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Updates - I Might Be Crazy
13 years ago
Well, lets see... I've been back home for a month now, and I think I'm going crazy, which I mean in a literal sense and not a proverbial one.
See, I have a history of depression, and it can range from mild to severe. Ever since I returned home from my month long excursion, my roomie Nova has stated he's noticed a change in me, that at first, I became much more self deprecating (I think that is the word I want) and began to examine my own faults to the point where I would work myself into a funk. This trend continued for a small while until my nightmares came back, at first they were ones I was used to, dreams of friends abandoning me, my family rejecting me, all the usual emo bullshit and I never paid them much heed. Then again, after a while, they started becoming much more vivid and violent, to a point where they are like some really sick death metal album, I've begun crying in my sleep and shaking... and to a more physical point, I've started lashing out at people, verbally and physically and losing control of my temper. Last time that happened... a knife ended up embedded in a wall during a specially bad episode, but I think I have a lot more self control now then that.
It's currently at the point now where I can't sleep without having someone in the bed next to me or I have nightmares and start twitching and crying, when I'm awake, honestly all my thoughts are either paranoia, seeing the worst in the people around me, or are thoughts of hurting/killing myself. These are thoughts I haven't had in a long time, back when I was a different person and much more wild and out of control.
I'll be seeing my doctor this week to see about a psychiatric evaluation and the possibility of me going back on pills, anti-depressents and well... last time I was on some kind of sedative, it basically knocked me out cold into a deep sleep so I either didn't dream or I just didn't remember them, so yeah, guess I'll see where that goes.
I've asked some people if they might accompany me for moral support, but for various reasons they can't, and I understand that, no hard feelings. There is one person I really would like to ask, but they don't seem so eager to talk to me at this moment, and while I'm sure I have nothing to do with it, those thoughts in my head ya know, I dunno man, guess I'm halfway to hearing voices and being a real crazy. I just really wish I could get someone to come along, I'm sure my mom or dad will... but its just wierd, thinking of hearing your parents listen to you telling the doctor about that kinda stuff. Maybe I'll find a friend who wants to go XP If not, oh well, gotta bite the bullet and go by myself.
See, I have a history of depression, and it can range from mild to severe. Ever since I returned home from my month long excursion, my roomie Nova has stated he's noticed a change in me, that at first, I became much more self deprecating (I think that is the word I want) and began to examine my own faults to the point where I would work myself into a funk. This trend continued for a small while until my nightmares came back, at first they were ones I was used to, dreams of friends abandoning me, my family rejecting me, all the usual emo bullshit and I never paid them much heed. Then again, after a while, they started becoming much more vivid and violent, to a point where they are like some really sick death metal album, I've begun crying in my sleep and shaking... and to a more physical point, I've started lashing out at people, verbally and physically and losing control of my temper. Last time that happened... a knife ended up embedded in a wall during a specially bad episode, but I think I have a lot more self control now then that.
It's currently at the point now where I can't sleep without having someone in the bed next to me or I have nightmares and start twitching and crying, when I'm awake, honestly all my thoughts are either paranoia, seeing the worst in the people around me, or are thoughts of hurting/killing myself. These are thoughts I haven't had in a long time, back when I was a different person and much more wild and out of control.
I'll be seeing my doctor this week to see about a psychiatric evaluation and the possibility of me going back on pills, anti-depressents and well... last time I was on some kind of sedative, it basically knocked me out cold into a deep sleep so I either didn't dream or I just didn't remember them, so yeah, guess I'll see where that goes.
I've asked some people if they might accompany me for moral support, but for various reasons they can't, and I understand that, no hard feelings. There is one person I really would like to ask, but they don't seem so eager to talk to me at this moment, and while I'm sure I have nothing to do with it, those thoughts in my head ya know, I dunno man, guess I'm halfway to hearing voices and being a real crazy. I just really wish I could get someone to come along, I'm sure my mom or dad will... but its just wierd, thinking of hearing your parents listen to you telling the doctor about that kinda stuff. Maybe I'll find a friend who wants to go XP If not, oh well, gotta bite the bullet and go by myself.
