I'm so nervous...and anxious. In one week...I am going to be 21!! I can't believe it!!! To think i've made it this far...It doesn't seem that long ago i was ridding my grandmother's school bus or sitting in my room playing with my ponies...well...i still do that...but...point is...I'm going to fully be an adult. I will be able to go to bars and clubs and legally drink in public.

I doubt i'll be doing much drinking in the coming weeks, but there better be a case of the yummies (Smirnoff Ice) of the green apple variety waiting for me in the fridge. Yes its girly and yes it tastes like a jolly rancher...and yes...its vodka. Though, not very strong. I won't complain cuz I love how yummy it is.

In other news. Tomorrow I am going to sign up to learn how to drive a school bus and get my cdl. I'm going to be a bus driver...just like my mother and my grand mother. Why? the money is good...and i grew up on a bus. I have the capability. I am a good drive. I have a clean driving record. End of story. I'm doing it. I should have done it a long time ago.

What else...oh yeah...I want to try to post and update more often. I doubt many of you read this, but its time I put more of an effort into myself. I'll try to post a journal every sunday and at least two submissions of art a week. That is a goal I am setting for myself...I'll think of it as a late 'new years resolution' but to be honest, the new year starts on your birthday...its the start of your next year. I have been with you all since November of my 19th year...and now I'm moving into my 21st...almost two years I've been on here...I won't give up. I want to push forward and better myself. I'm just sad...that it took me so long to find what i needed to have the push to better myself...and to think its the haters...the people that don't believe in me that are pushing me forward. Thank you...those of you who don't believe in me...Keep on so that I can keep on...pushing to prove you wrong. One day...I will be successful...then I will get to be truly proud of myself.

About turning 21...as a child i rode on my grandmother's bus and looked up to the high school kids...I thought they were old...when i got to their age...i felt that i was so young...that everyone around me...we were still like children...after i graduated I started working in a nursing home...and I saw true age...how long people could live...I see mile stones in life now...and that is what high school was, a milestone...just as my birthday next Monday. I am still young...I've barely had time to make something of myself...and now...I'm stuck in a position where things are hard...money is tight...and I'm not getting an education. To be honest I'm fed up with that, but its a driving force.

There are things in life that I want, but I haven't had the chance to go after them. Next summer is going to be very important for me. I want to return to school and go back to what I was studying before. For some reason I still want to teach...but in a different way...I want to study math as I did before...graphing imaginary numbers still blows my mind...but i want to expand that. I want to study science and culture...but most of all I want to study horses. That was what I moved east for in the first place. I wanted to be on the farm. I haven't found what I want to do with my knowledge...but I'm sure it will come to me one day. Until then you can start calling me Bus Driver, because that is what I am going to be...I think...