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Obviously, Confussion and Growing Up to Do
13 years ago
I tend to consider the furry community here in OKC to be one of my greatest sources of strength when I'm feeling at a loss for it. Hell, the furry community in general, really. It's helped me learn and experience sooo many new things over the past year, and everything I've done and those whom I've done them with I could never be more thankful.
But, that being said, there are still things that even those of you closest to me don't know much about. Almost everyone in the OKC furry community knows I enjoy cross dressing, but am horribly shy and embarrassed about it and tend to not like going out into public in my abundance of girls' clothing. And I realize that I've also posted a journal before stating my thoughts about me being transgendered or not. Some of you know that I enjoy fighting sports and running and mountain biking and getting hurt. Very few of you probably know about my desire to be an army field medic. Still few of you probably know about my fascination with wilderness survival and the human body under dangerous conditions (falling off cliffs while rock climbing, dehydration, exposure, fungal diseases, laceration caused gangrene).
Basically, everything after this point will make more sense if you read this: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3660182/
Read
Salkitten 's journal earlier today and have been thinking about it all day. Not the first time I've ever thought about it, sure, but this kind of layered out some things for me and made me really think.
I usually tend to think of myself as a tomboy in a boy's body: really tough and masculine acting but still with a flair of femininity, but in a body that makes me feel horrible every day. I'm guessing that's the dysphoria Sal talked about. Of course, I'm not completely uncomfortable with my body all the time. The exception for me being when I am fighting or wrestling or just doing something that having a lot of muscle generally comes in handy. Any other times, though, I'm just feeling... bad. I feel too big, too muscled, too pudgy in all the wrong places. My voice sounds off and my hair feels wrong. Hell, even my chest just doesn't seem right at times.
Of course, I know this could very well be growing up. I've always been late at developing into things. I'm only just now growing facial hair when everybody I know has been shaving for years. The one thing I've always had further along than everybody else is my mind. I've always been able to understand things and grasp concepts and evaluate things easily. It also has made me very introspective, which is why I question myself every waking moment about some of the things I do and think about.
So, yeah, I've asked myself what would life be like if I was a girl. I've asked myself that question a lot. I've wondered if it would make me happier, improve my self esteem, improve my anger, make me feel natural. And the simple answer has always been: I don't know.
The not-so-simple answer usually changes all the time: Would I still train for MMA? Would I still want to be an electronic music producer? Would I still play my saxophone and shoot for higher music possibilities? Would I be able to keep up my normal pace at work? Would I still want to be in the military?
If you remember Salkitten 's journal, he used a little scale resembling:
Girl---Androgynous---Boy
I first thought maybe I'm jsut more Androgynous. I definitely fit into both areas of girl and boy. But, then again, I also fit mostly into the more extremes of girl and boy. In a sense, I want to be the hardcore muscled fighter in the ring, and the hot card girl in a skimpy bikini. I want to have a rock solid body, and a gentle, soft, touchable body. Pecs, and boobs. Boxers and panties.
Urg! I hate feeling confused and like I'm hiding things from everybody close to me 3:
All in all, though, I'd doubt I'd ever get any kind of surgery. 1) it costs money, and although I'm not stingy, I hate spending money on things I can't return, and 2) as my mom has said, sometimes you've just got to think of your family. I don't know. My family is odd about many things. Sometimes conservative, sometimes liberal.
Maybe I just have a lot more growing up to do, a lot more experiences to have, and a lot more people to meet. Sometimes youth is just meant for being confused, cause if nobody was confused as a youth, then there'd be no use for the wise elders.
Feel free to maybe post something about yourself that's similar. Or whatever. It doesn't matter to me. As long as you read this and cared enough to comment, I'm happy :3 I mainly just made this to vent a little pent up emotion.
But, that being said, there are still things that even those of you closest to me don't know much about. Almost everyone in the OKC furry community knows I enjoy cross dressing, but am horribly shy and embarrassed about it and tend to not like going out into public in my abundance of girls' clothing. And I realize that I've also posted a journal before stating my thoughts about me being transgendered or not. Some of you know that I enjoy fighting sports and running and mountain biking and getting hurt. Very few of you probably know about my desire to be an army field medic. Still few of you probably know about my fascination with wilderness survival and the human body under dangerous conditions (falling off cliffs while rock climbing, dehydration, exposure, fungal diseases, laceration caused gangrene).
Basically, everything after this point will make more sense if you read this: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3660182/
Read
Salkitten 's journal earlier today and have been thinking about it all day. Not the first time I've ever thought about it, sure, but this kind of layered out some things for me and made me really think. I usually tend to think of myself as a tomboy in a boy's body: really tough and masculine acting but still with a flair of femininity, but in a body that makes me feel horrible every day. I'm guessing that's the dysphoria Sal talked about. Of course, I'm not completely uncomfortable with my body all the time. The exception for me being when I am fighting or wrestling or just doing something that having a lot of muscle generally comes in handy. Any other times, though, I'm just feeling... bad. I feel too big, too muscled, too pudgy in all the wrong places. My voice sounds off and my hair feels wrong. Hell, even my chest just doesn't seem right at times.
Of course, I know this could very well be growing up. I've always been late at developing into things. I'm only just now growing facial hair when everybody I know has been shaving for years. The one thing I've always had further along than everybody else is my mind. I've always been able to understand things and grasp concepts and evaluate things easily. It also has made me very introspective, which is why I question myself every waking moment about some of the things I do and think about.
So, yeah, I've asked myself what would life be like if I was a girl. I've asked myself that question a lot. I've wondered if it would make me happier, improve my self esteem, improve my anger, make me feel natural. And the simple answer has always been: I don't know.
The not-so-simple answer usually changes all the time: Would I still train for MMA? Would I still want to be an electronic music producer? Would I still play my saxophone and shoot for higher music possibilities? Would I be able to keep up my normal pace at work? Would I still want to be in the military?
If you remember
Salkitten 's journal, he used a little scale resembling:Girl---Androgynous---Boy
I first thought maybe I'm jsut more Androgynous. I definitely fit into both areas of girl and boy. But, then again, I also fit mostly into the more extremes of girl and boy. In a sense, I want to be the hardcore muscled fighter in the ring, and the hot card girl in a skimpy bikini. I want to have a rock solid body, and a gentle, soft, touchable body. Pecs, and boobs. Boxers and panties.
Urg! I hate feeling confused and like I'm hiding things from everybody close to me 3:
All in all, though, I'd doubt I'd ever get any kind of surgery. 1) it costs money, and although I'm not stingy, I hate spending money on things I can't return, and 2) as my mom has said, sometimes you've just got to think of your family. I don't know. My family is odd about many things. Sometimes conservative, sometimes liberal.
Maybe I just have a lot more growing up to do, a lot more experiences to have, and a lot more people to meet. Sometimes youth is just meant for being confused, cause if nobody was confused as a youth, then there'd be no use for the wise elders.
Feel free to maybe post something about yourself that's similar. Or whatever. It doesn't matter to me. As long as you read this and cared enough to comment, I'm happy :3 I mainly just made this to vent a little pent up emotion.
--Xana--
Little Buff Bastard or Big Busty Bitch, either way we loves our whacky little WeasilyShark thing. Whatever makes you happy in the end. Just give time from now till that point, to really decide, and in the mean time, enjoy the hell out of life as I know you freakin will^~.
And I loves all my crazy furry fuzz ball friends X3 Though I doubt I'd ever be busty. If I ever went on E, I'd probably just keep the natural small breasts that grow due to the E. I like the flat chested look on girls.
Everyone has a masculine and feminine side to them, so it's also important for everyone that considers themselves trans to remember this. :3 And it's good to hear of a younger person with a good head on their shoulders and decides to be sensible and wait before taking any drastic measures about this.
For your case, I would say keep on the path you're on right now. Since you enjoy things that are part of both conventional genders, keep your body as it is and simply do what you enjoy.
I commend you on posting a journal like this expressing how you feel, by the way! A lot of people are too scared to do even that. It's nice to get to know you better, too! ^-^
The main concern with the body part is that being a male, I don't have to do a whole lot to gain a lot of muscle. The times when I dress up, if I'm feeling too big for any reason, like water weight, muscle, or gained weight, I don't dress up. I only like to dress up when I feel like a girl, if that makes sense. It may just be me having no self esteem, but it just doesn't feel right to dress up and not look the part :/
Thank you for the comment! I'm still working on commissions for everybody currently, and being a slow drawer like me makes things difficult, but I'm gonna try and get them done at a reasonable time.