FA+
Shop
Pulling The Plug
13 years ago
General
Just a warning. This could get really depressing really quick.
I don't know how to start this. I never do. How do I express what I feel? It's unquantifiable. It's something deep down inside me, reaching up, grabbing me, pulling me down. It's like floating in the void, not a landmark in sight. Where are you going? I don't know. The question scares me. The answer even more. Perhaps it's all the things in my life conspiring to tackle me, drag me down. I can think of three of them off the top of my head. On their own each one scares me. Working in concert the effect is so much more.
1. This is my last week working for the Iowa DNR. Come Monday next week I will once again be floating out on the sea of unemployment. No job. No income. No nothing. I search. I find...nothing. It's a desert out there. There are so few jobs in my field and when one does open up half the country applies. I don't believe I have the experience to compete. The stress builds over time. Why can't I find a job? Why can't I?
2. Right now, I'm lonely. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. Even better, I wish I had someone I could cuddle up with at night. And yet there's nothing. No one. I could count the number of friends I have on one hand. Doesn't help when I throw them away, either through my inexperience or simple lack of effort. I wish I was more social, but here's the rub. I'm very much an introvert. You don't force introverts to be social. It just doesn't work. I have to be the one who makes the conscious decision to go out and do things. But I'm lazy. I lack the motivation to do so, to reconnect with people I haven't seen in so long. I'd feel like a creeper, popping out of a dark alley late at night. And so I stay lonely.
3. I'm having a crisis. A sexual crisis. One night. One decision. Two hours later, a new beginning. My boundaries expanding. A new realm before me. Then self doubt creeps in. A little voice in the back of my head. Are you sure about this? Are you absolutely positive? You're not getting aroused looking at that image. Or that one. Or that one. Are you absolutely sure? Before all this happened it felt like it was so easy. If you like the opposite sex you're straight. If you like the same sex you're gay. If you like both you're bi. Now I don't know where I fall. And I don't know how to figure it out.
Just like everything in my life.
I don't know how to start this. I never do. How do I express what I feel? It's unquantifiable. It's something deep down inside me, reaching up, grabbing me, pulling me down. It's like floating in the void, not a landmark in sight. Where are you going? I don't know. The question scares me. The answer even more. Perhaps it's all the things in my life conspiring to tackle me, drag me down. I can think of three of them off the top of my head. On their own each one scares me. Working in concert the effect is so much more.
1. This is my last week working for the Iowa DNR. Come Monday next week I will once again be floating out on the sea of unemployment. No job. No income. No nothing. I search. I find...nothing. It's a desert out there. There are so few jobs in my field and when one does open up half the country applies. I don't believe I have the experience to compete. The stress builds over time. Why can't I find a job? Why can't I?
2. Right now, I'm lonely. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. Even better, I wish I had someone I could cuddle up with at night. And yet there's nothing. No one. I could count the number of friends I have on one hand. Doesn't help when I throw them away, either through my inexperience or simple lack of effort. I wish I was more social, but here's the rub. I'm very much an introvert. You don't force introverts to be social. It just doesn't work. I have to be the one who makes the conscious decision to go out and do things. But I'm lazy. I lack the motivation to do so, to reconnect with people I haven't seen in so long. I'd feel like a creeper, popping out of a dark alley late at night. And so I stay lonely.
3. I'm having a crisis. A sexual crisis. One night. One decision. Two hours later, a new beginning. My boundaries expanding. A new realm before me. Then self doubt creeps in. A little voice in the back of my head. Are you sure about this? Are you absolutely positive? You're not getting aroused looking at that image. Or that one. Or that one. Are you absolutely sure? Before all this happened it felt like it was so easy. If you like the opposite sex you're straight. If you like the same sex you're gay. If you like both you're bi. Now I don't know where I fall. And I don't know how to figure it out.
Just like everything in my life.
As for getting to know me better, where do you want to start?
Life's hard, it makes you stronger.
I'm here to talk, also, if you should need.