I wish I had words... words to heal, or at least dull this pain of yours.

All I can offer though is a hug, and even that only from hundreds of miles away... *hugs*

We all have regrets, and wonder what we could have done differently... what could have been changed to avoid this fate?

*nods sadly, sniffling* I wish I knew what to do myself to make this go away.... I've been having to sit on my feelings and lock them away for so long now... I haven't been able to deal with it... I want to be with someone who knew him, who I can grieve with.... I can't grieve with people who don't know anything... I need to be back in So-Cal where a majority of people knew him...

Well, regarding that hug, if you feel like coming down to Springfield for a weekend or something, you could give me a real one. I'm back in MO til October.

I know there are always the "what if"s... It still kills me... I just hate this whole situation... I'm definitely at the anger stage of grief, because every time I think about this I just want to throw things... I seriously want to scream, and cry, and break things, and just destroy until the pain is gone, and I collapse into a ball of tears... I want like a place where I can just smash things with a baseball bat until I'm out of energy, and only have strength enough to hug my baseball bat and sob my eyes out.... I just feel so wholeheartedly terrible about all of this... It really makes me wonder if I hadn't let my ego get in the way, if he'd still be here.... If this isn't partly my fault for having been such a bitch.... I question whether or not I am at fault for his death... T^T

...oh wow, I had no idea you were out here in Springfield ATM. =O.o= Yeah, I'd love to take ya' up on that offer next weekend. I have somewhere to be today/Sunday at 5pm or I'd likely hop in the car right now. It may not be as good as gettin' the whole horde together, but I get the feeling I could use some 'friend time' myself. Especially with work lockin' me up so I haven't been able to really socialize with... well... anyone in months now. -_-

As for that last... no, it's not your fault this happened. Yes, there's tweaks any of us could have made, let life avoid this specific path, but there's no way to tell he wouldn't have spun off a windy road if he'd been up in Seattle, or had a big-rig blow a tire and flatten him that way if he was in Texas, for instance. We'll never know what might have been, and can only try to make him proud of what we do in his stead... in his honor.

Yeah, I came back the 8th. So I haven't been here long. Aw. You're so sweet though. I would love to see you again. I'm not 100% sure where you could stay. We've got enough space here you could stay with us at my folks' place. I'd just have to talk with them. We have a big hide-a-bed where you could rest at night.

I know there's no way to tell how life would have gone.... I just still feel like if I had been more of a real friend... Maybe I could have saved him.... Saved Serpy all this pain.....

I want to make him proud, that's why I'm trying to fix all of this... I'm trying to be the friend I should have been a long, long time ago... I just don't know if I even deserve to be Serpy's friend after what I did to them....

*hugs* Never got back to verify if/when I should come down this weekend, and realized I don't have any way to contact you outside of here (my cell phone died, got a new one, but... my phone book! ) so lemme know what's the plan? =^.^=

Oh! Hey, if you want to, I'm ok with that! Just get back to me! My email is Tiger4195[at]aol.com. that gets to me faster. :3

The inner turmoil really hurts when we start thinking about negative things. Sometimes we wind our thoughts in one direction and can't find a way to find a new path, but this journal shows that you care so much. I am glad to have my sis here and want to share those moments where we can share our love for our friend. I am saddened that you do not have anyone there with you right now to help you on those moments when you need to be around someone that knows Vex and talk about him. I always told my marines, after a death, "as a squad leader I can easily say I am here if you need someone to talk too, but my highest recommendation is to talk about your friends with other friends that know him. That way you can talk about shared memories and laugh at the good times and keep them alive in those moments. Never forget them and you don't have to let them go." I learned this for myself and tried to pass it on to all my subordinates that face the death of a friend. Of course even I need it too.... that is how I handle it. Being away from everyone makes me feel lonely about it as well. I want to see the picture on her facebook but I dare not too until I go there in person. And I already told Serpy I know I will break down and cry. I know I will and I won't fight it. I too have missed all the memorials and wakes and the funeral. I missed it because of the damned marine corps making me deploy. I was in flight when it was all happening.

You words here are of a powerful pain. I feel it while I am reading it. And I wish I can help take some of that weight off your shoulders. It is heavy, but you speak of honesty and it is from your heart. And I am glad that you are trying to make a better future now about this. It is never too late to try to make up for lost time. It is always good to love someone and to continue loving them. I am proud of my sis for writing this.

Do not think it is your fault.... do not think it is your fault.... A lot of things happened that lead into a chain of events. If anything, I could have done a lot more to prevent it. I did what I can but thinking about all the after math, all the events, I too could have made much more of a difference. My hand was always out there extended to them to be reached for. I just did not reach out far enough. No matter how much I did try, I too feel it was not enough and I could have done more. That will never escape me. But I know Vex is up there looking down up us, and smiling every time we speak about him, and think about him. Because he knows within our hearts he is still alive ^.^

*hugs my sis*

I am glad you are talking with Serpy. I really am

It would be nice to sit and cry with you, to talk, to share this pain together. To tell stories of what we remember, and to share in the memories of one another. I personally want to go back and see the gravesite again. I didn't get all the time I needed the last time I was there. There was far too much going on that wasn't positive. I need that moment alone with Vex... I wouldn't mind going with you if you wanted hon. I think you could use it too.

I definitely want to make a better future... My poor choices in the past lead me to a bad place, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. If it's in my power, I will never let my pride get in between myself and the people I care about.

Just like you Razzle, I feel like I should have reached out further.... At the point where they left, I wasn't even on speaking terms with them... All because of my arrogance and pride... I don't know if I can ever forgive myself... If I had just been the person I was suppose to be, could all of this have been prevented by them living with me? Could I have saved his life? Could I have been the difference between life and death? Could I have been *his* saviour? I owe him and Serpy so much.... I'll never be able to repay her for the damage I've done.... I don't know if I can ever truly forgive myself for this.... Only time will tell....

*hugs tightly*

Well umm. I don't know what to say to make you feel better... But I can still feel all the emotion by it. I didn't realize that the day I posted the pic on FB was the 15th. I have not been able to feel better since. I tried to avoid it but depression finally came.

I'm sorry you're feeling all this but it really really does show me that you care a lot and I am touched. I dunno what to say to make it better but I will respond with a story. Some parts might not be good but it's the truth.

I too feel that there is something that I could have done to prevent all this. Could you have done something to prevent it? Possibly. I am a firm believer that every tiny little thing in the past impacts the future. But it was not your fault that we had to move out from SD. I will tell you this though... Before we moved we hung out with Raz, Brit, and Codine. I explained to Razzle that we had to move, then he offered to let us stay with him. Vex and I smiled but we never took it to heart ya know. I mean, we didn't make it a solid plan then and there. But we still remembered his offer. Then when Vex and I went back home to to SD we contemplated where we would go next.

Me: "You know we got an offer in Lancaster".
Olin: "Yeah but that's so far. I can ask my co-worker again. Or maybe I can ask Mela, hehe".
Me: "I doubt it".
Olin: "Heh, yeah".

That's exactly how I remember it. I didn't want to leave SD either. Too many good people there. But we took Raz's offer of course. I don't blame you. But I do agree that things could have been a little different. But.... there are a few other people that I blame. But I mostly blame myself, I do. I did enjoy living at Razzle's house. After some ridiculous incident we no longer felt welcome. Just a couple of months and Olin already wanted out. To get away from the drama. It seemed to keep following and we grew tired of it. I did too... but I didn't want to leave that house.

Then Vex started talking to Porter and Drake a lot. and they got close to where they said "love you guys" when they would get off the phone.. and they pressured Vex to move out there offering a FREE place where all they asked was to clean and cook. I had this BAD feel about the whole move there. it was around that time that he and I were having troubles. Mostly because of all the stress it was having on me, not having a job, constantly having to move, Vex's immaturity and spending habits, and of course the drama with everyone else. I was really getting tired of Vex. I wanted to separate. And I was so close to telling him one night at Razzle's house. Honestly I really really wish I did. I wish I had put my foot down and told him that I'm not moving to SC with him. I had a bad feeling about living there. I had a feeling that there will just be another drama fest and we'd end up moving out soon too. And guess what? I was right! I HATED the fact that I was right.

Go here to read what happened: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1617332/

I don't believe in divorce. I knew that I would NEVER divorce Vex. He loved me too much to let that happen, and I loved him. But I am a believer of separation. I felt that we needed time apart. I wanted to go back home and get my job back so I can pay off my bills. And I really wanted to tell Vex to go to SC, live there for a month and tell me how it is. If there was no drama, then he can send for me later. That is what I wanted to tell him. I did tell Vex how I felt about moving to SC but he responded, "We have no choice!" Yes Vex we did have a choice.... one choice was to move to my mom's house but she didn't want a bird there so thats why were here hesitant. But I did want to go there alone and Vex can take the bird with him to SC. There was a lot of stress constantly poking me and warning me about SC that much.... And omg I can't believe that it was true.... I wish I would have listened to my instincts and acted on it... I wish I would have asserted myself.

So I blame that one person for making Vex want to move out in the first place. I blame the couple who pressured Vex into moving out to SC, filled his heart with hope of a family with them, then ferociously ripped it all away and betrayed us... And I mostly blame myself.... People told me I had power over him but I wasn't strong enough to use it and take control...

So we moved to Delaware and it was great... for a while. Indeed there was a bit more drama AGAIN because of Vex. Because of the way he is and the way they treated him. His word never got in, he felt easily forgotten, and not part of their "group". He was kicked out of the living room because "They were tired of seeing him constantly play video games". Thats the same thing that Porter and Drake pulled on him at SC. When he tried to be the man and talk to some people, They turned him away saying that they want to avoid stress and are coming there for the other people we lived with, and didn't want anymore stress. So having said that he removed them as friends.... So he died, not able to get his word in because they wanted to "avoid stress" His feelings were hurt. I noted them and explained how Vex felt and they pulled the same card with me saying that I should not have mention this because they "Didn't need anymore stress".

I mentioned to Vex how it was weird that drama keeps following us and we were never able to keep a steady home. He said in his own words, "I guess I'm just never satisfied". So our last resort was to find a place of our own. Ever since we lived in SD we have been close to Kaza and Loki. And we constantly talked about getting a place together. But it all seemed so far fetched because of the distance. We thought, how hell are we ever gonna get to Maryland? Lol. It almost seems like fate brought us there....

Bambiboo3 and ~V~ in DE offered their home to us. So it was a 10 hour drive between SC and DE. It took 3 cars to get most of our small stuff moved. We had to leave the bed that Razzle got us.... and the Beautiful dresser my mom gave me. Living with them was great at first. They are great people. Then it just got awkward because of how Vex felt, as I just explained. So when we wanted to "get away from it all" We would visit Kaza and Loki in Maryland and rented a room at RedRoof Inn for the weekend. Then we all decided to get an apartment together. They needed a place and we needed one all to ourselves. And it wasn't gonna be like us renting a bedroom from someone else. It was going to be OUR home. That is what we needed. We didn't know it would happen when we talked about it years before. It was fate that brought us together!

But It was probably fate that broke us apart.... on THAT day that they were just about to put the deposit on....

Now this is the part where I REALLY blame myself. The month before... I noticed that Vex drove a lot more crazy than usual. You know he was a crazy driver. But I started getting that BAD feeling again... I started to fear his driving. I think I explained this to you before right? I really wanted to tell him off. I wanted to put my foot down and say, stop it! drive carefully! He started being too careless, too much in a hurry, and his road rage got a little worse. I noticed it.... but I was too afraid to say anything to put a stop to it....

I... started having another BAD feeling... and this time it was STRONG. More so because I had a bad feeling before and it came true. I was too worried that this bad feeling would come true too... A feeling so strong that it would hit me everyday for a week. Not only was I worried about our marriage, this feeling was telling me I would soon become a widow. I kept it to myself... The problems in our marriage sort of gave me an excuse... Something told me, "If he is going to die soon, then just start hating him so it wouldn't hurt so bad." I even started weighing the pros and cons of his death and mine. I started blaming him and hating him so much that I wanted time to move quicker, or in other words, test fate and have them put an end to it already. Of course at first, I didn't want to believe my feelings. I thought it was just my marital problems getting to me. It couldn't actually come true could it? its too big and serious, and this is just a stupid dumb feeling that I'm having and it will pass. I didn't think it would actually happen. But I really really wanted to tell someone. And I regret not telling someone. And I knew the feelings were wrong and I knew that I was having too much stress over him. So I prayed... "God forgive me for having these thoughts. Take these thoughts away. I really don't want him to die. Please don't let Olin die. Even if it would have been better if he did". After that I saw a bit of hope. Our new life in Maryland was gonna be the key to happiness. The key to fix our marriage. So it gave me hope and through it I gave him a chance to work things out with us. So my bad thoughts stopped... then a week later it happened.

So this is why I have a lot of regret. But considering the events, perhaps it was fate and it was meant to happen? He would always say, "I would never let anything happen to you when you're in the car with me". So if I was with them then this would not have happened? But if fate does choose who dies... then we can keep trying to prevent one's death but it will always happen some other way. Like I could have been in the car with them and prevented it. But death would just find him some other way....

Was God or demons punishing me for these thoughts? Or was it a genuine warning from some higher power trying to prepare me? Is there really some big plan for me having experienced this?

So yeah I've reached the deep hole of depression these passed 4 days. So perhaps this is the time that I let this out and lay this secret to rest. Something that I no longer wish to keep.... But it would be best to take it down later?

So yeah this is all that I wanted to say. So you are the least of my worries and regrets, Bianca. *hugs*

Oh Serpy.... I had no idea any of this was happening.... I had no idea that you guys had been through all of this, and were having so many problems... I wish I had gotten over myself, and been the friend and support you guys needed...

It crushes me to know that Vex thought to have you guys move in with me, and that it was my pride that prevented it.... It makes me wonder if things could have been different.... If you could have stayed... If I could have helped mediate... If I could have been the friend you guys really needed... Gods... I wish I'd been more involved... More of a friend... To both of you....

Please Serpy. Please don't take this down. This is something that I will read over, and over, and over again... Any time I'm feeling horrid again, I'll be able to look back at this and know that you don't hate me with all your strength. This reassures me that given time and healing, I can be the friend you *truly* deserve me to be. I want to help you, if you'll accept my help. I don't know what I can do other than be your friend, but I want to be part of your life. I want to be as close as we should have been from the beginning. I want to be the friend you deserve.

Plus, you never did show me how to play Pokemon. :,3 I still want to learn, and I want you to teach me, if you're up for it. *hugs tightly*

I love you Serpy. I love you very much. I know this may seem strange, but you're closer to me than family, in my heart. You're a part of my existence, and I will *always* be here to help and support you, in any way I can. I love you hon.

MY FAVORITE THINGS WAS TO GO IN YOUR ROOM AND WATCH HIM PLAY VIDEO GAMES!!!!

Awwww... compared to other people.... we were meant to be a family with you hehe.

I put in his bracelet for my next mission.... It's black with purple writing.

Hopefully this is my last mission. Not sure though. I am rolling out with 28 people in my squad, and I have attachments from 3rd plt that want to roll out with me. We are rolling deep. I am always the one that is allowed to go out on patrols with my squad being as large as a platoon. And my Lieutenant often tells me how he gets jealous because I am in charge when he is not.... haha! I hope this goes well. I had to put his bracelet on for this ^.^

GL!

I'm safe ^.^ Still wearing it

I hope all that I had revealed doesn't make me a bad person....

No. It makes you honest, and no one will ever fault you for being honest. Anyone who has an issue with anything you've said will have to go through me and hundreds of other furs before they're allowed to hurt you hon. I appreciate your honesty. I truly do. *hugs tight*

What you wrote does not show anything bad at all about you. Don't doubt yourself.

I'm a friend of Serpy's. I don't meant to intrude or anything, but you aren't the one to blame for any of this. I mean, no one could truly have had the foresight to know what was coming. I know this is sort of out of left field, but don't blame yourself. Serpy asked if I can help provide some comforting words, and true to my word, I am up for any sort of venting if the need be.

Oh wow, thank you for your kindness. I appreciate it.

I know it's not possible for any of us to have forseen this, but still... It makes me wonder, how different things could have been if I hadn't been so caught up in myself... Could it have been enough to save him? I just don't know... I'll never know... And that's what sucks... If I could go back, replay life, and try any combination of actions to try and keep him here with us, I would.... I don't care what I would take... I'd sacrifice anything to have him still be here...

I know you are a good friend. A good person even. I can tell when a person is cool beans and when I shouldn't hang out with them. and You give me a good feeling.
I'm sure Serpy doesn't hate you.

Also you should not blame yourself. I know this was already said, but there wasn't really anything any of his close friends could have done. I know some people get the feeling that something really bad is about to happen, but that feeling never tells us what or to who.. I didn't want them to leave either. Especially Serpy. we've been close friends since 2008, and I felt like something extremely bad was going to happen when they were leaving... I woke up about 5:20am that one morning with one of the worst feelings I ever had, though I should have been happy cause it was my 21st birthday.. I knew something really bad was going to happen, or had happened, but didn't know what... Then Serpy called.. after she told us what happened, that feeling went away, meaning that that is what had happened.

We all wish there was something we could do to prevent it. And I don't mean to sound bad if I do by saying this, but unless we knew it was going to happen, there really wasn't anything that could have been done.... no matter how much we wanted there to be..... ;.;
Again. Its not your fault. Don't blame yourself hun.

Thanks Blaze. I appreciate the vote of confidence.

I know I shouldn't blame myself... But the "what if"s plague me... How different could things be if I had only not been so arrogant... Could I have saved him? Could my one simple act of arrogance been the final tip of the scale that led him to his death? *sigh* I just wish there was a way to go back and hit "re-do" and play things out differently... Maybe he really was meant to go... But still..... What if he wasn't? What if all the little negative things that happened are what drove all the negative things to a point that ended him? What if one simple act of kindness could have stopped it all? What if, what if, what if..... :/

I wish I could give you an answer to that. I really do.. :(

Last night I was thinking a few things over about my dad's situation a few years ago.. what I could have done.. why I couldn't see the obvious signs.. but it doesn't do well to dwell on those thoughts.. it only makes the pain worse...

I guess it's part of the grieving process... The whole blame thing.... *sigh*

I have gone through the blaming and the anger part of the grieving process. Where I would be angry at Vex. Angry at him and his driving. Where I would keep asking, "Now do you see why I was scared! Now do you see why I nagged at you, ya bastard! Endangering yourself and other and even taking Loki with you! Damn bastard!"

Yeah.... I'm just pissed at the gods for taking him... Pissed they took him before we were ready... Left us all in pain.... I'm not so much angry at him, irritated, but more angry at the gods for having taken him...

Remember what you told me. Don't curse his name for what has happened.

I don't curse them... I'm simply angry that I didn't have a say... I'm angry that I wasn't ready.. I'm angry I didn't get to make ammends while he was still here... I'm angry because they took him too soon.... And it's not fair....

But why do you even want to be my friend to? Didn't I cause that much stress to you too?

Why do I want to be your friend? Because you are a good person. Because you're very loving and accepting. Because you're kind, and caring. Because you loved me and took me in and cared about me when I barely knew you guys. You opened your arms to me, and accepted me. You loved me and were my friend before anyone else was. You were there for me when I needed you guys. Because I've always loved you as my best friend, no matter what's happened. Yes we had a falling out. Yes, bad things happened and unfortunate things were done, but it's the past. I can't sit here and deny the fact that I care about you, and want you in my life. I want to love you like the friend you are to me. I don't want to feel like you hate me. I don't want to feel like there's a big, black wall of spikes seperating me from you. I want to be your friend, and love you like you deserve. :/

I didn't think people thought of me that way. How different would it be if I died instead? would it be better or worse? Would people still feel the same or worse? Would there be more people mourning for me or less? I know it wouldn't be good for my mom... cuz I am her only one.

They do Serp. People do. It's why the fandom came together, *nation wide*, to help you. We care about you. We care about Vex.

How different would it be? The name would be different on the headstone, but that's about it. People would be just as devestated and just as hurt if you were gone. I know I would..... I would have cried so hard, knowing I could never fix things with you... Knowing I'd let you down, and not been the friend you deserved... I think you would have the same reaction that Vex has gotten. We loved you both. Not *just* Vex, or *just* you. We love you guys as a couple AND as individuals. Believe me, there would be just as many people mourning your loss as there are Vex, if not more.

It's not so much a need for talking, as a need for people to talk *with*. People to share the memories with. Learn things I didn't know. Share a few tears, and laughs, and a drink or thirteen. Just people to mourn with... It sucks horribly being so far away from everyone who knew him... Mourning alone when you have the preexisting problems I have is disastrous.... I need friends to mourn with... :/