I love her still...even though we broke apart...i feel so selfish saying that i want her back in my life...i want her back with me...i want to feel my arms around her...taste the gentle touch of her lips on mine...its driving me insane feeling this way...i have tried to move on...but i cant do it...so i remain...single...alone...sad...terrified...waiting like i waited for her once before...hoping, praying for a love that will probably never accept me back...we drove each other away....we pushed and pushed until we fell apart...there is no single bad guy here...we are both at fault...and we realize that....what tears me up the most is when she talks to me...sometimes she acts and talks like nothing is wrong...we flirt, we laugh...we hold each other...even though we are hundreds of hundreds of miles apart...and then...other days it seems that she doesnt even recognize me and its throwing me around...i know she doesnt want me back now....but i want to know...someday...will we be together again? shes the only woman i have ever loved like i love...the is the first woman i have ever wanted to actually spend the rest of my life with....night after night goes by...i stare at pictures of her for hours on end...it sounds creepy..but i cant help it...i love her...with all that i am...she asked me last night "..where did we go wrong.. why did we let this fall this far.." and...i cried....i cried so long...and didnt let it show...because...even though i told her " i guess...we both got a little lost...and....well...its just taking time for us to find each other again...." i still dont know if that is the right answer...because i dont know...i dont know anything....all of this is my fault...i know it is...she tried to tell me otherwise the other night...i told her its my fault shes so stressed right now...its my fault that she just got out of a horrible relationship after a week with the new guy....its my fault shes angry...its my fault for all of this....if only i had not done what i did...if i hadnt have taken that drink....if only i hadnt have let the stress break me like it did....i tried to take it all from her...i knew she was stressed out..with her family issues, with her school issues, with her trying to find a job...so i let her take it out on me because i knew it would help her feel better...and then...it got too much for me...and so i kept going i kept trying to be the best that i could and one night...i broke...and when i did it was catastrophic....i drank and drank and drank because i thought it would help dull the pain..but all it did was make me say things that i still cant sleep right over....im so scared...i lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling until the sun comes up before i fall asleep...and even then i sleep for maybe a couple hours before the misery starts all over again....im becoming a burden on everyone....i have so much pain and strife thats pent up...not just from her..but from years from my family and stress from them years upon years of stress and that night it all broke loose like a poorly built dam...shes got me with one wave of her hand...im wrapped tightly around her finger....people keep telling me to move on...that shes just using me..and this is all just one big game for her...but i want to believe otherwise...thats why i try so hard to make things right again, because shes all i had left to live for...she was the only thing that got me up in the morning...the only thing that kept me on the path to success....now...i have nothing...sure i have friends that are willing to help me through it all...but now its just getting to a point to where no matter what encouraging words they say...its just falling empty upon my ears...i am empty...my life is empty...im so scared that im going to lose her to someone else again....i tried to win her heart back..and it wasnt enough..and she got with someone else...and they turned around and broke her....im so afraid that the next man is going to use her again..break her more and tear her to a point where no one will be able to have her...im so scared because i love her....all i want to be is the man she loves and the man who will bring her back up to the light...but...im so afraid..that im not enough anymore....because i broke her....and i never meant to...the person i was that night when i broke up with her...when i told her to get the fuck out of my life...it wasnt me....it was a scared, drunk broken bastard with nothing left to live for...and that isnt me....and i fear there is nothing left i can do to convince her otherwise....it just seems i am cursed to live a life, doomed to be miserable, stricken and made lame, chained down to never be able to be happy again....all because i took a fucking drink that i was told by my friends...would help me feel better about everything.....it was a lie....I love you Jen...with all my heart....i just wish...that she would read this and realize that i still love her and i want only the best for her...i want her to realize what all this has done to me...but...even if she did...i still dont think it would work....i didnt work before when i let my heart out....why would it work now?