Because I found a pile of WOMEN'S WORLD and LADIES HOME JOURNALS in my mother's bathroom when I was digging for the tea tree oil (am I the only person who likes how that stuff smells?). I decided to sit down and flip through them, because I... I don't know. Maybe I was feeling fat and I wanted to lose ten pounds in ten days. Or perhaps I really, really wanted to know five ways to keep a kid's mind active during the summer.

Anyway, I learned some lessons.

- Courtesy of Women's World, I now know that true love can only be found by accidentally running across somebody you went to high school with. The only exception is if you run into a hot guy who has been hurt in some fashion, in which case you have permission to guide him through the strange, foreign aisles of the grocery store to teach him about arugula, love, and innuendo concerning sirloin.

- Also, courtesy of Women's World, all crimes can be solved by amateur sleuths while working out sudoku puzzles in the back of the book. They will need to use their psychic powers to know information not given to them, just like real detectives who apparently solve crimes with telepathy rather than evidence.

- All marital problems can be solved in two and a half pages of spouses complaining, and three paragraphs written by a psychologist who claims to have solved the problem by basically saying, "Stop complaining."

- Obesity would no longer be an issue in the United States if we all became food fascists. Learning proper portion size and eating sensibly? No. Here's a list of foods you can eat at specific times of the day. Choose wisely because you can only choose one.

- And while you're on that diet, why not put steak on your salad and spend the rest of the week making these delicious cheesecake recipes?

- Know what's a miracle? Dogs. And apple cider vinegar. Maybe Tupperware parties. And some lady in Ohio swears that trading in her executive position for a life of selling Avon was the greatest choice she ever made.

- Only pets who have met horrific ends are worthy of column space. I don't care how amazing your seeing eye dog is, is he a pit bull who died of cancer? A cat who was eaten by a coyote? Yeah, to hell with your service dog, he's not dead enough.

- Depression can be cured by everything. Everything. There is no reason for people to be depressed anymore, because everything right down to quacking like a duck (yes, an actual suggestion) can fix it. So stop it, already, and channel your inner Donald.

- Everyone is rich, duh. So why not buy all of this overpriced "stylish" stuff to try to make yourself feel younger, aging secretary from Minnesota? C'mon. You got forty bucks to splurge on a purse the size of a pack of cards, right?

- Women can't tolerate real humor. Only puns, cute pictures, and Ziggy standing in the same pose next to inspirational phrases.

- Haha, no. Don't feel insecure about your weight. After all, Christina Aguilera is fat, too! And so are all these other celebrities half your size. Doesn't that make you feel better?






(Oh my god, I think my brain has died.)