For those of you that haven't already realized it in my posts or haven't been informed directly, regarding the argument I always seem to face about being down here for college, a lot of people are still under the impression that my stay here, college and all, is still a free ride.
Outside of the 1000$ my parents let me use to bolster the downpayment for my car, and the money spent to move me down here and allocate me properly, my parents haven't really done anything financially. Before jumping on my nuts about this statement, please allow me to explain:

For starters, I am grateful for the help, especially on the car situation. Without the extra grand, given my unemployment situation in WA, I can't say when I would've been able to get a car for myself. Yes in WA I was getting along fine without them, for themost part, but especially after losing my job, not having a car of my own to get me around to find work was actually a major set back :/.

My parents are giving me a free place to stay. Of course I'm thankful for that. But the other thing people need to realize is that I left Bakersfield, in the dead of night RUNNING AWAY from my parents after all of the stress that had begun to bowl over after a very stressful TWO YEARS of my pre adult life. Living in this house, living with my PARENTS, even though things have settled down significantly is SO HARD FOR ME. There's so much pent up emotion and old feelings I can't entirely let go of that makes the house and this town emotionally difficult to live in. Some people then ask why don't I move in with someone else. The answer is simply this: I didn't wanna come down here in the first place. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay rent to stay in place I don't even want to be in. Not to mention I don't even have the financial stability to AFFORD rent ontop of my car payment and other bills atm.

Yes, I have bills. Like two or three, but given my finances they're hard for me atm. My parents would've only been able to buy me a beater car. Even my DAD didn't want to put me in something crappy. So I agreed to sign into having a car payment on the grounds we got me something reliable that 'I' wanted to be driving. Hence why I dropped money into my scion. It was necessary for me to have wheels down here, I wanted something reliable that was good on gas, and aesthetically I was VERY happy with it. The 700$ I had to add out of my own pocket immediately tanked me to half of my original 1500$ moving budget.

Back on topic:

School. This is probably the most frustrating thing for me, for soooo many reasons. Little known fact. My tuition is presently being paid with savings bonds that were mine in the first place, and will eventually include grants, loans, scholarships where applicable and possibly even the 1000$ I was awarded from placing 2nd at Pokemon Regionals back in 2010. Please soak in the last few sentences and then put yourself in my shoes. I hyped that my parents would be funding pretty much everything in my new life KNOWING that wasn't very plausible. The major frustration I'm feeling in this is that NOTHING HAS HAPPENED SO FAR IN THE MAJOR SCHEME OF MY LIFE (barring my car) THAT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE ON MY OWN IN WA. I could have easily requested my savings bonds, myself. Easily applied for financial aid, myself, easily applied for new scholarships, myself. And USED my current scholarship, myself, to fund my education WITHOUT MOVING.

Please take a second and try to soak in as much of this as you can and apply it to why I've been so fucking depressed the last 2 months.

I left everything I'd made for myself, and everything that made me happy in life (regardless of my funk over my breakup. Big Picture here please) to relocate to a place that is personally filled with loads of bad memories, near to nothing for a person of my personality and orientation and even age demographic to do, chasing an agreement that was muddled in miscommunication, KNOWING I would be unhappy and THINKING I would be able to emotionally cope with. My decision was made under ALOT of stress, both from my family in CA and my life situation in WA and as such it was made in imperfect circumstances with an unlevel head.

Now tell me...am I legitimately over reacting to my situation when I say that I really just want to move back to WA and get myself back on track there? What it comes down to at its core is that regardless of if my parents can understand it fully, I had an entire life away from them that cannot be replaced or replicated, especially here in Bakersfield and I miss it so much that all that homesickness, paired with how crappy I feel my life situation is on me personally is driving me into this turbo funk I don't even know how to kick.

To reiterate on some points. I've officially been here for 2 months now. In the course of that two months I've: 1) bought a car 2) gotten a job 3) enrolled in school 4) helped run a weekly poi dancing group and 5) helped organize and drive the first successful Bakersfield Furry Meetup Group. I've been trying to make something for myself here too but even outside of that 1) my job is only giving me about 14 hrs a week, forcing me back on unemployment and having me looking for more work and 2) I only have ONE CLASS for the fall semester with all my other classes either full or waitlisted. I have TWO whole personal groups I'm going to. I'm MEETING NEW PEOPLE, and yet I'm still miserable at the end of the day when I walk through the front door and curl up in my room. What have I REALLY accomplished down here? What is SO BENEFICIAL TO ME that I should stay here and work through all this crap, when I would be more motivated and a helluvah lot happier in another location?

It just came to my attention that alot of people weren't really informed on my whole situation. That's MY fault. My issues with my parents and our agreement, also falls to me. It was my fault in misinterpreting what my parents were really offering me and overall against my better judgement, going through with the decisions I've made. What my parents have done, isn't something I'm trying to fluff off or be ungrateful for, but being grateful for something has nothing to do with that thing making you happy.

So that, at least for the time being, is my rant for the afternoon. I really do hope that regardless of how it does it, it gives everyone somewhat of a more informed perspective on what's been going on with me in CA.

I'm SORRY I've been so depressing lately, especially with the near constant 'woe is me' updates I've been hammering out on my Facebook and my twitter. I'm just trying to vent out all of my frustrations. I was getting frustrated with alot of the arguments I'd been receiving from various people all over my social networks and just wanted to try and explain my reasoning.

In closing I'd like to add this. At the beginning of the year, I set a goal for myself that even though Jerin and I had split up, I would bust ass through work, get myself a car, and enroll myself into school. I had such a personal sense of motivation that up until I lost my job, I was actually meeting all of my personally set benchmarks. Even after my unemployment, I made this move to keep on that goal. But now, a mere 2 months after being away, I can legitimately say that honestly, I don't even care about school right now. There is so much more that I feel is going on with me right now with my finances, my emotional and mental health and at its core, my actual life security that I just don't have that motivation anymore. I'm burned out. To all the people saying they want to see me succeed in life, get through school and make something of myself, I REALLY appreciate it and it means SO MUCH to me to have that kind of support, because 'I' want it too, but right now I just can't find it in me to do that. If I were to go to school right now, given everything I'm dealing with and I were to fail because of it, the set back it would give me would be astronomical...doesn't that make sense?

Anyways, I'm going to work :/ For the people following my journals on here that have been in the dark on all the new developments I've been listing on Facebook, I will make a small reiteration journal when I get back and have time.

As always, thanks for the support from like...all three of you that bother.