I think it's going to kill me. I am vomiting, shaking, and sore. I'm a mess on so many levels. He is too afraid to contact me and doesn't trust me enough to see me. It's over. All I want is my stuff back now. I want to move on with my life. Find someone who cares enough about my health to make sure I am eating properly. Someone who doesn't rub his events in my face and someone who doesn't blame things like what has happened entirely on me. I went through all the trouble to try and get all of this dropped because I wanted nothing like this to happen. Sorry that this state sucks. But what is worse is his lack of trust and his lack of awareness. I've lost too much weight to be healthy. I don't want the relationship to end but I think it's unhealthy for me to keep hanging on. I'de go to the ends of the earth for him but I have found it's not the same for him.

I'm feeling scared and my heart really hurts. I can't tell you how upsetting this is, as there are no words in any language that can describe accurately how I feel and what I am going through. It's just pain. What I find funny is he is the one that changed our status back to engaged and yet he knows I have no food and he goes out and buys a tablet. Yes, really, I feel the concern for my well being, really I do. I didn't ask for this. Soon, I will be probably going to the hospital whether I really want to or not. I wonder how he will feel then.

To top the cake off i've been e-mailed by people whom have no buisness e-mailing me. Trying to kick me while I am down. I find that's when everyone wants to point and laugh and judge your life like anyone has the right to do that. I've deleted some people off my lists and I am going to be planning on leaving soon I hope. Be it moving in with a friend or going to the womens shelter I am not sure yet. Nothing is really set in stone. I'de rather stay put to be honest but I have no means to keep this place. I am back to worrying about my animals again. So the cycle continues.