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Friend advice?
13 years ago
General
I feel like this is the only place I can actually talk about this haha.
So lately I've been wanting to patch things up with...I guess a former close friend of mine. We had a bit of a fiasco that kind of severed our friendship back in April that did more damage than I intended. You could say it was the last straw that made me realize that she didn't care about me as much as I had cared about her and hoped for. Long story short, the last straw was kind of severe and hit me at a horrible time full of anxiety and stress and well I may or may not of had a bit of a breakdown, overdosed on my antidepressants and was sent to the hospital that night to stay for a few days to be baker act'd. This made a lot of people angry with her. My parents weren't too happy either. My mom even came all the way down from AL just to visit me.
After the hospital stay, I was hoping to finally talk things out...but only to be blown off by her lame excuses and for her to be snappy with me, saying that whatever she had to say would only upset me...so she didn't say anything. Now it's been about three months since we haven't been on the best of speaking terms. I've been waiting for her to come to me since apparently she hates confrontation and she avoids stuff that stress her out, kind of like what I do as well. So that's why I've been waiting for so long...but my patience is growing very thin and my respect for her goes down even more as the days go on. Since I see her on FB and Tumblr going on with her life and not seeming to notice this problem that's just...kind of like a dog took a shit on the floor and no one bothered to pick it up.
I've been wanting to go...apologize for everything, but I actually don't have anything to apologize for? The only thing I can really say is sorry for getting attached to you and trying to be your friend. Everyone thinks she took complete advantage of me since I always took her places and took her out to eat and what not. Not only that, but a lot of my money went to her too. She knew I had a crush on her for a while, so she used that her advantage pretty hardcore until she decided to toss me aside when she liked some guy. Idk, I wholeheartedly agree now with what she did...and recognize that I was pretty much her doormat, but at the same time...idk, I just feel bad about making her uncomfortable and just want things to go back like they used to be. I miss talking and hanging out with her. I always check FB and scroll my feed subconsciously wondering what she's up to.
I...all of my friends here would say it's a bad idea, but it's been months now of me trying to move on and it's been very difficult to let go. Even after all that's happened between us, I still care about her.
So what I'm saying is, this problem of ours hasn't been resolved because of this...clash of prides I guess. I feel like I shouldn't be apologizing after everything she's done and she probably doesn't think she should apologize because she probably doesn't think this is her fault. She's probably blaming this on me for all I know.
I just really want to have a good time at AFO that's coming up. My best friend, Rae, that I mentioned in my last journal...well, we, as in my friend I'm having this problem with and myself, kind of met Rae at the same time at a con back in December. She's finally coming back to visit and I'm super stoked. I don't want Rae to feel awkward since we're not on the best of speaking terms and when she met us we both hung out with her. I just...augh... the tension. That's what I'm trying to diminish. I can already tell now that my possessive nature is going to kick in and I'm gonna be Rae's watch dog and get jealous and angry whenever she goes near her since I feel like Rae is all I have right now. I don't want that...I just kind of want harmony again I guess. Between all of us. Which is why I just really want to patch things up even though I shouldn't be the one saying sorry.
what do
So lately I've been wanting to patch things up with...I guess a former close friend of mine. We had a bit of a fiasco that kind of severed our friendship back in April that did more damage than I intended. You could say it was the last straw that made me realize that she didn't care about me as much as I had cared about her and hoped for. Long story short, the last straw was kind of severe and hit me at a horrible time full of anxiety and stress and well I may or may not of had a bit of a breakdown, overdosed on my antidepressants and was sent to the hospital that night to stay for a few days to be baker act'd. This made a lot of people angry with her. My parents weren't too happy either. My mom even came all the way down from AL just to visit me.
After the hospital stay, I was hoping to finally talk things out...but only to be blown off by her lame excuses and for her to be snappy with me, saying that whatever she had to say would only upset me...so she didn't say anything. Now it's been about three months since we haven't been on the best of speaking terms. I've been waiting for her to come to me since apparently she hates confrontation and she avoids stuff that stress her out, kind of like what I do as well. So that's why I've been waiting for so long...but my patience is growing very thin and my respect for her goes down even more as the days go on. Since I see her on FB and Tumblr going on with her life and not seeming to notice this problem that's just...kind of like a dog took a shit on the floor and no one bothered to pick it up.
I've been wanting to go...apologize for everything, but I actually don't have anything to apologize for? The only thing I can really say is sorry for getting attached to you and trying to be your friend. Everyone thinks she took complete advantage of me since I always took her places and took her out to eat and what not. Not only that, but a lot of my money went to her too. She knew I had a crush on her for a while, so she used that her advantage pretty hardcore until she decided to toss me aside when she liked some guy. Idk, I wholeheartedly agree now with what she did...and recognize that I was pretty much her doormat, but at the same time...idk, I just feel bad about making her uncomfortable and just want things to go back like they used to be. I miss talking and hanging out with her. I always check FB and scroll my feed subconsciously wondering what she's up to.
I...all of my friends here would say it's a bad idea, but it's been months now of me trying to move on and it's been very difficult to let go. Even after all that's happened between us, I still care about her.
So what I'm saying is, this problem of ours hasn't been resolved because of this...clash of prides I guess. I feel like I shouldn't be apologizing after everything she's done and she probably doesn't think she should apologize because she probably doesn't think this is her fault. She's probably blaming this on me for all I know.
I just really want to have a good time at AFO that's coming up. My best friend, Rae, that I mentioned in my last journal...well, we, as in my friend I'm having this problem with and myself, kind of met Rae at the same time at a con back in December. She's finally coming back to visit and I'm super stoked. I don't want Rae to feel awkward since we're not on the best of speaking terms and when she met us we both hung out with her. I just...augh... the tension. That's what I'm trying to diminish. I can already tell now that my possessive nature is going to kick in and I'm gonna be Rae's watch dog and get jealous and angry whenever she goes near her since I feel like Rae is all I have right now. I don't want that...I just kind of want harmony again I guess. Between all of us. Which is why I just really want to patch things up even though I shouldn't be the one saying sorry.
what do
Also, on the subject of pride, there are times when you need to pick your battles. If it's a petty one, swallow your pride and go with that flow. but if you know in your heart it's wrong, you can either do one of two things: act out on impulse, or separate yourself from the situation and think about it. If you do care about this, I'm confident you'll find the time to think it through :>
In all honesty, I'll give you the same advice my roommates gave me.
If she's not wanting to make the effort, then there's no use for you to give it. It's best to just let her go on with her life, and if she really wants to talk to you, then she can make the effort to do so.
There's no use in chasing after a lost case, it's only stressful and not worth it.
I hope you get it sorted out though, it's not worth the stress, No one should feel this way. -Huggles- <3
I've felt better but...I have a really hard time letting things go and have an extremely forgiving nature that just makes me want to forget what happened and move forward. Meaning, I'd feel better if everything was resolved instead of being unresolved is all. I hate being ignored by her when I'm in her presence, it just makes me upset. No matter how I try to overlook it. I hate being treated like I'm nothing to her, so I feel like I need to speak up.
I think in this situation since she isn't going to come to you, the only way you will "make up" is if you go to her first and apologize or see what you can do to make her feel better. Obviously if she hasn't approached you yet she doesn't really care enough, so really I'd just stay away from her, but if you're really desperate to restore your friendship you're going to have to take the hit.
And who knows? Maybe she'll say 'no, don't apologize, I'm sorry' and everything will be dandy again! Just be prepared if it doesn't turn out that way. xD'
I think you should just message your friend and just spill your heart, or try to get her to sit down and talk to you, even if you have to go to her place or something.
It's honestly hard moving forward when you have something like that holding you back.
Thing is I don't know how to tell her I want to talk about this because she avoids stress-triggering confrontations like this. >: So eh, idk what to do. I may just talk to Rae and see what she thinks. She knows about everything that's been happening between us, so idk, I'll see what she thinks.
If she replies then GREAT and go from there. Slowly and patch up the friendship. Maybe she was afraid to start conversation in case things werent still ok in your world.
If she doesn't then I'm gonna be with a lot of people on this and say its probably not worth your time. If life has taught me anything its that you should put the same amount of effort into someone that they put into you. If she doesn't want to so much as say "Hi" then she probably wouldn't put herself out there for you if you needed it and that's really not the type of friend that you should want...
Im a person that HATES confrontation and will avoid it if possible but if there has been a gap like the 3 months you have stated and things have cooled off/gotten better then I'd at least talk back and make small talk at first, test the waters, to see if the friendship is salvageable. No things might not be the same but we could at least be friendly towards one another rather that cold and distant.
I've unforunately been in a similar situation but rather with a boyfriend/now ex. It took me a few times getting back in contact with him and doing things for him again to learn that he really didnt care. Last time we had a fallout I waited for him to make contact with me cause if he did have strong feelings for me like he said he did then eventually he would send me a text or message me on FB. It never happened. He never cared and all I ended up hearing was of him talking about me in a negative way despite being his doormat. Before I would only wait a month and contact him cause I couldnt stand not being at least friends with him.
Good luck in whatever decision you choose.
...but that's just my silly two cents in a situation that's not my own ^^; But hopefully that helps...? :'D
Similar for me, only it was two people at once.... I'm not going to lie.
It's really hard to move past it. Took me a year and a half and the same friend leaving me -again- the same way he did before for me to realize that it isn't worth it.
No one likes to put others in bad situations or to lose a very close friend. It hurts and to this day, two+ years after the incident, my heart still hurts to think about him.
Talk to Rae and tell her your concerns about the issue and talk it out. I felt the same way when a good friend of mine hung out more with the two that left me, and in fact protected them more rather then listen to what I had to say. I understand where you stand right now and I know it is a really hard place to be.
The best thing to do is talk it out with someone... if you can, a therapist. That's how I worked my problem out and it may work for you as well. It's not a fun thing to open up to a complete stranger, but if you can nip this in the butt, you'll feel better.
You're already half way there, realizing that this 'friend' used and abused you and treated you like crap and I know I'm just a stranger that watches you, but what a know about people and what little I know about this girl, as a stranger I say stay away from her. It's a hard thing to let go of someone you care so deeply for and want so badly to be with and love you and feel the same way you did about them.
To be close to them and talk to them, even if you care for them a different way that they do, and all of the sudden they're gone and you can't help but half hate yourself cause you feel like it's your fault but in reality it isn't and as they say.
People come and go but the ones that stay are the ones that truly care about you.
Hope you get to feeling better.
I had something similar happen earlier this year where I got treated badly by someone and neither of us would come to the other but I confronted her right before a con we were both attending just to make sure wecould make our mutual friends not feel awkward and we ended up making up, hopefully something like that could happen for you too ;w;
...But, you need to do what you think is right.
If you really want to patch things together with her, go to her with an open mind. From what you're saying you obviously aren't the one who needs to apologize here, but ask her what made her upset last time you guys fought. I'm not saying it's justified, but maybe something you said may have upset her without your knowledge. You honestly won't know until you at least ask. Tell her what the experience has put you through, and if she's really a good friend of yours then she'll understand. Pride or not, if you're as good as friends as you say you are then she should be able to swallow it and realize she's wrong.
If she's still being difficult, then I say drop her ass. Some people just aren't worth pursuing, and you deserve better.
Ok this is a huge red flag for me. One, because everyone I am friends with I don't get this dramatically involved and I think that's how friendship should work. I never have any quarrels with my current friends and all my emotional "we want changes from each other's poor behavior" problems are between me and my fiance.
If someone is going to take advantage of you, and people see it that are your friends, listen to your friends. Seriously. It'll save you a headache and heartache from trying to change someone you aren't in an intimate relationship with. You shouldn't even have to consider the heartache about a friendship, you're older now and friends are for relaxing with and escaping from after a hard day of working, not to gain social status, so you can pick and choose. And it's okay to cut people out of your life, it's hard but if people are emotionally damaging, they aren't worth it.
Being kind of cut-throat here, but I had to learn the hard way about it and I wish I had someone to kick me and tell me about this 5 years ago.
Kinda wish I knew this myself, but it seems everyone learns the hard way on this.
Yeah, my parents or my friends would tell me they didn't like someone for a reason or they noticed something, and I didn't listen to them and well, damn. It blew up in my face. And it happened like 50 times til my counselor was talking to me a couple years ago and was like "you gotta stop doing this to yourself. get a bit selfish, it's okay because these people are damaging you by being in your life by this type of relationship." and I actually did what that counselor said and stopped being so self sacrificial about friends and got real with cutting shitty people out. Things have been a billion times better in my life. c:
It sucks and people will definitely be cranky and spread lies for being "cut out" of your life due to their crappy behavior...but if they're acting like that, you know you did the right thing by getting rid of them before they could do REAL damage!
to the OP: Drop her. It's gonna suck. Unfriend her and block her so her feed doesn't show up until you're feeling stronger/better about it. That definitely helps me...having an ex-friend shoved in your face doesn't help and makes you second guess your decision.
I'm pretty sure she will stay clear of me at AFO, so it won't be any big deal. Idk. I really don't expect much from her or know what will exactly happen at AFO. I just know I'll treat her just like she treats me, and act like she's not even there. Though I have a feeling she may take out her frustrations on me in one of her panels she's doing. She did it to my roommate last year when she was mad at him. I only fear she'll do the same. Which is dumb, but I have a feeling. She does that random shenanigans panel or whatever and pretty much just tells dumb stories and exaggerates the truth just to make everyone laugh.
And you probably have like, an ARMY of friends behind ya for the con, but if you are still uneasy or need somebody there or somebody to just talk with about things till you feel better, hit me up yo.
I know its hard to move on, really I do. I think what ALSO might be best is to NOT see her when your friend Rae comes to town - I'd hang out with Rae separately if possible. There's lots of ways to not make it awkward - just blame it on yourself if need be, just say something like "Oh, well I haven't seen you in so long! It'd be great for just us to catch up if that isn't too weird. I get to see <insert other friend you aren't on good terms with here> all the time...."
At any rate, you'll come through it. You have nothing to apologize for - you've done nothing wrong at all here, even a little. Your friend was not being a good friend at all - and is being an even worse friend now. If I were you, I'd worry about number one, and that's you. You deserve to have happiness and normalcy too!
I lost my best friend , but eventually gained a new one and we are like sisters. You're a really sweet and wonderful person for doing so much for her and you deserve better.
I had someone manipulate me somewhat the same way. I was used more or less as a buffer after her last boyfriend cheated and abused her, until she found someone else. She didn't mean to, really, she was just really messed up confidence-wise, and was using me to bolster it. Well this went on for months and months, up until she found a guy she liked, and then she decided to tell me after a couple of weeks of dating him, on my birthday, while at the same time admitting while she was flirting with me, she had put her profile up on a dating site. I blew up on her, and she apologized, but I kept acting like an ass to her because I have had a history of abusive relationships and figured she might know the feeling and not do the same.
She generally tried to be friends with me after that, apologizing, trying to make nice. I acted like a total asshole to her. It was less I wanted her away and more that my faith in people took a huge plummet; I wound up curling up and just keeping with people I could semi-trust. And I stayed like that for months and months. Until one day, I realized something, a rather striking realization; I didn't need her. I didn't need anyone! Why was I letting this depress me, and drag me down? Why should I focus on this betrayal? So I apologized to her, not for what happened, but for acting like an ass after she apologized, and put the ball in her court; if she wanted to talk to me, I opened a line, but I wasn't going to do more than that. She replied that she had indeed missed talking to me, apologized again (I've lost track of how many times she apologized, not that I was exactly at my best at keeping track of anything when hitting rock bottom of depression), and continued the discussion, explaining her side and her misunderstandings, then I went into my misunderstandings, etc. and by the end, we were back to talking normally.
The best you can hope for is to open a channel. I don't think you need to apologize in your case at all, just tell her, "Hey, we haven't talked and I know stuff went down, but I'm open to talking if you want." Put the ball in her court. She's the one who did you wrong; let her come to you. And if she doesn't? Fuck'er, simply. She ain't worth it then. Yeah it sucks severing people, but some people just aren't worth keeping around. She's already pushing it for not apologizing, or trying to talk it out already. And as for Rae? She's an adult. She can make her own decisions. You don't need her either. You are your own person, with your own ideas, your own abilities, your own talents The sooner you think of it like that, the sooner you'll be better off. Don't rely on other people for everything, because invariably you'll be let down.
And that was a story from a total stranger.
Cut the cord. Write a letter, express everything, but don't send it. Just get it out. Everything you need to. Pack up, and move on.
Whenever your mind goes to her, just redirect it. Or if you have to, think of the good things, and accept is as something that isn't meant to happen right now.
May seem like the end of a friendship, but you'd be surprised as to what happens later in your life, which will make you look back and be all 'Shit, I wasted a lot of time on that.'
There will be so many more after her, and they will treat you with respect and kindness that you deserve once you start treating yourself that way.
I've been through the torture of not knowing, wondering, etc. But please trust me, better things come along when you focus on yourself and the kind people in your life. Keep your mind on the happy things. Focus on your amazing artist talent, be kickass.
You can do it. I promise :)
Also glad to know i'm not the only person who writes letters like this hehe!
I kinda do this with my parents and loved ones. If we get into an argument... even if I wasn't in the wrong... I let them cool off and then come back to them cautiously. If you wish to be friends with her still please keep in mind they're old habits and behaviors. If you don't want to be taken advantage of don't set it up like that. If they say "Hey can we hang out?" Then go for it... go to their place. You don't HAVE to take them to some place to spend money. You don't have to feed them. If food is planned let them know they should bring some cash for that. And if they say "Okay!" and play you for a fool at the restaurant... play it back. "I only brought enough for myself. I told you to bring some.... but I'd rather not starve myself." And go order your food. Don't share or they won't learn that they can't play you. Don't even let 'em slip by ordering what they can't afford. Let the waiter know it'll be on two checks. Pay yours.. "I gotta use the restroom... meet you outside." If they can't pay for what they ordered they shouldn't have ordered it. Common sense.
Don't be their guinea pig if you patch things with them. It'll just spiral back to where you are now if you do.
Wish you luck though!
Until thing I'd suggest doing as Tatious says, I have written many letters that were never sent, and it was fantastic therapy for me :)
But I've been through a few of those to know what you feel. If I were You, ( IF I was) I would stay away from here and be polite when I have to be. Its just my nature to be nice to people until they do me a serious wrong. ( or feel that they did) and I tend to not forgive them after that.
But with you, try talking with her one more time. If she does not listen then you can't force someone who refuses to see and hear what you have to say or show.
The blind can't see and the deaf can't hear.
Damn I hate trying to be wise. :(
Just basically have fun no matter what happens and do your best to be you. There are more fish in the sea and more things to be worried about, this I can say!
Have fun with your life. :)
if they hurt you..
Been through this shit more then a handful of times..
save yourself the hurt.
They are right, your friend doesn't want to put the effort, and after being used so many times, it's better to cut the ties.
If she wants to patch things up, let her come back to you. Don't be the sad puppy who always walks up to people with tail between legs. (aka don't be the fool I used to be)
I've dealt with this few months back, after a long road of trial and warnings I'd get from everyone who knew me and the said person. I ended up regretting for not taking other people's advice sooner.
Was naive and way too nice, people took advantage of that and I just ended up getting hurt. Don't do the same, it's not worth it, hun.
I had a best friend for about 10 years and near the end started to not like me. I think be both did things to annoy another and half grudges. I also think we grew into different people who would not be friends. (I don't know how else to put that.) One day I did something to really annoy her, she was pissed. I looked at how pissed she was at me and thought, "I'm near the end of collage, I need to focus on m life ahead and me and not spend my life trying to figure out if she hates me or not." So I blocked her on every thing and cried while doing it. For the next year I was angry at her, I missed her, I felt like a crappy friend and so on. But its been about 4 years now. I feel like it was all for the best. We were annoying the crap out of each other. I still feel like some time I should send her an E-mail saying why I did that and say sorry for the dumb stuff I might have done. I only think of the good things now days and value the friendship we had. I also wonder how she is doing. But I don't send it because I done want her to be annoyed at me or steer up things.
Anyway - I don't know if my story helps you any, but I thought I would share it.
This resorted in us not speaking to each other for months. Then eventually she decided to be adults and just be content being in the same room and occasionally talking to each other like nothing happened for the rest of our friends sake. Then one day, she stated bad mouthing me and my boyfriend on Twitter. This resulted in her cursing publicly to my boyfriend and our friends where just APPLAUD. Like they couldn't believe that she was being such a bitch for no reason! Seriously! There was absolutely no tweets that should have resulted in cursing and bad mouthing someone. I knew she was just jealous as she had admitted it and then deny it later. And that point forward... I knew that she would NEVER change.
I don't hold grudges. And I believe in second chances, which I gave her, and she blew it again. So my advice is, do what you think is right, but don't expect a change. 'Cause I did... And I didn't get one. I just got shat on again. :(
Finally, she wrote me a love letter and handed it to me at the end of class one day. I read it, freaked out, and didn't bring it up to her at all until she confronted me about it and asked how I felt. At that point I'd become interested in someone else, so I owned up to it and told her bluntly that it just wasn't going to happen. She didn't take it well, understandably. I handled the situation really poorly and I'm not proud of that.
We ended up never talking again, and I regret that and feel terrible about it, but I felt far too guilty about the whole thing to be the one to try to patch things up and confront those issues. I knew it would be difficult and awkward, and even if we could have worked things out, part of me was terrified that she would take it the wrong way that I'd cared to come back and apologize and it might have all started again. I think even if she'd been the one to approach me and try to work things out, I still would have been uncomfortable continuing a friendship knowing there was all that baggage between us.
So tl;dr, I don't think this can really be salvaged no matter who makes the move to fix it. If she does feel bad about what happened, she still might not want to let you in again after the way things turned out because she's scared, embarrassed, or just too proud to admit her mistakes, and I can't see that being a healthy friendship. I'm sorry it came to this, but it's best to cut your losses and move on. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who will ever come to respect someone they were willing to treat that way in the first place.
IMO it kinda sounds like she doesn't want to be around you due to your feelings? That was my situation and to ruin a friendship because of that is just immature in the first place, but i could be wrong
Ignore facebook, ignore social networking because they give us a fake sense of attachment and interaction. Has she done anything to maintain the friendship? If not then you shouldn't either.
Friendships are a give and take. There are times you will give more and there are times you will take more but the point is that it has to be maintained by TWO people otherwise you'll be wasting your time and energy into someone that isn't putting anything into it.
In life it's a hard lesson to learn but true friendships are made of compatible personalities not of interests and pursuits in life since those change A LOT in life.
May hurt a lot now to let things fade but think in 10 years from now will you be happy being the only one maintaining it all?
Also, if they haven't contacted you in that long.. I hate to say it but that speaks for itself. She doesn't deserve an apology, she probably won't be affected by it and I think you're better off without her
Tatious had a great comment
Don't apologize to her! I think you're like me in that whenever I have a disagreement, I feel like the one at fault 99% of the time, and should apologize to them, but being a people pleaser isn't good for you in the long run. You really have to view this from an unbiased perspective; unbiased towards yourself in this case. If you apologize to her will be like being a doormat and if you patch things up she'll probably start taking advantage of that again and it'll be a stressful relationship. Maybe over time you can become cool with eachother, just maybe not bffs again.
It is really really awkward among mutual friends-- I "broke up" with a friend last year (and it was the one time in my life I could automatically recognize wow this is her being dumb not me), and it's still awkward when we're forced to be around each other, but I think the best thing you can do is ignore her and have a good time? You shouldn't need her approval to have fun but omg yeah it's hard when people you're at odds with are talking to your friends :C I get jealous and angry too, though it was worse then than it is now. I think that part just takes time-- during that time though, keep in mind that Rae is your friend who cares about you a lot, and will stay your friend because you're you; it's not like she'll dump you for your ex-friend, even if she's not taking sides! I think your adopting that attitude will help her to feel less awkward too; that and talking to her about how you're feeling about this!
Nothing good came out of them. When my friendship with the two people got ruined I never ever managed to fix it. Nothing helped because these people simply didn´t care about me anymore. They didn´t care about my effort.
It hurts. It still hurts me and I still miss my friends even though the last time I saw either of them was around 5 years ago. But I had no other option but to let go. It´s difficult and it can take years (it´s still difficult to me after 5 years) but as someone said above you cannot be the sad puppy who comes back to people with his tail between his legs. You´ve got to cut the ties and move on.
I´m sorry that this happened to you.
I used to have a terribly difficult time moving on from people. Still kinda do...my point is sometimes it's healthier to recognize that some people are better as memories. You shouldn't try to keep everyone around forever. Doesn't mean you have to be hostile. Just have a realistic assessment of what each of you wants, even if that means you two aren't compatible anymore.