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The Pain Won't Go Away....
13 years ago
General
I know, for my first journal, it's rather cruddy to be about me being angsty, but I can't sit on this anymore.....
I miss you damnit.... I think about you every day.... I think about the good times we had together... I think about the laughs, the fun, the silly things... I think about all the talks we had at absurd hours in the morning after you would bring me home.... I remember playing in the surf in La Jolla when you had to save both us girls from getting hauled out to sea... I remember playing with the other furries, and being silly and spontaneous together....
I will never forget where I was when I was told what happened......
Why.... Why did you have to go! Why did you have to leave! Why did you have to go before I could tell you I was sorry!? Why did you have to go so suddenly and leave us all here with bleeding hearts wondering why!?!
You were too good of a man to go the way you did, when you did, how you did. You should have been with us for decades to come, raising hell, and being the heart of the party!
Why couldn't I have just let foolish pride go and fix things.... Why did I have to squander the last months of your life holding on to nonsense grudges and an ego over our friendship.... Why did I have to be so stupid....
Now there's no saying I'm sorry... Now there's no fixing it.... Now there's no telling you anymore how much you mean to me. Now there's no telling you that you were my best friend. There's no telling you how much you meant to me. There's no telling you how much you helped me, how much you were there for me, how much I counted on you. There's no going back and fixing it. This is permanent. This is goodbye. And I can't stand it....
It's been almost 5 months now since you left, and my heart is still broken.... I still break down in tears over you. I'm sitting here listening to rain pound on my windows at 4:30 in the morning crying my eyes out because the pain won't go away. I can't make it stop. I can't stop the pain. I can't fix it. There's just a gaping hole in my heart where you're suppose to be....
Why, Vex.... Why..... Why did you have to go....
I miss you so much.....
TT^TT
I miss you damnit.... I think about you every day.... I think about the good times we had together... I think about the laughs, the fun, the silly things... I think about all the talks we had at absurd hours in the morning after you would bring me home.... I remember playing in the surf in La Jolla when you had to save both us girls from getting hauled out to sea... I remember playing with the other furries, and being silly and spontaneous together....
I will never forget where I was when I was told what happened......
Why.... Why did you have to go! Why did you have to leave! Why did you have to go before I could tell you I was sorry!? Why did you have to go so suddenly and leave us all here with bleeding hearts wondering why!?!
You were too good of a man to go the way you did, when you did, how you did. You should have been with us for decades to come, raising hell, and being the heart of the party!
Why couldn't I have just let foolish pride go and fix things.... Why did I have to squander the last months of your life holding on to nonsense grudges and an ego over our friendship.... Why did I have to be so stupid....
Now there's no saying I'm sorry... Now there's no fixing it.... Now there's no telling you anymore how much you mean to me. Now there's no telling you that you were my best friend. There's no telling you how much you meant to me. There's no telling you how much you helped me, how much you were there for me, how much I counted on you. There's no going back and fixing it. This is permanent. This is goodbye. And I can't stand it....
It's been almost 5 months now since you left, and my heart is still broken.... I still break down in tears over you. I'm sitting here listening to rain pound on my windows at 4:30 in the morning crying my eyes out because the pain won't go away. I can't make it stop. I can't stop the pain. I can't fix it. There's just a gaping hole in my heart where you're suppose to be....
Why, Vex.... Why..... Why did you have to go....
I miss you so much.....
TT^TT
I do it. Sometimes I just talk to the sky, to my old friends, my old family. I always think back and reflect on things.
And when I look at them, I just wish that hopefully, what I do here and now are things that they can look upon and be proud of me.
As long as we progress, and keep them in our hearts, they will know.
It is good to think back on the memories, whether good or bad or both. It just adds more to the experience of being with them in life. Even with the disputes we have had, I still am glad that we did argue, because with those arguments you get to see how that person truly feels, and you see their spirit and emotion with it.
Believe me, he hears you.
I know this sounds pathetically emo, but I wish I could offer something that my old friends and family could be proud of.... My life is so screwed up right now and going nowhere I feel like I'm nothing more than a waste of space, no matter how hard I try to not be... It's infuriating and frustrating to the point of tears....
You're right, it' is important to look back on the memories, good and bad. It's important to keep them alive in our hearts and we do that through memory. The only thing is, I wish the only argument he and I ever had hadn't been the last words we said face to face..... That hurts more than anything....
*hugs* Thank you for the kind words Razzle. I appreciate your kindness and caring. It means a lot.
Remember when the wind blows, that's him on the other side. He's there. I've cried myself to sleep a few times. It's hard to think of the future without him. Elena was here a couple weeks ago and we went to her family BBQ thing and it was at the house with the woman that kicked them out.. I couldn't help but begrudge her for him dying. I was thinking on all the times we spent there with playing Pokemon and watching Netflix. Spending the nights and going to League with them. We did so much in that house and all the memories were brought back. I told 2 people that night that Vex was killed and I hadn't done it since he died. There was some bathroom crying I did that night.
No one knows the God's or Goddess' reasons for taking Vex. All we know is they did. We have to live without him. And it might seem hard right now, everything's falling apart. But hon, he's up there as your guardian angel now, smiling upon us and wishing us the best. I love you, girl. I'm gonna start sending you weekly messages to check in on things. I want to hear from you more, whether it's a sentence, ranting about your 'husband,' or if you need a little moral support. I'm here for you.
Hope that my little anecdote helped a little.
I do try to remember the good times. I try to remember the happy, and smile, but it all feels so bittersweet because of how badly I screwed everything up in the end over my foolish pride. Gods, what I wouldn't give to have 5 more minutes with him, one phone conversation, ANYTHING, to be able to tell him that I was sorry, and that I wanted to just move on and be his best friend again, like old times. I'd give anything to hear from his lips that he forgave me for being so foolish and arrogant. I have asked for his guidance, his strength. I've asked to see him in a dream and speak with him. I've only seen him once, and that was in the days after the accident. I haven't felt him since. But I'm not surprised. He's got Elena to still care for, and I'm sure that's where he spends the vast majority of his time.
I've done a lot of reminiscing about all the good times we had in that big two story house they use to live in. Looking back through photos and laughing through the tears. Laughing even though my heart is breaking all over again.
I don't need to know the reason why the spirits took him from us, I only wish they'd given us a little more time. Especially Serpy. If anyone deserved more time with him, it was her.
Thanks for being so supportive, given everything that happened. I really appreciate your willingness to forgive, Sin. *hugs tight* It means a lot to have you as a friend again. It really, truly does.
You can thank Vex for the forgiving part of it all. If it wasn't for him and his kind nature, I wouldn't have learned to forgive and forget. It's sad and unfortunate to say, but, I learned more through his passing than he taught me while he was alive.. Or maybe he did teach me. I just didn't realize it, yet.
The biggest lesson I learned from his passing is to not let my ego and pride ruin a friendship. I'll never let it happen willingly again.... That, and treasure every day you have, because you never know when it's your last....