. After all the people like that that I put up with over the years NOONE ELSE has done ANYTHING like that :/
Off all the people I'm having issue with having issues with right now, it's my actual family. I spend my life down here either A) finding excuses to stay out of the house as long as I can or B) closetting myself in my room mostly because I just dont want to deal with them. I hate it because I don't like having that outlook but ultimately its just so AWKWARD living with them again and having to have moved in the first place and I DON'T KNOW how to deal with it properly :/
Bakersfield is my hometown. But my HOME isn't here. I'd like to say it's in Seattle where I started to actually build a life for myself as a (hopefully responsible) adult. But having moved back, I just feel like I've backtracked a baggilion paces to a place where I'm constantly uncomfortale with my surrounding and just generally unhappy :/ Yeah, I was depressed in WA. I lost my MATE...the guy I card about more than anyone else in my life at the time. But at least there, even though I could still be a whiny bitch on my social network, I had people and things that could make my life actually enjoyable on a fairly regular basis. Down here, even though I'm starting to build SOMETHING for myself, it's not the same as I think only 1 or two of them actually know my history over the last year and how hard it's actually been on me to deal with personally :/

Issue #4: I miss my ex. A year later, I still cry over the guy when I go to bed. I still bug him every chance I get and I'm still severely emotionally attached in a way that makes it impossible for me to move on into some other form of relationship. Over the past month I've had a handful of guys hit on me, or try to woo me with whatever means they wana use, or even just try the typical laid back approach (that I prefer) and I just blow them all off (politely ._.) because I can't give other people any sort of emotional connection :/ I honestly don't really care on that last part. I personally don't plan on dating anyone while I'm living down here, nor do I intend to let the idea of that really flower anywhere, but it's still unnerving for me to deal with. Especially when half the time I feel like the person that causes this major internal conflict doesn't even feel the same way :/ It's kinda like this big masochistic circle where, even with the knowledge of the other guys feelings and knowing that he doesn't always treat me nicely for whatever reason, I can't drop him as something that's bad for me, and in turn it kinda ultimately and permanently ruins my social relationships (both romantic and none). Ionno. My feelings on this aspect are really skewed and I dunno how to really handle them :/ Point being I'm still majorly hung up on something I've been hung up on and the move has only seemed to exacerbate the difficulty now that I'm more often than not alone with my issues with no constant and good outlets to cope with like I had in WA :/

I'm not trying to whine. I just needed t vent is all. It helps me get my thoughts organized so I can deal with shit better in my head, and it DOES make me feel better. I'm still trying really hard to cope with the change in my lifestyle and living situations but it's only been a month, and something this drastic, especially with all the past issues and emotions attached to it, isn't something that just ties itself off and becomes instantly bearable. I'm doing my best to MAKE the best out of it; I'm just going to have litle bumps sometimes and this is one of those bumps.

AS ALWAYS: IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH ME FOR ANY REASON, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF MY POSTS, PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND UNFOLLOW ME FROM YOUR ACCOUNT. I'M HEAR TO VENT, NOT TO CAUSE OR RECEIVE DRAMA BECAUSE OF IT.

To everyone else, thanks for stopping by.
~xCetra