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I feel angry, and lonely, and hurt. I don't know what to do
13 years ago
Thus sayeth Tuyuq Isuvviaraq Vampram
Okay, the following is an opinion. A lot of the story is left out because it's too humiliating to relate. There's a lot of drama involved here, but... none of it current unless someone decides to make it so. But I would still ask that your read because... I need guidance here.
So... there was this girl named Jessica.
I used to call her my little sister.
but then, she created this character named Zane. Rather than being a work of fiction, though, she turned him into an alternate persona.
She made him accounts on all of the social sites she was on, and she told me that he was a real person.
After about a year, she... I fell in love with Zane. And she went along with it.
He said that he loved me too, and we would talk for hours about the kind of life we wanted to have together. There was a lot of... drama involved.
It was sort of like an online affair I was having, because Alex was already my boyfriend at the time. Zane actually said that he was jealous of Alex, and I told him that if things didn't work out between me and Alex, that Zane would be my next choice.
Around the same time, though, I was learning that my... my Master had... other feelings for me. Romantic feelings. That he considered me a potential mate.
This was kind of turbulent for me, because I had never even considered being Master's mate, and wasn't in a hurry to. It hurt him a lot. He was in a lot of pain and stress around that time, and so I didn't tell him about my feelings for Zane.
things had already started to get turbulent between Alex and me as well because... I'd told Alex that Master had feelings for me. I didn't reciprocate those feelings but... he was the jealous type to begin with.
And then he learned about Zane, and... it all went crashing down. Alex broke up with me the next day.
And when Master learned of this, he was sympathetic, but also felt that this might be his chance to win me.
He was being very... romantic to me. He wanted me desperately. Only three days had passed since I'd made the intentional decision not to tell him about what I felt for Zane - my decision to wait until he was more emotionally stable
and suddenly that decision no longer mattered
Master was both sad and infuriated. He accused me of leading him on.
A month or so after this, Jessica finally admitted that Zane had been fake.
She said that she was incredibly sorry
she'd always been terribly depressive.
and for the first few months, I was forgiving and sympathetic
but then, all at once, it hit me: She had completely ruined me, and here she was still begging for... EXPECTING my sympathy
and I disowned her
By the time I finally got up the courage to ask Master if his offer of mateship was still open, he informed me that he already had someone else. I'd missed the deadline by days.
And now, Alex has another boyfriend and... won't rp with me because of it. Even though we always used to, even when we weren't boyfriends.
I still hate her so much. And I've refused to forgive her just because I want her to suffer worse than me and longer than I will
but the pain is... still there. And it pops up when I don't expect it
especially when I feel alone
I don't know how to come to terms with what happened, and I don't know what has to happen now
I have... very few regrets in my life. Very VERY few regrets.
In fact, if I had the option to go back and correct my mistakes - to change what happened to me - the ONLY thing I sincerely would do differently is that I would have called her out on her bullshit from the beginning.
Even if I wasn't with Alex, I could at least have been with Lucien
Now I have no one. Fucking NOBODY.
One of the difficulties with the fandom, and especially in RPs or just general chatting, is that sometimes the lines get accidentally blurred every now and again. Sometimes it's just misunderstandings, or people not mentioning when they're drifting from their character to their actual feelings, and sometimes people just...well, it leads into strange areas like you described with 'Zane'.
In the end, the loneliness should disappear in time. The anger and hurt may take quite a bit longer, though. One day you may be able to forgive Jessica for all of that, but it depends. Must you forgive and forget? That's entirely up to you. Personally, I would let a lot of time pass until it all doesn't matter any more, but I know when friendships have threatened relationships I've had before those always took several months, if not years, to resolve. It just cuts a bit deeper than the standard betrayal, in my opinion.
In the end, though, I hope the pain washes away over time. It may get tricky at times, but journals do help when it comes to venting and finding solace.
YEah... I hope things work out that way.
I'll agree, what she did was cruel, and if I were you I would at least forgive her since as Catholics it's what we're called to do, even to our enemies, but that doesn't mean that you have to have anything to do with her--and I wouldn't expect you to because I wouldn't either. The first step to healing is going to be taking personal responsibility for what happened and that means that you can't put the blame on her--she cannot be held responsible for your actions, only for hers. Her actions included deception and toying with your feelings, but she didn't make you reject any of these men and she most certainly didn't make you fall for her, thought she did toy--and for that she is responsible.
My recommendation to you: figure out what it is that you want out of a relationship with another person and don't be deceptive. If you want a monogamous relationship with a person and you've committed yourself to another person and you want to stay committed I would recommend that you refrain from temptation. If you really wanted to be with one person--be it your boyfriend or your master--then don't entertain the possibility of other relationships because as long as you do there lies the potential for a recurrence of what happened this time.
Maybe it's better now that you aren't with anybody: for one thing, you don't need to be with another person in order to be happy. People get together, people break up, but always end up being able to stand up on their own. Do not define yourself by the relationships you're in--you are your own individual.
As to repairing your friendships, that begins by taking responsibility of your actions and accepting the natural consequences of that. It may be that one of the natural consequences is that the friendship is irreparable, and that's something that you'll just have to accept as one of the things that you caused, albeit accidentally.
One thing I would like you to ask yourself was where you saw this going? What would you have wanted to come out of it? Let's just back up the time line a little bit and say that you were still on good terms with your master and with your boyfriend and carrying on with Zane: where did you see this going? Did you not see this outcome as one of the possibilities at all? If you did, why would it not have stopped you? If not, perhaps you were just short sighted?
I'm just throwing a few building blocks out on the table and I don't mean this to be a criticism of you, because I'm feeling that this was a kind of learning experience for you in terms of how you'll build future relationships with other people. I like you a lot, you're a good friend, just be careful and stay safe. If you need anything, you have my number and can text me.
Ironically, something very similliar to this happened to me when I was younger. The thing is, its easy for them to make you fall for them, because they know you, and as they are pretending to be a fictional identity, can craft that identity to be exactly what you want.... and often nothing that you need.
The rest of this... I can't argue with.. I'll need... time to think about it.
Your friend that created Zane, what did she say was the goal for this "alternate persona?" Was she trying to get close to you in an affectionate way? Your friend sounds like a narcissist.
I know that you're suppose to forgive and forget but I've experienced events where I can comfortable show no mercy for what someone has done to me. She intentionally manipulated things in my life to ruin me for an delusional personal gain over and over again. You're very lucky because this was my REAL SISTER and you can create some distance between yourself and Jessica. After this definitely don't trust her fully and be sure there's a slight gap with how close you get to her or her friends. There may be a time where you can be close friends like family but that's going to take some work on her part before that happens.
I believe in fate, and fate will hopefully bless you with a loving companion. All I can say with this is give it time.