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Why so stressed?
13 years ago
As if life didn't suck enough...
Some people have picked up that the last week or so I've been increasingly stressed out. This is due in part to the fact that I'm coming down the wire mark where I have to make another big life change.
After some weird turns of events, the Everett Olive Garden and I may be geting back together. Long story short, the GM that fired me was sacked and I'm eligible for rehire. With their togo section wrecked and in need of stability, I'm a great candidate to jump in and get to work. I have to decide whether or not to contact the GM wednesday to try and get my job back. If they can offer me my old position, with my original starting wage and the promise for at least 4 shifts a week, it would be extremely beneficial to relocate again.
But wusky, what about school?
ATM, I really don't feel motivated to go, to be honest. Being in Bakersfield between dealing with my parents, fighting with trying to get a stable job and getting shot down for more school classes has really worn on me and it's left me feeling like I don't really have that drive I had when I was living more independently in WA. This makes the thought of starting school daunting and when coupled with the reality that doing so would lock me into more time in this shit home I've just grown more and more upset.
My thought process has shifted to where I really wish I would've gone through the proper channels to figure out my educational plan IN WA BEFORE I made the jump to move to CA. I still wanna go to school. I still want to get a higher education. I still want to field in a career outside of working in a restaurant, but atm I'm just having a lot of difficulties justifying going about it down here. I would rather be happy in my environment and take a little more time getting through school than having to wake up everyday and drag myself through life because 'it's what I'm expected to do'.
My parents do not in any way shape or form condone me moving again. They've argued with me multiple times just at the thought of me moving and it's not really getting anywhere on that end. My dad's gone so far as to say he'll keep my car on the grounds that 'he can't trust me to be responsible and make payments if I relocate'. Then of course I get the usual arguments that I've only been here for 3 months now (soon to be 4) and haven't given it enough of a chance and that I'm simply not trying hard enough. All of these reasonings really piss me off. For starters, in the 3 months I've been down here, I've picked up and heavily excelled at poi spinning. I've pulled together a local fur group that now hosts almost weekly meets. I've gotten a job. I've gotten a car. I've met a ton of new people. To help fix the crappy aspects, every week I'm dropping a good 10 applications to find a better job and I'm constantly checking to see if new classes are opening up at my CC. If that isn't trying hard enough to enjoy myself and not giving a good run, please tell me. After all of this, I feel beaten down on the last two becuse with CA's crappy economy, work is near impossible to find and the CCs in town are so over packed even the waiting lists are booked solid :/ That and my parents' logic that once school starts all my problems will just melt away really bugs me. Even if school could keep me busy (with my whole 2 classes...) it won't make me any happier. I'll just be waking up every day and going through the motions while I throw myself into a stasis to muddle through time. They also say going on antidepressants and sleeping medications would help. Mother fuck if I'm going to go on meds so I can cope going day to day in my crappy bakersfield life :/
I've recently started seeing a therapist. She hit a lot of valid points and aside from being shocked school was so important to me that I'd willingly put myself in a situation like this, she also gave me some fairly good advice. If I want to be here, I'll find a way to make it work. But it hit the nail on the head that I DON'T want to be here :/ I came here because I was under the impression my parents were going to give me a free ride over the next two years and that I would be able to cope with relocating to my hometown where I was hoping to build myself back up so I could move back to WA with an AA...what moving's actually done if cost me my 1500$ in savings, and drained me in a handful of different ways.
I'm not happy here...I don't like it here...I just wanna go back to WA :/
I don't mean to come off like a whiny bitch, and I don't wanna come off like I'm just up and quitting because I'm not getting my way. If you haven't followed my other journals and gotten the back story to why bakersfield is such a horrible plce for me, please do so. But anyways I kinda want feedback from people on the issue if people will give it.
I'm kinda outta stuff to say. I have to make my decision by Wednesday though :/
After some weird turns of events, the Everett Olive Garden and I may be geting back together. Long story short, the GM that fired me was sacked and I'm eligible for rehire. With their togo section wrecked and in need of stability, I'm a great candidate to jump in and get to work. I have to decide whether or not to contact the GM wednesday to try and get my job back. If they can offer me my old position, with my original starting wage and the promise for at least 4 shifts a week, it would be extremely beneficial to relocate again.
But wusky, what about school?
ATM, I really don't feel motivated to go, to be honest. Being in Bakersfield between dealing with my parents, fighting with trying to get a stable job and getting shot down for more school classes has really worn on me and it's left me feeling like I don't really have that drive I had when I was living more independently in WA. This makes the thought of starting school daunting and when coupled with the reality that doing so would lock me into more time in this shit home I've just grown more and more upset.
My thought process has shifted to where I really wish I would've gone through the proper channels to figure out my educational plan IN WA BEFORE I made the jump to move to CA. I still wanna go to school. I still want to get a higher education. I still want to field in a career outside of working in a restaurant, but atm I'm just having a lot of difficulties justifying going about it down here. I would rather be happy in my environment and take a little more time getting through school than having to wake up everyday and drag myself through life because 'it's what I'm expected to do'.
My parents do not in any way shape or form condone me moving again. They've argued with me multiple times just at the thought of me moving and it's not really getting anywhere on that end. My dad's gone so far as to say he'll keep my car on the grounds that 'he can't trust me to be responsible and make payments if I relocate'. Then of course I get the usual arguments that I've only been here for 3 months now (soon to be 4) and haven't given it enough of a chance and that I'm simply not trying hard enough. All of these reasonings really piss me off. For starters, in the 3 months I've been down here, I've picked up and heavily excelled at poi spinning. I've pulled together a local fur group that now hosts almost weekly meets. I've gotten a job. I've gotten a car. I've met a ton of new people. To help fix the crappy aspects, every week I'm dropping a good 10 applications to find a better job and I'm constantly checking to see if new classes are opening up at my CC. If that isn't trying hard enough to enjoy myself and not giving a good run, please tell me. After all of this, I feel beaten down on the last two becuse with CA's crappy economy, work is near impossible to find and the CCs in town are so over packed even the waiting lists are booked solid :/ That and my parents' logic that once school starts all my problems will just melt away really bugs me. Even if school could keep me busy (with my whole 2 classes...) it won't make me any happier. I'll just be waking up every day and going through the motions while I throw myself into a stasis to muddle through time. They also say going on antidepressants and sleeping medications would help. Mother fuck if I'm going to go on meds so I can cope going day to day in my crappy bakersfield life :/
I've recently started seeing a therapist. She hit a lot of valid points and aside from being shocked school was so important to me that I'd willingly put myself in a situation like this, she also gave me some fairly good advice. If I want to be here, I'll find a way to make it work. But it hit the nail on the head that I DON'T want to be here :/ I came here because I was under the impression my parents were going to give me a free ride over the next two years and that I would be able to cope with relocating to my hometown where I was hoping to build myself back up so I could move back to WA with an AA...what moving's actually done if cost me my 1500$ in savings, and drained me in a handful of different ways.
I'm not happy here...I don't like it here...I just wanna go back to WA :/
I don't mean to come off like a whiny bitch, and I don't wanna come off like I'm just up and quitting because I'm not getting my way. If you haven't followed my other journals and gotten the back story to why bakersfield is such a horrible plce for me, please do so. But anyways I kinda want feedback from people on the issue if people will give it.
I'm kinda outta stuff to say. I have to make my decision by Wednesday though :/
From what I got: You moved. Broke up with a boyfriend. You miss him. Want to move; back but can't.
I'm still trying to price the whole 'how' you were living in Washington, and how you came back down here.
Whatever the matter, you are young. Very young. The prime of your life.
You have a car. You have a roof on your head. You have friends and a family willing to support you and love you.
Why do I say that? Because they argue with you.
Parents will argue with their child because they care for them.
Do not, ever, choose a lover over your parents...
I made that mistake once...
I don't have a mother or a father. I grew up with my grandparents in Redding, CA. When I was 15, I had a girlfriend. That...pissed them off. (Old people)
I ran off with her to Portland. We eventually broke up, she thought I was boring. I was head over heels in LOVE with her. but she...didn't want me anymore.
I went back, it wasn't the same anymore. I was so crushed, my family didn't respect me anymore. And I didn't know how to cope everyday.
Then, I ran away, because my family - even though they loved me, we fought everyday because I choose her over them. We fought because I was mad she was gone. I was mad I was back. And eventually, I ran away to my family in Bakersfield.
...Kinda...that's a whole new story...
Now I'm stuck here. I'm waiting to get my college degree to get the hell OUT of here.
I miss my grandfather and grandmother...they were my parents. Now that I'm older. I love them. I wish I still lived with them.
Now, as I was saying, you need to wake yourself up. You keep repeating the same things over and over again.
Stop doing that in your head.
Stop repeating the same things.
"It's not fair. I miss him. I hate this, I hate that"
No matter how much you whine? Nothings going to change unless YOU do something about it.
The whining will get you no were.
Be independent. Respect what you have - and look around you. Be glad you're not a toothless, dirty, homeless person on the street right now.
Because...trust me...that sucks.
Hug your parents, cherish your friends, and love what you have,
What's gone is gone. And you should leave it at that.
If you can retrieve it in the future, so be it, but not right now.
At this age, you need to focus on a job, college, and ultimately: YOUR LIFE.
Jobs right now: Shitty. Good luck to you. You will have to fill out 100+ job applications and it'll be a rare chance if they'll call you back. But keep trying!
College: With your depressed attitude, You need to think positive to be in it. College is hard. I admit, I hate it. Don't do it, unless you have the mind for it. (literally)
Get it together. We care for you, but you can only say so much. Good luck.
To give you more info, when I was 18 I moved to everett, dated my ex for almost 4 years, broke up, moved out. I was working full time at an olive garden averaging 600$ a week which is where all my money came from. My original plan was to start college at the end of the year. My GM fired me after I came to visit my mom (who at the time I was led to believe was dying) on the grounds that due to things in my personal life, she felt my private life was sidetracking me from my work. The more practical reason is I really pissed her off when I visited my mom because I did so during Christmas. Once I lost my job, my parents began hounding me to move back, offering me what I thought to be a free car, a free place to stay and free school. Eventually, frustrated with more than a few dynamics, I made the decision to relocate. A little more back story. My parents and I don't rub well...we don't rub well AT ALL...years of constant discontent growing up, various family drama and my coming out put a very large strain on our relationship. My dad actually kicked me out of the house shortly after I turned 18, and I spent the last month of my time before my move living with my grandma. So needless to say after 4 years of not having to argue or deal with them in close corridors, being down the hall from each other is rough. I'm not trying to bash my parents. I'm not trying to say they're doing anything horrible, I'm just voicing some of why the return is rough. Back on track, the free ride has turned more into a sort of 50/50 split. They helped with the down on my car, I'm making the payments. Fair. I'm living in their house for free regardless our occasional headbutts. Manageable. School is so far going to be paid with bonds that were already mine and grants/loans...which is frustrating. Essentially what this boils down to is I came to bakersfield for something that isn't really coming through and putting up with it is hard because had I known that wouldve been the case, I wouldve stayed and waited to do this on my own in WA. Hopefully that part makes a lil more sense.
Anyways, the moves been really rough on me. I gave up friends, I gave up a life that I was building on my own, I gave up hobbies and the area and I did all this to come back to Bakersfield of all places which is the ultimate symbol of bad blood for me for multiple reasons. What it essentially did is take my issues of losing my job and my ex, take away my coping mechanisms, relocate me o a place I really don't enjoy, add my original issues back on my shoulders without coping tools, then add on the stress of needing to get a solid foundation under me and junk. I dunno if that makes much more sense. I really suck at explaining shit. One day, we'll grab coffee and I can fill in the blanks. :/
One of the really frustrating things for me is I have all these adult figures I have at my disposal that give me advice I actually take to heart, and though a lot of them originally supported the move down, the others tried warning me the transition and ultimately the move itself could wind up bad on my end. Now that some time has past and the situation has developed a little, alot of people think it would be a wiser decision for me to relocate and rebuild on my own.