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Wish I Could Say I Was Back Under Better Circumstances...
13 years ago
...Buuuuut I'm not. This is -not- a good night ... Insomnia, dealing with some ... -pretty- heavy shit right now, with a friend I've hit a snag with ... weeks worth of stress mounting up higher and higher ... and overall just trying not to succumb to a very long-overdue nervous breakdown. Especially with physical (had a horrible cold most of last week) and emotional (the aforementioned stress issues) sickness keeping me from being able to do much of -anything- to escape the panicked lil' hole I've cornered myself into.
I really don't know how I'm holding on anymore. Just so much stress stacking on top of me the past few weeks...
Doesn't help that the job has turned out to be utter unworkable crap. The communication/scheduling is GARBAGE. It's a "call in the morning and we'll tell you if you're working that day" type of situation, not a set-in-stone schedule, and a lot of important facts keep being misinterpreted ... still no first paycheck, for example, and no clearly-stared reason why it's so late.
And when they -do- have work for us, the shifts are just -far- more than I was looking for. I was looking for something with 6-8 hour shifts. They want three 10-hour shifts in a ROW. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The ENTIRE weekend, morning to night. With my insomnia and frazzled nerves, that's just -far- too brutal. Especially when it's too far and few in between to even be able to adjust over time.
Suffice it to say, this just isn't going to be workable. Pook already has a viable Plan B lined up (and is sticking with this job at least until that Plan B is 100% concrete), but ... I've got to pound the pavement all over again. It's discouraging, but not why I'm stressing so bad. Found a job once, I can do it again. Quitting the current job actually brought me a large measure of relief. But the other situation makes that relief very short-lived. I'll spare you the soggy depressing details, but ... I'm in the midst of trying to pull a 3-year long friendship from the brink of collapse, and to put it mildly, I'm falling apart at the seams.
Not so much depression, but just ... a -lot- of rage, triggered by feelings of helplessness and fear. It's been boiling slowly beneath the surface, leaving me more agitated an annoyed, on the outside, rather than the impending explosion that's concealed beneath the surface. I try to keep it squashed, but it gets harder and harder with each passing day. And tonight ... it's a -very- volatile situation. It's a fragile semblance of restraint, at best. I'm trying ... I'm trying SO hard to find calm. But with fury and anxiety trying to to burst for freedom like two scared rabbits trying to run out the same hole, it's hard...
I'm having to deal with it in my own way tonight ... because "supposedly" Pookin works tomorrow (he still has to call to verify in the morning), and I can't jeopardize the sleep that he needs to function tomorrow, all because I'm coming undone...
I'm doing my damndest to focus on the positives. Like what we'll be doing with our checks when they come in (it's -supposed- to be today finally that they come in) and our 10th year anniversary coming up on the 5th of the next month. It's ... a -huge- milestone, given everything we've been through together.
That man has weathered -so- many horrible, horrible storms at my side ... Stood by me when -any- other sane human being would have turned and run ... puts up with -so- much of my ridiculous crap ... kept faith in me, no matter how far I fell ... Sometimes I question whether or not I deserve him, but I don't know how I'd survive if here wasn't here. He's my sanity, my rock when I have nowhere left to stand ... my everything.
Sorry to come back with more depressing downer bullshittery, but ... life really isn't playing fair lately. When I pick myself back up in the aftermath of this situation I'm having with that friend, I'll be in a somewhat stronger place. I promise. It's just that there's still a lot of unknowns and there's still no clear answer whether or not we're going to weather the storm ... but for better or worse, I need to come out the other side before I can start to heal. Whether with him or without him...
I swear I'm not always such a dark whiny jackass. >_<;;
I really don't know how I'm holding on anymore. Just so much stress stacking on top of me the past few weeks...
Doesn't help that the job has turned out to be utter unworkable crap. The communication/scheduling is GARBAGE. It's a "call in the morning and we'll tell you if you're working that day" type of situation, not a set-in-stone schedule, and a lot of important facts keep being misinterpreted ... still no first paycheck, for example, and no clearly-stared reason why it's so late.
And when they -do- have work for us, the shifts are just -far- more than I was looking for. I was looking for something with 6-8 hour shifts. They want three 10-hour shifts in a ROW. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The ENTIRE weekend, morning to night. With my insomnia and frazzled nerves, that's just -far- too brutal. Especially when it's too far and few in between to even be able to adjust over time.
Suffice it to say, this just isn't going to be workable. Pook already has a viable Plan B lined up (and is sticking with this job at least until that Plan B is 100% concrete), but ... I've got to pound the pavement all over again. It's discouraging, but not why I'm stressing so bad. Found a job once, I can do it again. Quitting the current job actually brought me a large measure of relief. But the other situation makes that relief very short-lived. I'll spare you the soggy depressing details, but ... I'm in the midst of trying to pull a 3-year long friendship from the brink of collapse, and to put it mildly, I'm falling apart at the seams.
Not so much depression, but just ... a -lot- of rage, triggered by feelings of helplessness and fear. It's been boiling slowly beneath the surface, leaving me more agitated an annoyed, on the outside, rather than the impending explosion that's concealed beneath the surface. I try to keep it squashed, but it gets harder and harder with each passing day. And tonight ... it's a -very- volatile situation. It's a fragile semblance of restraint, at best. I'm trying ... I'm trying SO hard to find calm. But with fury and anxiety trying to to burst for freedom like two scared rabbits trying to run out the same hole, it's hard...
I'm having to deal with it in my own way tonight ... because "supposedly" Pookin works tomorrow (he still has to call to verify in the morning), and I can't jeopardize the sleep that he needs to function tomorrow, all because I'm coming undone...
I'm doing my damndest to focus on the positives. Like what we'll be doing with our checks when they come in (it's -supposed- to be today finally that they come in) and our 10th year anniversary coming up on the 5th of the next month. It's ... a -huge- milestone, given everything we've been through together.
That man has weathered -so- many horrible, horrible storms at my side ... Stood by me when -any- other sane human being would have turned and run ... puts up with -so- much of my ridiculous crap ... kept faith in me, no matter how far I fell ... Sometimes I question whether or not I deserve him, but I don't know how I'd survive if here wasn't here. He's my sanity, my rock when I have nowhere left to stand ... my everything.
Sorry to come back with more depressing downer bullshittery, but ... life really isn't playing fair lately. When I pick myself back up in the aftermath of this situation I'm having with that friend, I'll be in a somewhat stronger place. I promise. It's just that there's still a lot of unknowns and there's still no clear answer whether or not we're going to weather the storm ... but for better or worse, I need to come out the other side before I can start to heal. Whether with him or without him...
I swear I'm not always such a dark whiny jackass. >_<;;
.....And aren't you supposed to be asleep, in case you work tomorrow...?
I know it has to really suck, being on the spectating end, feeling like there's nothing you can do to lighten the burden ... but just having you there, with you supporting me, brings relief. It lets me know that no matter how dark it gets, at least I'm not alone. <3
Please don't penalize yourself on my account, baby ... you really need some sleep.
Life cheats; has access to all sorts of nasty, 'pre-order and promo-only' weapons we never see coming (like the 'Gnarled club of douchebaggery +5', and the 'Bank Dildo'; but through it all, most often the only way to keep life in check is with help.
As always; remember you've still got this Foxeh to kick around if you need ^^ *Offers hug*